grad night

Well I just got back from cleaning up the rink after the festivities. As a grade nine mum, we did the lunch after the ceremony, cheese and crackers, ice tea, water, coffee and cookies. Bruce made 30 doz. cookies. Last year they ate almost that many but this year maybe only half. We decided probably because they are twice the size of most people's cookies. This year we bought 2/3 of the crackers as last year, and still had lots left over. People want the cheese but not the crackers. I think we probably used about thirty five dollars worth of cheese. The left overs go out to the grad party anyway.

I have been tired all day, told my co-workers this a.m. that I was tired and cranky so a good day to work on the desk, hey? so one of them bought me coffee....I don't drink coffee as a rule, but anyway either the sugar or the caffeine perked me up. By the time I got home I was stiff and still tired. Just wanted to lie down. Now it is five hours since I left home, and I am likely too wired to go to bed.

B is not home yet from his jazz festival. I was told he would be home when he gets home. I hope he doesn't have to work tommorrow. Luckily I only work 1-6 although I had a lot I was going to do in the a.m. I suspect that some of that will now involve sleeping in, fetching children and hopefully getting some banking done.

My babies are at the party: my youngest, who to my knowledge has never had a drink in her life, has been sent off with alka-pop (coolers and hard lemonade) which I am glad they did not have when I was her age, or I could have easily been a drunk. I am so glad that I hated rye and beer, the main things available when I was in high school. I know I have to trust her to be responsible. I have to know that my kids will experiment. And trust them....that I have taught them the best I could and hope that they were listening. Her big sister spent one night as the designated hair holder at a similar event and never got too involved with alcohol after that. Although as a young adult she seems to be going to the bar a lot with her co-workers....I think teachers and cops are hard drinkers....

My son is smitten with a new girl, who is just turned 16 maybe yesterday, making her six months older than his little sister. This is the same boy who always figured anyone his sisters age was pond scum. Just so happens this one likes the same music he does, plays about five instruments and seems to be very pretty and smart. I suppose it might help him get over his melancholy. Losing two friends in 6 weeks is very harsh for anyone. I worry about the fall, but I am trying to look at this as a summer romance and no more. He is already worrying about having a relationship with someone in another city when he goes back to school....My son, sigh, seems to bounce quite easily into relationships. I think it is good to play the field, but I confess I was happy that he seemed to have given up having a girlfriend for awhile. He seemed to realize you can have relationships with girls that are not necessarily your girlfriend. oh well, what it is to be nineteen at the start of a hot summer....they are supposed to be the best days of your life.

Anyhoo, I expect I will have to fetch them at some point. I guess they give out report cards in the a.m, what a dumb idea. I think in the future they will mail them. I know some of those teachers are just getting home now too. I have never been able to see the sense in going back for half an hour to get their report cards. They already have all their stuff cleaned out. All the high school kids will be just getting to bed if they have been at the party.

Some of us mums tonight think there is enough of us to swing the vote for a dry grad for three years from now when our kids graduate. It was great for my oldest, but I know my son's grade it never would have worked. I don't condone feeding alcohol to minors, but I believe that they will drink and party at grad regardless, so it is better to provide the controlled environment that we do than having them go off on their own like our generation did. Still, I vote for dry grads. They have the rest of their life to drink. I call it the great Saskatchewan disease. NOthing else to do so go get drunk. My kids, none of them, like to dance. There are no dances here. They don't know what they are missing. Once they have licenses, they go to the city to bowl or go to movies, but before that, there is nothing here for them. I hate to think of those boys in my daughter's grade turning from little boys, to young teenagers to drunken slobs, but I suppose some of them will. It's funny, like smoking. We have known for decades how bad it is for you, and kids are still doing it to be cool.

Sometimes I think humans are really really dumb. We never learn. Or at least, not enough, not quick enough.

Well the man is home, had a great time. Guess we will chill out and relax so we can go to bed..It is after one am. and he has to get up at 6....(better he than me...)

Goodnight all, I am thankful tonight for little towns, where everyone pulls together and weeps a little and laughs a little in support of each other. It was an emotional night. I have always said the worst thing about little towns is that everybody knows everything about you and the best thing about little towns is that everybody knows everything about you....(actually they only THINK they do!) We really have known some remarkable people during our married life. I don't regret not living in the city. Not that we don't know lots of great city folk too. Maybe it has to do with the weather in Canada, everyone against the winter...good old prairie pulling together.

Okay definately time to go. This is way too long again! Take care, D

jeckyll and hyde

I never know which one I am going to get. Funny how he can change in a moment. I guess I have been lucky that for several days I have had the good guy. It changes in a heartbeat. I think today overtiredness contributes, but I still dislike getting growled at for nothing. Good thing I have developed a thick hide.

Today was not a fun day in general. Don't know why I feel so tired. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the dr. says that it is diabetes. Ma-in-law always said she had no zip. Well I think my get up and go has got up and went.

I was looking forward to watching an hour of tv with the boy, but some girl has beckoned on the computer, so he is gone. The girl is studying. The man is bathing. I have lots of work I could do, but you know, I just don't feel like it. Most Mondays I run around like a banshee getting stuff done, and I did that until just before lunchtime. Then I suddenly got tired. Maybe I overdid it on the exercise machine. Was only going to do a little, seeing as I have not done a speck of any kind of exercise all week, but I did half an hour. that must be it, cuz my knees are sore tonight.

We finally had birthday cake, at least three of us did. Only two days late. I am hoping tommorrow we go to see Harry Potter movie at the IMAX. It has been on all month, so of course we have to wait until the second last day to go....hopefully we can get there in time. It will be close. Would be a nice way to end the school year.

Every day this week is full and then the long weekend and then my baby comes home! Can't wait! It has only been four months but I guess I will never stop missing her. I regret we didn't see her more when she was close, but I see it happening with her brother too. He is even closer but we never go. Maybe next year I will be more organized. I just can't get over the swift passage of time. I know I remark on it a lot, but I guess it never fails to amaze me.

Got a photo on the email tonight of an engaged couple. She is the daughter of B's cousin. D and I both can't get over how much older she looks and how she looks like her mother. I am wondering if she is about the age when I got to know her mother...I suppose it has probably been 6 years maybe since we saw her last. I cannot believe that but I can't remember any time sooner. I think she was seven the first time I saw her. I guess that would be 24 years ago as I was expecting Cait. Wow, I suppose it is time for her to look older. Mind boggling.

Well this should be a short post for once, I have nothing to say. What shall I be grateful for tonight? How about birthday cakes? We all agreed that the Co-op gold mix was the best we have had. I can't even remember what a real one would taste like. This one was fine though, with saskatoons and strawberries. Yum.

I am also thankful for an irreverent sense of humour. There are a lot of funny people in this family and I don't mean funny weird, although that could apply too. My son cracks me up. Yay for senses of humour. The girls are pretty good too, actually.
I am grateful for cool summer nights. Gee this is sounding like "Grease" or something. I am mourning the demise of the local drive-in movie. Sniff sniff. Not thankful for that.
Goodnight for now, D

Even more, but possibly not the same topic

Well I think I am even beating my son with the number of posts in one night...but I guess I have a lot to say. Maybe I always have a lot to say. I sometimes reflect on my way of talking the ears off anyone who will sit still long enough to listen. Sometimes I condemn myself for this trait. Sometimes I think that it is just the way I am, and my friends and family know it. Sometimes I wonder if they hate it. I do try to restrain myself on occasion. I will come home from some social occasion and berate myself for talking too much.

I mean, I am always upset with husband and kids for not listening to me. But maybe they have learned to just ignore the never-ending flow.

Perhaps part of it stems from spending so much time alone.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that in this family, we think too much.

There are always words and thoughts and music in my head. Maybe Cait is right, maybe we are all ADD.

Maybe not everyone has music in their head all the time.

