feeling my age or possibly older

I have so much to say tonight I feel like I might explode. I can hardly figure out where to start. I just returned from a baby shower. I cannot actually remember ever having been to one, although I was to many wedding showers in my youth. Cait having the audacity to arrive the night before our surprise baby shower means I was never even got to attend one for me. I guess I expected certain things, such as a program of sorts or entertainment. I have read about such things and I think they usually feature something of the sort, but this was basically, show up, sit down, fill out an envelope with your name and address so the baby's mom can send you a thank you card (good idea, really) A poem was read, and then the guests were served food which they could eat while the honored mother and family members opened all the gifts. That was it. People visited while the family was opening the gifts, the mother said thanks, the family had their lunch and people went home. wow. I mean, this is the first baby shower in this community that I felt I had a reason to attend, the mother being the worlds best dental hygenist, at least she is our favorite at our dentist's as well as being a neighbour. Being that we are constantly encouraging people to read to their babies, I bought a lovely board book which I thought was appropriate. Maybe it looked chintzy, but I really don't care.

The room was divided between people who are the age of the grandmas (eg. everyone at the table I sat with was probably aprox ten years older than me, so that their children are in prime child bearing years) and then there was the young women with their babies and small children. I really felt out of place. No one talked to me except regarding my work as the community librarian. We have lived here for ten years and that is all the context I have really. Everyone else had friends to talk to.

It is a measure of how isolated I am in that I chose to come home and immediately blog into the ether, rather than call a friend. I have free long distance in this continent; there are people I could call, good friends that I have not seen in way too long. I am in the position of being totally alone in the house with not a single reason to not phone other than I don't feel like it. I got out of the habit in the days of huge long distance bills and I find it an effort to call people, even though I love to talk. Knowing that I monopolize conversations means I really don't want to call any