When I am visiting with someone, the sentences pile up in my head so fast, sometimes I can hardly get them all out. If I am alone for a minute, all the things I mean to say, pile up like a traffic jam.

I guess I am thinking all the time. Maybe that is why I have taken to listening to music and audio books in the car all the time. It shuts up my internal thoughts, although sometimes I find myself singing along to other music as I listen to the story.

I tell my kids off for all the multi-tasking they do on the computer. All the conversations they have at one time. But maybe my brain is doing that too?

When I blog, the only thing in my head is what I am writing at the moment. I mean, it is not like I can't focus when I need to. I still think that women are always doing multiple things. It is part of our nature, allowing us to moniter the kids, make supper and talk to someone else at the same time.

Once when we were early marrieds, I asked my husband what he was thinking when we were driving along, and he said "nothing" and I could NOT believe it. I couldn't believe that you could be going along and thinking about nothing. Then I came to realize that with men, they are really just thinking about driving. They focus on the important task they are doing at the time. I suppose that is what let them kill the mammoth. No distractions, just focus on the hunt.

Meanwhile the woman was watching the children, digging for roots and hunting for berries and keeping an eye out for predators....

I always like to reduce things to what i consider the lowest common denominator, which I call "cave man days".. It really works, when you try to understand a lot about human behaviour. We are not as evolved as we think.

Anyway to get to the point of this post, on Friday, I started to feel better, had had a nice night with brother in law, was looking forward to nice weekend with friend. Had a lovely time, with the exception of probably talking her ear off. That is what we get for not getting together for a couple of years. And we are the types who stay in communication on a regular basis. What about my friends who I hardly see and rarely hear from?

I had to sit back this evening and think about what it is like to be devoid of daily female friendship. I have learned to spend all my time working, with little chunks of personal time with books, tv and exercise. I really don't leave much time for the relationships with the people that I love the most. Seems ridiculous, but it is true. Makes you wonder about this lifestyle. All work and no play, etc. Even when I have time off to play, it gives me anxiety because of all the piled up work before and afterwards. why can't I just enjoy being in the moment? Actually, I do. When I carve out a little "me" time, I try to enjoy it thoroughly because it is so rare. When I can take some time for friends, it is an enormous gift to myself.

I look back and think about how casually I maintained all my friendships in my 20's and early 30's. I don't mean I was casual about those friendships, I just mean it was so free and easy. I never dreamed it would end. That visits would dwindle due to increased busyness, increased involvement with work and kids, and of course now, parents enter into the mix. No wonder they call it the sandwich generation.

You have to wonder how you can maintain such a lifestyle? I really do wonder where it will all go? Some of us have grandchildren to add to the mix too. When I go to exercise with seniors, they always talk about how busy they are and how they didn't expect to be so busy in retirement. Mind you, most of them are women. I wonder if men see it the same? I cannot imagine what my father does all day? I guess it must take a lot of energy to do the errands and chores, go to the dr appts, and look after the day to day stuff that my generation tosses off as they race by. I can feel myself slowing down gradually. Can't imagine how I got it all done when I was younger. This makes me feel old.

I am so grateful to have friends that i have had for such a long time that we feel so comfortable together. It is really the most wonderful thing, to know and care for someone for a long time. It really is about the people we know. It is never about the things we accumulate or the amount of work we have done. In the end, it is all about the people. Thanks for coming Heather, I had a great weekend. Went by way too fast, as they always do.

Tonight's thankfulness has to be for friendship. Although fresh hot cookies are pretty good too. 8) D.

more on this topic

So with my rushing life, here is the next installment. For better or for worse, the papers on the washer and dryer are signed. I can only guess how this week will unfold.

I am still trying to understand the oven, but have figured out how to turn it on, which is useful. Can't quite figure out the timer, will need to study the book on that one. So far I can get timing but then it turns off the oven when it goes off.... It is a lovely thing, white, with two oven lights (old one hasn't had a light work in almost 20 years) Makes the room look bigger and because it is bigger, will be easier to cook with. Has self cleaning feature, which I have wanted ever since we rented a place with one. Thermostat seems to be right on. I am enormously grateful for this luck. My mother in law stepped in and baked almost half the order for her darling boy while he was otherwise engaged. Today he came home and baked almost the other half. Peace in the valley. Not many days left, so I am profoundly grateful. We always seem to have an emergency when some appliance dies. Although the dishwasher died in the mid-80's and I only got another in the mid-2000's. But i love it too. I am equally pleased with the new air conditioners we got a couple years ago (old one still worked but after 20 some years not too well) I love the controls, things that can turn themselves on and off. I do appreciate that. I love my microwave that replaced the old Kenmore. I hate the new vcr we got this year, with a passion, but there are not many out there anymore to pick from. The new DVD player is a piece of garbage. We are using the one we bought B's dad when they first came out, as his dad got a complete new entertainment center. I now use the newer one to play CD's when I exercise. But it only likes certain CD's, picky darn thing...

I am just realizing that in the past five years we have had quite a lot of new stuff. I would guess that being married over 25 years has something to do with this. That and the fact that electronics date so quickly. I figure I have put enough money into computers and cars in our married life to have easier paid for our children's education. Which is why they have to pay their own way....

Hmmm, what is wrong with this picture?

I have noticed a trend. The people I know who had to pay their own way after they left home, have made sure their kids didn't have to. The people like us, who had parents help them, seem incapable of helping their kids. On one hand, I can see that our kids have grown to be responsible, money wise adults, compared to some of the ones who had the parents shelling out every five minutes. But I do wish I could have done more for my kids. I can't help but feel it is somehow our fault that we do less well than expected. We could never have anticipated in the 80's that we would not do better, that we would, in fact, do worse. Call it inflation, bad luck, a combination of the two, coupled with some bad decisions. But some of our decisions have been good ones, and we never think of those. We obsess about the bad washer, but forget all the good faithful appliances that lasted for decades.

I guess this leads to the usual,my obsession with the negative. I am trying so hard to be less negative and more positive, but it is not easy. I seem to be a complainer by nature, and I don't know why. My parents and in-laws are the opposite of this. Stiff upper lip and so on. My mother said, never complain, never explain. I seem to be constantly doing these things. My in-laws say the secret to a happy marriage is to keep your mouth shut. But I am a talker. (can't you tell?) I would guess that there is no one right way. That we are all on the planet in our various personalities, with our various flaws, trying to make our way as best we can.

My generation seems obsessed with self-help. We keep trying to re-invent ourselves. past generations just took themselves as they were. I really have to wonder what we are doing to the next generation. I think I am just starting to see and possibly understand as our children move into adulthood.

We all come with baggage to adulthood, and maybe we spend our whole lives trying to unpack.

stressful week

Well after that really nice day I had last Saturday, all hell broke loose in the household. The next day I came home to find a dead oven. Not a cheery thought when your husband has an order for 30 dozen cookies to fill for grad. Especially during a week that he has plans to be out of town for most of the days before grad. I have to say I found it quite depressing. B came home from his weekend away to find a note: oven is bitched. I am sure he found it quite depressing as well, so he had to do some tearing apart of said oven in an attempt to find out what the trouble was. Seeing as a flame had shot out at me from the "selector" switch, I was pretty sure it wasn't the usual fuse or element thing that happens sometimes with ovens.

Monday , after we ascertained that this job was beyond our diy skills, I called the local fix it guy, who I thought was retired, but I figured he would know who I could call. He offered to come and have a look.

Tuesday he came, saw and told us the grim news. No part he had would work to fix it.

Wednesday ( days are clicking closer to grad...) B finds out that our oven is so old ( I know, 20 years is really quite good, it cooked us a lot and didn't owe us a thing anymore....) that they don't make those parts anymore.....but he did find a wall oven in the clearance centre for 400 bucks, which he thought might do. This eases my depression somewhat. I had had a busy am., doing school visits, haircuts, errands and chores. I find this message on the machine from husband and call him back. I decide to go look at oven in a.m. and likely buy it. Decide that if we must rent a truck, it might just be the right time to get the washer and dryer we so desperately need that i have been saving for. Ever since using penpals front loader last summer, I have been fixed on this idea, despite the fact that they cost twice as much as regular. Last weekend, a client was raving about hers and how much water and power saved. I decide this is the right time. (finding oven eases the depression that ensued when wife thinks hard earned savings are going to go to oven,rather than washer.....) So anyway, I try to find some scratched and dented's in the Sears shops around the city. I spend so much time on the phone when I am home for lunch and supper that I only have five min at each meal to actually eat. Not a good plan. By the time I am home from work by 9 p.m. I am exhausted mentally. Husband is finding out info on the net re: machines I have been interested in. Wife recalls that she will NEVER buy another Kenmore washer after last lemon.....

Of course you know where this is going , don't you.....?

Next a.m. husband reluctantly takes ANOTHER day off to deal with this crisis. Brother in law rises up early and drives back here (having driven to Farm Progress show the day before and then home again....)so lend truck and strong back and probably electrical knowledge....
Wife and husband go cruising for washers. End up at Sears new home centre store, where salesman the day before has promised fantastic deals in back room (eg. in back room, you can take it with you that day. Otherwise in this city, every store orders their stock from Alberta and you have to wait.....) Wife and Husband suprisingly spend their time being seduced by ---you guessed it---Kenmore appliances again. So rather than being ecstatic at the thought of amazing laundry, I am feeling cynical. I was so happy the last time and it was such a cause of misery. I think I might feel better if they came from the scratched and dented because then you don't expect perfection and you are not totally surprised by appliance betrayal when you got it on sale, or discount or whatever.

So anyway, now we wait. So much for my brilliance in terms of " buy it now because we have a truck available" Now I have to wait till next week and get someone in this family (we are not a borrowing kind of family) to borrow a truck from someone to go get them. Furthermore, the basement is a pit, which means I need to figure out how we will get them down there when they come, not to mention the removal of the old ones....I am tempted to leave them on the lawn with a "free" sign on them. But we all know, no one takes free stuff, but I could sell them for fifty bucks. Who knows.

The other stunner of this, is that we decided not to buy a matching pair. In which case, why am I buying a front loader dryer, when any dryer could do? I guess we just liked this washer and this dryer better than the other halves they came with. To add more confusion to the mix, when we left this store to go to the clearance center with Jeff to get the oven, we found both models of dryer in the clearance place. But still bought them in the full price store.

I suppose partly because it was almost time for me to be at work and partly because we were tired and partly because you wonder what is wrong with the ones at the clearance place. I had hoped I could get the saleslady to do a deal, but I should have known better because the co-worker I had spoken to on the phone the day before told me they weren't allowed to deal. Pronouncment from on high. BUT, she got me with the offer of a fifty dollar gift card. Which almost makes up for the diff in the two prices and lets me take the new one and go peacefully to work.

I wish I felt euphoric. Mostly when we buy things I feel a sense of dread. Just one time I would like to just go buy something because I wanted to, rather than because we are desperate. Although I have to say that a) I am using my new oven and loving it. and I am really glad I didn't have to shop for hours, go through many sales flyers and agonize over all the diff kinds. before making a decision. There was one there, and we took it. That was it. I was in agony the night before as B told me it was bigger than our old one and I didn't think he could make it fit, but he did. And I was at work, so not here to hear the saw cut into my beautiful cupboard. He even had most of the sawdust cleaned up by the time I got home and made supper as well....

So I did start to feel better. My mood started to life. My brother in law was here, we had a nice meal with wine to celebrate the new oven and a nice relaxing visit after. It took almost a week, but i finally felt non-depressed. I do, however, still have feeling of apprehension over the new washer and dryer that are not here yet. We have a history of making bad decisions when it comes to high ticket items. I have to wonder if it will be worth all this money, but I think the power savings should be worth it. I just can't help but wonder if this will be another lemon.

We had sworn, no more Kenmores. I mean, my parents had Kenmores as their first appliances, and they were still going strong when they gave them to me when I left home. I abandoned them when I got married, silly thing. For all I know, maybe they are still going somewhere....

My Kenmore microwave lasted over 20 years, so why doesn't that make me feel better about things? Maybe because nothing is built like it used to be. My dad gave up his washer and dryer when he got the condo--these are the only ones my parents ever had, after the wringer washer. I think they were bought in 1970...Like the freezer, which he also sold with the house. You know that none of these new appliances, his or mine, will last even close to that time period.....

This spring my telephone, toaster and crock pot croaked. The toaster is the only one older than 2 and it probably was no more than 5. So we are back to using our 26 year old toaster that we got as a wedding present. I just can't toast bagels and stuff now...Can't seem to find one I like. Ditto with the crock pot. I will try again in the fall. The phone seems to be still going, but I don't trust it. Right now the toilet is acting stupid, the hot water seems to keep shooting out of the taps for th past month. At the hairdressers someone told me that is the fault of the softener. I suppose, seeing as it is nearly paid for......

I just can't see how we are going to take care of all these things when Cait is coming home in a week. My life rushes by like the wind.

rain and phonebooks

Every year my kids school delivers phone books to earn money. I have to restrain myself from doing the Steve Martin thing" The New Phone Book's here! the new phone books here!" this year I managed to say "Here's your phone book" with a deadpan look, including the Asian family who I am pretty sure had no idea what it was I was doing there.....We really did have fun. I had to work in the afternoon, but we did about two thirds of the route in the morning, then Bron and a friend spent the afternoon at MacDonalds and a mini gold place that is near where I work. Then we went out again, but it was raining by then. I thought, " we will just go load up the car and I can finish tommorrow night on my own or something" but the girls, even though they had no rain coats, were game, so we carried on. we didn't load quite as many books this time, as it didn't look like there was much left, but guess what, guess how many books short we were? yup, you guessed it...exactly the number of books we hadn't loaded, we were short of. So back we went for more. I reckon the car holds about one third of a route, takes us about an hour and a half to do that, including travel time back for more books and the time it takes to load it up again . Last year it seemed to take all day, and yet we had three girls. I mostly just moved the car. This year I helped deliver too. I got to do all the scary places, and all the beware of scary dog places. What are Moms for? I sure got my exercise, all that walking and carrying. Had some carpal tunnel moments, but other wise quite enjoyed it. Luckily work was nothing as busy as last week. The whole weekend that weekend was crazy busy. This last weekend was quite quiet. Anyway, then I took the girls for pizza and pop. I figured we all deserved it. Unfortunately , not too many people volunteer to do this, so all the routes were not done. I wish I had some free time coming up, but I don't. I would really rather do this than sell tickets and the usual fundraising. Good exercise and you get to see all these neat yards and houses. Makes you realize how rundown and overgrown your own is but still....

I think that is one more thing I am grateful for. No one from work will ever accidentally come to my door and see how I live. Last year I guess we delivered to my boss (apparently we were noisy--try delivering phone books on a Saturday afternoon with three giggly teenage girls quietly...!) I had no idea he lived in that area. It leads me to have this thought. One of the things I like about my city job is the anonymity. I get to know the regulars, but they don't really get to know me and they don't care. Conversely, one of the things I love about my rural job is that I know everyone, I get to see my neighbours....I guess it is two sides of the same coin. I remember the first person I shared my office with, she lived at the opposite end of the city and liked it because she didn't run into our patrons when she was off duty. I can see her point. I was once in MacDonalds after work with my kid, and it really disturbed one of my toddler group to see me in a place that wasn't normal for him to see me. I can remember the same thing happening when we had playschool in the house and one of the students saw B, who happend to be in jeans and tshirt, doing home reno, rather than being at work, in uniform. He had a tough time assimilating that info....(it is right in there with believing that teachers sleep at school....)

Well I guess that is it for this particular theme. Read on for more.....

rain and phonebooks

Every year my kids school delivers phone books to earn money. I have to restrain myself from doing the Steve Martin thing" The New Phone Book's here! the new phone books here!" this year I managed to say "Here's your phone book" with a deadpan look, including the Asian family who I am pretty sure had no idea what it was I was doing there.....We really did have fun. I had to work in the afternoon, but we did about two thirds of the route in the morning, then Bron and a friend spent the afternoon at MacDonalds and a mini gold place that is near where I work. Then we went out again, but it was raining by then. I thought, " we will just go load up the car and I can finish tommorrow night on my own or something" but the girls, even though they had no rain coats, were game, so we carried on. we didn't load quite as many books this time, as it didn't look like there was much left, but guess what, guess how many books short we were? yup, you guessed it...exactly the number of books we hadn't loaded, we were short of. So back we went for more. I reckon the car holds about one third of a route, takes us about an hour and a half to do that, including travel time back for more books and the time it takes to load it up again . Last year it seemed to take all day, and yet we had three girls. I mostly just moved the car. This year I helped deliver too. I got to do all the scary places, and all the beware of scary dog places. What are Moms for? I sure got my exercise, all that walking and carrying. Had some carpal tunnel moments, but other wise quite enjoyed it. Luckily work was nothing as busy as last week. The whole weekend that weekend was crazy busy. This last weekend was quite quiet. Anyway, then I took the girls for pizza and pop. I figured we all deserved it. Unfortunately , not too many people volunteer to do this, so all the routes were not done. I wish I had some free time coming up, but I don't. I would really rather do this than sell tickets and the usual fundraising. Good exercise and you get to see all these neat yards and houses. Makes you realize how rundown and overgrown your own is but still....

I think that is one more thing I am grateful for. No one from work will ever accidentally come to my door and see how I live. Last year I guess we delivered to my boss (apparently we were noisy--try delivering phone books on a Saturday afternoon with three giggly teenage girls quietly...!) I had no idea he lived in that area. It leads me to have this thought. One of the things I like about my city job is the anonymity. I get to know the regulars, but they don't really get to know me and they don't care. Conversely, one of the things I love about my rural job is that I know everyone, I get to see my neighbours....I guess it is two sides of the same coin. I remember the first person I shared my office with, she lived at the opposite end of the city and liked it because she didn't run into our patrons when she was off duty. I can see her point. I was once in MacDonalds after work with my kid, and it really disturbed one of my toddler group to see me in a place that wasn't normal for him to see me. I can remember the same thing happening when we had playschool in the house and one of the students saw B, who happend to be in jeans and tshirt, doing home reno, rather than being at work, in uniform. He had a tough time assimilating that info....(it is right in there with believing that teachers sleep at school....)

Well I guess that is it for this particular theme. Read on for more.....

not raining!

It was supposed to rain today, but it was gorgeous and sunny today. Nice and cool now, to cool off the house. yay!

the best thing about world cup is I get to use the computer at night....

Nothing too exciting today, went for the annual blood tests and I don't know why but for some reason the dr. didn't order the usual EKG and the usual one where you fast, then give blood, then go eat and wait two hours and then give more blood. So I wonder if she forgot? as I have had those other ones for about four years in a row now. Now that I am 45 you would think they would be more important? Maybe I am doing well and she didn't think I needed them this time? Dunno, guess we will see what happens next year. Sometimes I think I am really healthy and sometimes I think I must be a walking ad for potential diabetes/heart disease. Sometimes I think we worry too much and other times not enough (about our health) I have to admit it takes up a lot of my thinking time, choosing what to eat and when to exercise and so on. In May I was exercising a lot, going to acquasizes anywhere from one to three times a week, fitting it in during my lunch hour, which I never thought I could do. Now my programs are over, I could be more flexible with my lunchhour a bit, but the pool is closed for maintenance and I have been so busy lately I have not had time to catch up the slack with the elliptical machine, which I was doing twice a week before. This week I have only been once I think and that is it for exercise. A bit of walking but not enough. I have even managed to miss my old lady chair dancing exercises this week due to my work schedule.

Sigh. This a.m. I was so virtuous, ignored all the junk food in the grocery store. Then after work, you know you are so tired, etc. Bought two choc bars in the gas station before coming home, ate half a little bag of M and M's. I have been trying not to eat in the car ever since my friend told me about a friend who nearly choked on a chicken finger while driving. Plus the husband does not allow eating in the cars since we got new ones. I don't know how we would have survived that when the kids were little with all the trips we made. Imagine not having cheerios in the seats...! I do like not having the mess,and I am a bit worried about the choking thing, cannot see myself giving myself the heimlich on the steering wheel, for one thing I am so short the steering wheel is too high to do that anyway, even if I did have the presence of mind to do it.

Anyway I suppose that is my rant for the day. What am I thankful for today? Electric sanders! (having spent half hour sanding little wooden blocks for work, spent an hour doing it on tuesday too--was too cheap to buy the predone blocks in Michaels, didn't want to pay a hundred bucks for them, but how long in salary dollars did it take to buy the wood, have B cut it up and then sand it? Sigh, sometimes really cool crafts are not nearly as cool as you think. Wish me luck tommorrow!
I am also thankful to not have a stomach-ache like I did last night. And for yummy hamburgers( supper, when we finally got our act together,,,everyone was too tired from work to cook....)I am thankful for the time that my husband and son are spending together, even if I do have to listen to soccer. Actually I don't mind soccer, beats football.
Tommorrow is another long day, a meeting in the a.m., the usual work in the afternoon. Sometime I will have to plant the bedding plants I bought today...not sure when. Poor things, I am a bad gardener.
But I am thankful for little pansy faces and colorful petunias and lovely tomatoes.
D.

kids and rain

funny how life changes over time. It is ten p.m. and my two youngest kids are playing with their friends. My 15 year old is out on the deck in the storm, getting wet with her friend. Enjoying it just like when they were little. My son and his friend are watching the world cup, checking stuff on the net and laughing. Makes the house feel more like it used to. My son's friend walked over in the pouring rain, was wet through and through. He was still wearing his lifeguard gear, so I just passed him a towel or two....Now he says he has fallen and can't get up....Now all we need is for Cait to be home. Her friend stopped by the lib today, home from Japan, waiting for his next port of call I suppose. Now if she was home, they could be over here laughing too. Makes the house feel alive. It is going to be weird in the fall when the house goes back to being just three of us again. I just about got used to it by the time winter was over. I don't suppose the boy will come home again next summer, so guess I will just be happy and enjoy the fact that he is home for now. How did they grow up so fast???? I could get into the whole thing I usually do, which is how did I get to be middle aged? Some days I definately feel my age and other days younger and other days younger. Today was definately a feel your age kind of day. Yesterday I was up from 6 a.m. till midnight, and running all the time, right up till I went to bed. So I knew I would be tired today. I have been dragging around getting stuff done, but today I am feeling it. Yesterday I was just bouncing. Tonight I have a stomach ache which is rare, and I have blood test in the morning, so can't eat now anyway, but don't feel like it. Just thirsty and I can have water, so after I get the dishes done, I am going to drink lots. Will be up peeing all night....oh well.

I am surprised we are back to rain again, it was starting to get sunny and hot these last couple of days. I like it cooler, but today was just muggy and unpleasant. I prefer this thunderstormy weather to that. I always have so much to do this time of year at work and at home. But threemore weeks and my baby girl will be home again.

Guess that is it for now, no philosophical debates today. I wonder what I am thankful for today? I think cool clean water to drink....the smell of rain....the laughter of my kids and their friends together now, talking about video games etc. My man has been pretty good this week, was really helpful yesterday. I am thankful for the good days. I am also thankful for hardwood floors, and cotton sheets. Bye for now, D

sun and rain

today has been a rainbow day. Yesterday, a child at work told me that "tommorrow will be clouds with some sun" and he was right! We have had days of rain and now today when I got up there was little bit of blue peeking out between..when I got home from work the sun was shining, and a beautiful rainbow was arcing across the sky. Usually we don't see complete ones. Then during supper, it decided to pour. Now the sun is back out, the birds are singing and the air smells great!

Let's all be thankful for spring rain. I do realize that we needed the moisture, and for once I didn't feel grouchy this week when I woke up and it was gray. I do admit though, that I was getting a bit tired of it. Got home last night, had a nice hot bubble bath to warm up from being cold and wet. I kind of enjoy that feeling, curling up in bed with your blankie, being grateful for the heat. In a short time, it may be too hot to do that. I think my favorite time of year is when the weather is about 70-75 degrees in the daytime. I wish I had some plants in, I am feeling quite guilty about the yard, which is too bad. I think if you get pleasure from doing yard work, then great, but somehow I have always equated it with work. My mother always enjoyed "liberating the plants!" otherwise known as weeding. My attitude to gardening has always been I liked the "planting, picking and preserving" but hated the "weeding and watering". I suppose it is one more responsibility to fall down on. I can understand why people like condos. My dad still gets to see grass and trees but he doesn't have to look after them. Apparently in Florida there is a drought. My daughter's pond outside her apt. is down about five feet and there has only been two little rains since we were there in March. Hard to comprehend, no rain when you are next to the water...I guess there is a tropical storm brewing, I didn't realize that my "worry time" was already here. Hurricane season lasts till end Nov. and I guess this year everyone thinks that it will be worse. I heard that here, btw. I realize that you can't worry ahead of time or you would be crazy. But after Katrina, I was so sure they were going to get it last year. They were missed by about an hours' drive. Too close to comfort for me. I was proud that they helped with shelters for those folks who were moved there after the hurricanes. I was reading the other day about helping rebuild the libraries of New Orleans. Makes me wish I could send books. So many books here are wasted.
I am a person who hates to see waste of printed matter. Had to recycle some Reader's Digests from work the other day as the board thinks no one would ever want them. But I had to laugh at my other job, we had some Reader's Digest condensed books on our sale table,and I Thought, you can't even give them away, nobody wants those, ever. After nearly 20 years in this line of work, that has been my experience. But I also feel that there is a place for everything if you look hard enough, I hate wastage. Lo and behold, along came a man, who happily paid us ten cents apiece and took the whole lot. So three people were made happy, the one who donated them to us, and cleaned out their basement or wherever, the person who got them, thinking he got a great deal. And of course, us. We made a whole 3 or 4 dollars, but it all helps.

Here I am on a soapbox again. I never know where I am going to go when I start typing...Here is my daily rant--I hate that things just get tossed, just because we live in an affluent continent with an overabundance of stuff. .... I have a crock pot, nearly new, which has died. The liner, which I loved for it's lovely deep green color and total ease of cleaning, is still usable as an oven pot, I would think. My mother used to cook baked beans in something similar. But I have to simply toss the outer shell with it's electrical bits into the garbage. I HATE this!!! I have become a composter, merely because I hate to buy garbage bags and because I hate the idea of throwing all that usable vegetation into them to rot along with the other garbage. I don't care if I ever get nice compost, because I am not really a gardener. But I want it to return to where it came from, the earth. When I first left home, I missed being able to throw it to the chickens. I had to learn to throw it in the garbage. Now this winter and spring, I have been tossing all my vegetation into a lovely Lee Valley compost bucket, which keeps the smell at bay and doesn't look too terrible on the counter. For several years I have been looking out my window at an unused compost bin, donated by friends who moved into a condo. So now I have one less guilt thing going on. I don't feel especially virtuous about it; I just don't feel bad about NOT doing it. (BTW, the first year or so I was away from home, I froze meat scraps in a milk carton for my parent's dog, so that I would always have to travel with these milk cartons, done up in bread bags....seems pretty funny now. ) I do recall how hard it was to learn to just throw these things away. Now I realize why I am the way I am about waste. I used to get irritated with my grandmother, who didn't like it if you bathed in more than an inch of water, and of course, I grew up luxuriously using great tubfuls. The depression was what made her do that, and I did pick up some of her habits about saving water, but I still do love to take great long hot showers and big deep bubble baths. I do, however, have plans to get a front loading washer as soon as I can. I want to save the power that my dryer is using by trying to dry my clothes that are too wet. I used a friend's front loader last summer and it was heaven. I had a lady going on at me, like a religious convert, for about ten min yesterday at work. I really want to have one, save water, save power and make my life easier. She told me she earned it back in a year, the extra it cost her to buy it. And that the clothes are in better condition now too. What more could you want? Can you tell I am a laundry junkie?

okay, I think I have definately rambled on enough. Let's see, what am I grateful for today? Yesterday we were quite busy at work, and today even busier. We could hardly draw breath and today I had a number of crises to solve (I think I thrive on problem solving though) in the late afternoon. Makes me feel good, I think, to cope and so forth. Must be the adrenaline rush. I am probably an adrenaline junkie, hence the always running late thing. If I am running early, I usually look for one more thing to squish in and get done. I am trying not to do that. Have been finding it hard lately, as after about ten years or so of our kitchen clocks being ten min ahead, the husband has decided to set them to real time. I think this week two or three now, and I am getting a bit better about it. Hard though, I was used to having a buffer.

okay, back to what I am grateful for today....how about my husband's ability to cook the best porcupines (the ground meat and rice " balls" in tomato sauce version, not the animal) on the planet. What could be nicer, than coming home after a long hard day at work, to a house smelling of lovely supper? Men have had a good thing going all these years! I am listening to the second part of my Phillip Pullman story on audio when I come home, started today. The first story was the Golden Compass, and it was riveting. Kids books, but really really good. This part is called the Subtle Knife and it promises to be as good. I think they are part of a series called His Dark Materials. I am just worried that the library may not have the last part on audio. He reads his own story, and it is just great. I was trying to tell my husband how it is similar to Harry Potter, and perhaps Rowling was influenced without rrealizing it. But they both have the elements of great storytelling. I love both authors. So I am profoundly grateful for audio books, and books in general. And music, of course, because it fills my life with enormous pleasure. I am also grateful for Garrison Keillor and Stuart Maclean's Vinyl Cafe on CBC, which I always thought was not as good as Prairie Home Companion, but it has grown on me too. I like them both. Just never get Garrison K, now that we have moved. It is on the net apparently, but I just don't have enough hours in the day. Speaking of which, the men are watching the world cup, so daughter and I have plans to watch something else on the boy's computer. Yay for techno kids. So I will sign out for now, contented with my long day. Hope you had a good one too!D.

rain rain rain

HI, here I am again. In an effort to remain positive thinking, I have to tell you that, althought it has been raining for two days, I am still rather cheerful. I was running all day, driving, getting wet, but enjoyed it. Knocked a mustard dish out of the fridge while I was in a hurry to make lunch and run to work, but instead of getting upset, I can see the good part of it , which is this: I know that mustard stains, so lucky me, I had taken off my shoes (normally I would kept them on , but it was raining) and they would have been wrecked, instead it just got the top of my sock, which is cleanable. It didn't get on my James Taylor shirt, yippee! I quickly wiped the floor and then it was over. It is all in the mood you are in. Today I am running on adrenaline, ran Bron to an appt this a.m., got us home with just enough time to get me lunch and back on the road, went to some boring training, but managed to do a bunch of work-related errands before and after and also managed to get to work on time for my shift. The only truly bad thing that happened today is I found out that another girl from this years grad class has died. Another friend of David's. We knew she was slowly dying of cancer, so it is less of a shock, but still awful. Two young girls, in the best time of their lives, full of promise, and potential. Both friends of my son, both known to my daughter. When you live in a small community these things are powerful in their effect on the community. In a couple of weeks we will have graduation, a celebration for a group of young people who are on the edge of adulthood, waiting to go out into the world, except two of them will not. It will be a difficult time. My heart goes out to all those friends, and classmates as well as to the families. I can only imagine how completely devastated I would be in their place. No parent should have to lose a child. I know it happens every day, but it doesn't make it any more fair. I know that death is a part of life and part of the human condition. No one can lead a charmed life, free from pain of loss. I still live in dread of the day when the phone rings and something has happened to one of my friends. I can only imagine how awful if I was 18 or 19.

Back to the things I am grateful for:

-family that is still on this planet.
-friends to talk to and confide in and celebrate life with.
-the ability to see and think and feel.
-the pleasure I take from young children at work. We have a fair amount of "warm fuzzy" moments derived from other people's children just being their cute innocent selves. Maybe that is why I feel no immediate need for grandchildren, I get to enjoy other people's children at work. It can be very gratifying, what I do. I tend to obsess sometimes about the lack of feedback, thanks, or knowledge that we get back from the people who are impacted by our work. Mostly we never know. WE all like to think we make a difference in the world. YOu know the famous old line about if you touch the life of one child, make a difference in the life of one child. The other day, I read that it is not enough, but I disagree. If the life of one child is changed from what I do, who knows what that child may become one day, who knows what they might teach their children. Maybe we are only cogs in a giant wheel and maybe it is not ours to know the reason why we are here, or the results of our lifetimes of hard work. But I like to think that I will have made a difference in some lives, no matter how small.

Then you start to think about other kinds of work, say the service industry. If we are all meant to do meaningful work, and you think, okay what about the cashiers that served me today? Was it important in the grand scheme of things? Well of course, because if not for them, a portion of my work would not have been accomplished, so indirectly they affect what I do.

A friend once remarked that her job as a money lender was not important enough. She felt she should be doing some kind of good works, make a difference in the world, but I felt she did good work, necessary work. Who knows who she helped by her service in the banking industry? It is just not so obvious. Everyone knows what good missionaries and aid workers do. But we don't know what good everyone else does.

This years summer theme is Quest for Heroes, and it encompasses community heroes as well as the usual, historical or superheroes and the like. I decided to have a contest, which I hope people enter, where they nominate their hero. I hope we get some Moms nominated, or teachers or kindly neighbours or german shepherds or ??? SAdly, I expect most people will think there are no heroes in their lives, but there are probably always some. You just have to look a bit harder for the ones that are not so obvious. Real heroes don't blow their own horns.

I wonder who my hero is? I guess it was always my mum. Her voice in my head is my conscience, and my guide. I suppose we all admire our mums, but mine was one special and talented lady, who just never got long enough to shine. It is my dad's birthday today, but this morning it was my mother I was thinking of. She was always trying to help whomever she could.

My dad is a nice guy too. I wish I knew him better. I wish Mum could have lived longer. I wish I made better use of the time I had with her and I wish I could make better use of the time left with him. There is so much I wish I could ask him, but I never remember when I see him. When we talk we talk about all and sundry, and I don't deny it is fun and interesting. I just don't want to lose all that family knowledge; I wish I could know who he really is. We always look at our parents under that heading "parent" and we don't really get to know who they are as people. I have done a lot of thinking, and sometimes I think I know a bit about my mother as a woman or a person, besides the person who was my Mum.

I found out this spring, when David's friend died, that my dad lost a friend when he was ten. I never knew this before. How many other things do I not know? How many things should I know? I think it is valuable to have siblings, so there is someone else who knows what life was like when you were young. I hope my children will share their knowledge when we are gone. I hope they will be able to remember things that give them joy. There is so much I don't know because I was too young to know. I think a lot of things that I think I know about my family life might not be accurate. I do realize that everyone has a different perception of the same incidents, hence family arguments at holiday times. But I have a lot of questions about the past and not so many people to give me answers.

So here is my thought for the day: none of us know how long we have on this earth, so talk to your families. Tell people you love them. be alive and in the moment.
Peace to you all out there in the blogosphere.
D.

quiet night

HI, just a quiet night in. Long day at work, tired right out now. Should iron some laundry but too tired. Just realized I am entering another one of those three weeks with no days off sessions....gack. I do have some bits of free time here and there though. seems like I have too much to do and not enough time to do it, started out today with a three item list, which became an 8 item list. I managed to get most of it done, but then more stuff pops up at the end of the day and I may only get half hour tomorrow at my desk, so don't know how much I will get done. when you are tired, it just feels so difficult. I had this great idea for my program next week, about 2 p.m. this aft. Thought it was great, till about 6 p.m. when I was in the lumberyard with Bruce. The idea is each kid has 6 cubes of wood, 2 in square. you paint it up and glue a photo to the top adn bottom sides to make a fathers day puzzle. (thank you family fun magazine!) Supposed to use double sided adhesive paper to stick on the picture. Well, if you buy nice little cubes of wood in Michaels, it would cost 7 bucks a kid, so not an option. They didn't have enough anyway. so we go to the lumberyard, and for about 5 bucks, get two 2 by 2 by 8 which Bruce will have to saw into little cubes for me, and I will have to sand, and possibly prime or paint or something. So the price is right, but how much work will this be???? Dunno, bit off more than I can chew, probably , but no option now, I already phoned the parents to ask for the photos...The paper turned out to be about ten bucks for two sheets and I suspect would not work well anyway on this wood. So I bought 20 bucks of some kind of adhesive that had better work, or else! And a ten dollar xacto knife to cut the picture once it is glued onto the cubes....Seemed like such a good idea at the time, now I am feeling bad about it, but I will feel better after a rest. After this shopping, we got home late and had to make supper and my brain feels like its swimming through jello.
It's my dad's birthday tommorrow, but I suspect we will take him out on saturday. I may get a chance to have coffee with him. Going to call now and see. Just might be able to sandwich it between Bron's appt and work....wish me luck. Hope you are all fine out there. Take care and be well. D

computer acting sluggish this a.m. but here goes. I was just eating breakfast and reading this article about wanting to be happier. They advocate focusing on the present , which is something I know I need to work harder on. I am always having to plan ahead so far in the work I do that sometimes I forget about the here and now. That is why Sunday was so much fun. It was impulsive and all about the right now, rather than the future. I do realize my times with my kids are quickly vanishing, so I should make the most of the time I have with them.
When I was a teenager, my mother always said if something happened to me, she would kill herself. I don't suppose I understood till I had kids. But I now realize that you have to have more to focus on than just your kids. I was number one in her life, and my kids have always been the first most important focus in my life. I now realize I should have somehow managed to focus more on my marriage. I always say"ain' t Daddy happy, ain't nobody happy" but that could go for Mommy too. I don't know if men realize whhat happens to women when they give birth. I know that some men feel that strong connection to their newborns also and that not all women do. I am generalizing a bit here to make a point. If you have a good marriage, then the children will be happy in that special place. Happy parents make a happy family. Unless of course they are so selfish that they ignore their kids in their quest for personal happiness...
Today I have my chair dancing with the seniors, then a checkup at the doctors, and then I am going to try working from home for a few hours. That should pretty much take care of my day, with some laundry and so forth thrown in. I was sitting here, eating a bowl of fake Captain Crunch that we brought back from Florida and when I got to this part of the article, I had to jump up to do what it says, which is to make a list of the things I am grateful for, starting with being alive.
yeah, I am glad to be alive. My oldest thinks I am too optomistic, but I think her view point is natural for her age. I remember having opinions about my mother that were very black and white as to what I thought she should be doing and thinking and being.
The computer is being so slow, I don't know how many I will do this a.m. but here goes:
-being alive
-having had at least 15 years of good marriage with a man I still love. I can't begin to guess what lies ahead for us. The past 10 years have been an education, I wish I could say a growth experience, but only partly.(" what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" was also one of Mum's favorite quotes)
-having three wonderful smart talented children who continue to amaze me
-having a relationship with my Dad that I never would have expected. The decade between me being 12 and 22, I hated my dad. After mum died I never wanted to see him again. But maybe her death had some purpose in that something in him must have changed. My Dad now is the dad I wished I could have had always.I am very grateful to have a relationship with him and the opportunity to see him often. Now if I would just remember to talk about really important stuff from the past, but we seem to talk about all sorts of other inane things. Which is fun.
-having really great in-laws. I can only aspire to be the sort of mother in law that I have had. Somehow I doubt I will manage it. Too nosy.
-I am grateful to have so many peoplewho love me. I am trying to tell that to my husband, how he should be grateful, but I think perhaps his depression makes it impossible for him to see it.
-I am grateful for all the wonderful people that I have met in my short life so far. I have good friends. I just wish I could slow down and go back to seeing more of them and my dysfunctional relatives. I have come to believe that we all have dysfunctional families. There is no perfect.
-I am grateful for purring cats lying beside me, sunny days, birds, Norwegian elkhounds and warm spring rain.

This keyboard is driving me nuts, at least the slowness of the computer or something, so I will have to quit and get ready for exercises with the old ladies. I am grateful for that. There is nothing to make you feeling good than to exercise with people who are 40 or 50 years older than you! (yay me! I can keep up at last!)And my dryer just beeped, so time to go. I hope that I can continue to find something to be grateful for each day and maybe I will try to post that. I used to tell my kids there was something good in each day, even bad days. Time to believe my own propaganda.
AS my daughter's roomate would say: Peace Out! Have a great day!D.

Well, today is another day. I decided that I will not ALWAYS post to the blog when I am in a bad mood. So I tried this a.m. but the server or something was not working so now you have me when I am tired and sore but still in a relatively good mood. I just finished with supper and am too tired to do dishes so am going to regale you with the last couple of days.

On Saturday, we hosted an antique road show type event, which became a good fundraiser. I had been worried we wouldn't break even, but we even made quite a bit of money for the library, so that was great. I spent quite a lot of today counting money, making deposits and the like. So the little town library has a healthy bank account, but is losing opening hours due to lack of circulation. Just a little rant here, why don't people read to their kids anymore? I know some people do, I see them in the city still, waiting for their turn with arms full of books. But I don't understand why so many people don't read to their kids at all, or maybe one book a month or something. They tell me they have books at home, but don't they get sick of them? I read to my kids till they were 13; it remains one of the very best memories of my life. With my son it was adult books, Star Wars and the like, after he graduated from kids' chapter books. Then we had Harry Potter. It was so hard not to read ahead.....!

Anyway done ranting. We had a really fun day on Saturday and I had my dad out for supper afterwards. Husband grilled pork on the BBQ that he had just fixed.(kudos for actually fixing something that is broken, right away, rather than leaving it a few years, and waiting for me to nag him to death about it, which makes us both really crabby!) I believe that last year I discovered that he hates BBQ-ing, but I still feel like it is a man thing. I can and sometimes do the BBQ-ing, but it is hard to get a meal ready that way, unless it is all out there. Mostly I look like a demented person flying in and out of the house every few minutes, trying to do it all at once. Anyway it was good, we had pork and store-bought salads, potato and bean. I like home made better, but hey, I was gone from 8:30 a.m. till about 6 p.m. and you just can't do it all.

Then yesterday I had planned to go visit my Grandmother. It is a 2.5 hour drive one way and my daughter and I do it a couple times a year, usually. I promised at Easter when I called her that I would be out on my next available weekend. Of course, I had to work the next two weekends and then when I had a weekend off, I was frantically trying to do laundry and such. I worked about three weeks non-stop without a day off in May and on the May long weekend, I took the youngest to Estevan to visit a friend and then we went to the farm for the next couple of days. So I knew that yesterday was my only option as I am not off again till the end of the month and then it is almost time for the oldest to arrive, so no time to go running about.

Anyhow the gist of the matter is, when it came down to it, I did not go. I played hooky. Oh I tried, really hard. I almost never blow something off, I am such a dutiful person I push myself to always do what is expected, but you know, sometimes, something has to give. I didn't sleep well all morning, so got up at 8:30, decided I should phone the oldest, she is two hours ahead, so it is hard to call her on weekdays as she goes to bed around 9:30, her time ,which for us is about suppertime here. So we talked a long time, I was telling her about these dreams I had all morning, every one had the same theme, I was having to do things I didn't want to do. I didn't realize they were all the same idea until I said it out loud. It was weird. That should have meant something to me, I guess. But actually I didn't mind going, I enjoy driving most of the time, really like to spend time with my dad and kid on the drive, I enjoy visiting my grandmother, who is very frail but her mind is just fine, thank you very much. I hope I am that sharp at 86 or so.

Sometimes you have to go ahead and do things you don't want to do because you know you should. But this has nothing to do with not wanting to go. I disliked visiting my other grandma in the home because she had alzheimers and didn't really know who I was. This is different. But anyway, to make a long description a bit shorter, I was just exhausted. I had spent all week running, had to get a broken tooth dealt with at the dentist, had lots of meetings and so forth at work, lots of figuring and such for setting up this antique thing, then a very long day on Saturday. It wasn't that physically tiring, I sat for a lot of it and I didn't haul the tables or big boxes of books (had a booksale too) but I think it was mental energy that was depleted. I didn't feel like staying home and doing housework either. Sometimes I put off going somewhere because I am just so behind in all my work at home that I feel I can't, but I had already mentally blocked this day off for family. Didn't want to do housework! But I kept yawning and such, just felt wasted. So in the end B and I decided to go to the city and if I was still tired when we got to my dad's we wouldn't go. So that is what we did. We just sat and visited and then went to a movie and came home. It was fun, a comedy. Paid for the expensive theatre, nothing on at the cheap one, naturally. When I want to go, nothing there, When the good ones are there, too busy to go. mind you, I have always loved Robin Williams (RV) and yeah, it was predictable and the usual gags, a guy taking his family on an RV trip. there was only a couple of little boys and us there, we had the whole theatre to ourselves on a Sunday afternoon, go figure. But I was hungry, so did the bad thing and ate half a can of Pringles and a can of pop. I wanted some humour, so I laughed with my daughter and had a good time. Sure, I felt guilty for not following my plan, but gee it felt good to take a day off, and that good feeling followed me into today. Something to be said for finally having a real day off. Came home and called an old friend who I recently found out was in the area. I had tried earlier in the week but she was gone and she had left me a message later but I was too busy to call back, So now, I came home, to my husband's surprise, and did not want to do a speck of work on my day off, so I sat down (I usually do dishes and clean the kitchen when I allow myself a phone call) and called her up, and she was home. It felt great to connect again, now we want to make plans to get together before she leaves Sask. again. The kids wanted BBQ hot dogs, so I made some and we had a late supper, followed by vegging on the couch and watching Coronation STreet with my kids, the perfect end of the day. We all had to go to bed as son started his summer job today, got back on where he worked in high school. Daughter had been up all night before, only had an hour or so of sleep all day (needless to say she missed her first two classes today, made it to the class before lunch, then came home and told me today is early dismissal!!!AT least she made it to one class today and it was a serious one, a good one not to miss!) I am tired now too, did a lot of running around today, as usual, then worked for the afternoon here. Tommorrow, I think I am going to try to do some work from home. I have a dr. appt that is going to mess up the timing of the day, so thought I would try to do that, rather than blow the gas money to go work in the city in the evening (I usually work evening on Tuesdays)where all I might do is try to catch up on my email and some planning that I can do here. I have never really done that before, but the programming season ended last week, so I am not blowing off a program. My city work centers around programming. I still have a whackload to do at work planning for the summer, cleaning and filing and catching up....But I have a puppet that needs a costume and all my sewing stuff is here, so hopefully I can squeak some work- sewing in as well. I miss doing home sewing, I had let my fabricland membership lapse last year. I bought so much material for the wedding that never happened, that I finally filled up my discount card, but have had no reason to go back to buy anything! I vowed to use up what I have here, which is lots. But i had to go in to get some fabric for work, and then I saw some lovely curtain material, buy 2 yards (i mean meters, right?!) and get one free, so who could resist. My living room curtains are some that I brought from home in the late 70's so who knows how old they are. I finally decided I was sick of them. But I haven't had a chance to get at them. Maybe when oldest daughter is home I will get her to help me cut them out. That is my biggest problem, So much fabric and wants to slither off the table, etc. So much easlier with a helper, then all I have to do is hem the sides and put a pocket on the top, and voila! cheap new curtains! I had wanted to make new blinds. Our old verticals don't work right, you can't get them open and they have been driving me nuts for years. But now it is summer, and they need to be permanently closed till fall anyway! So maybe in fall I will try to sew some roman blinds, try something different for a change. Check with me again in a year, and see if I have done it yet!!!?

I think work sucks up all my creativity, but at least I have jobs where I can exercise my creativity and do pretty much what I like. Can't argue with that. I also decided to quit thinking about how terrible my hair is. IT has a life of it's own, I always look like i just got out of bed, but I realized that I still really love the color. Find something nice about something, rather than obsessing about all the bad. I want to be a more positive person. I know from experience when I hang around with negative people,. I get more negative, so I am trying to not do that.

Well if you have read this far, then you know it is time for me to go already. I am like my son, words just bleed and bleed till I shut them off. Makes me wonder if we will ever be professional writers??? One can dream. Today I was wondering what I will be doing when I am older, say 60's-ish. I wonder if I will ever write a little column. I think it might be one of my ambitions. I figure if I ever lose my sight, then I will ask to be taught musical instruments. I wonder if they let you drum in the nursing home?
On that thought, bye for now! Take care, my friends. D.

Okay it is venting time! I had a relatively non-productive day at work and I am tired but that is not why I am upset. First of all, I come home tired and hungry and become instantly crabby because it is apparent that no one has done a chore, and furthermore there are undone ones from yesterday. So that makes the husband cranky. Cranky man equals cranky woman. Okay ,so fine. I make supper and he does some dishes as I trip over the unputaway groceries that have been in the middle of the floor for 24 hours. I make a nice table, nice food and call the critters who eventually come. Husband proceeds to shovel food in and be totally non-verbal. Daughter wants permission to do something questionable but husband will not offer any words at all., will not even look up and acknowledge that he was spoken to. Fine. So then family wants to know about a cake that was made yesterday by husband. wife doesn't know if any is for family or where it even is. (wife has requested two dozen pieces for library fundraising event tommorrow)(husband did some baking last night, but wife does not know which is for family, if any) Husband replies with his usual " How should I know?" which drives wife crazy as he is only one who made or put away said cake. Husband vanishes, wife grumbles at lazy children who do not seem to realize that mother is not put on planet to clean up after grown children. MOther makes usual speech about everyone lives here, makes mess and has to help clean mess. Son stomps off and slams door. Daughter follows. Mother finishes meal alone, talking to cat. So much for family meal ( a rare occurance these days obviously), so much for discussing important family issues, so much for any help whatsoever. Mother decides she and cat should move out. Mother knows better. This is not an unusual occurance unfortunately. I can understand why people go to work, life at home is much more difficult. Maybe I should email memos to family members, like co-workers, except that I know they would get just as ignored. I can see why people kick their kids out. the Frustration level is enormous!!!! But of course, I would miss them. I like their company, when we are doing pleasant things. Somehow I have screwed up the mothering thing in the past few years, because they seem to think they don't have to do unpleasant things. My only comfort is that they will find out one day for themselves what life is about. I hated chores too, but i did them. I find the whole thing ironic, I spent three hours in a meeting this afternoon about parenting skills and literacy for families adn so on, and I felt quite smug, I obviously did the right things when it came to literacy--my kids all became intelligent, educated, fairly well-rounded people. They are just lacking the skills of living communally. My son has always been the kind who cleans up after himself, but feels no need to lift a finger about anything anyone else has done, or any communal cleaning. I am still waiting for the bathroom to get cleaned after a week. My daughter has always used any opportunity to skive off. as the youngest she knows if she waits long enough, someone else will get fed up and do it. So the daughter tried to just take off for a walk with a friend but I managed to head her off and lo and behold, the food got put away....Now if I could only motivate son. Son really didn't want to come home for the summer, and I know it is a trial to live in the family home after leaving home. But of course, it is the affordable alternative for the summer. It is hard to treat someone like an adult when they are acting like a kid. Boy do I recall how hard it was to live at home after leaving home. Hard for parents not to be so parental. However, I think I am justified. When you live with someone, you owe them chores, nothing above and beyond is being asked for. Simple housekeeping chores. somehow it was better when they were little. I think it is the oldest one who kept them in line because I sure can't. I have the feeling that no one, including husband,with the exception of the cat, hears a word I say, and she doesn't pay attention either, but I expect that of a cat. Cats are selfish. They do what they like when they like. I think I should have had cats. Then I wouldn't be feeling so angry and disappointed right now. I realize that with the joys of having a family come the disappointments also. I realize that I have three wonderful children, who are amazing to talk to and be with. In many ways I am very proud, but maybe we just can't live together without driving each other nuts. I will bawl my eyes out when the youngest is gone. I enjoy her so much when I get the chance. I am used to the other two living their lives without me now. Boy is it weird, only a short time ago they were all little and hanging on my legs. Seemed I would never have a minute to myself. Now that is all I have. I can understand why one of my friends took a part time job after her day job was done, as no one was home or they were asleep. Mind you, I can think of a million things to do when I am alone. My mother taught me how not to be bored, and I just am not bored. I guess that is what the lady today called a value. How you teach your kids the values you have (eg. if a kid steals a candy and you value honesty you will deal with it accordingly, but if you don't, you say" where's mine?why didn't you steal two?) ) This lady had her house burgled by a young man with a 3rd grade reading level. He was the thief, the parents were the fences. It was their family business. I expect he didn't know any better....That is an obvious value, but we were discussing family values such as behaviour in public and so on. Well I have to say my kids were honest and well behaved in public. I suppose if they didn't learn to live neatly with other people that is not the worst defect they could have. But I live in wait for when the youngest tries to live with other people. Roomates and spouses are not the same as parents you can blow off. It can make life difficult unless you find someone the same. Who knows. Maybe that will happen. I just know that right now I feel like I have failed in a major way. Another woman who has the same kind of kids, feels the same as I do, that it was working part time that did it. Parents who work full time seem to raise kids who know you have to all pull together (having said that my mother was a stay at home mother but we all pulled together when it was time).
Okay well now that I am done venting, you can skip to the end, right? I just needed to tell someone how incredibly frustrated i am right now. ( so yeah, post it on the web for the world to see-how dumb is that? But maybe someone will run across is and realize she is not alone--I think this generation is incredibly selfish. ) There is an article in the May readers digest on the children of hte baby boomers and I was surprised to find it very accurate. Maybe someone will study this phenomena someday. It has probably happened before (I am thinking of the children of European noble families in the past century) I am pretty sure it is not new. You would think we would learn from our mistakes but I have a theory that we don't quite live long enough. We don't seem to be passing our knowledge to the next generation or two and then they are doomed to repeat our mistakes. Or maybe it is the human condition to ignore good advice and forge on and make our own mistakes. I can't help feeling sorry for the next couple of generations. I can't help but think we let our parents generation down. Okay, off I go to do the dishes. Husband is mowing jungle lawn. Good way to vent anger and so forth, I suppose. But usually he just seems more frustrated when he gets done. I hate lawnmowers. I keep saying we should plan Dutch clover, it stays green, needs no mowing, stays short, looks nice, doesn't need all the care of grass. I can't understand why we plant grass for lawns we don't use. It always need tending and then when it grows, we have to mow the @#$%^ stuff! does this make sense? NO, but that is a rant for another day. Take care, D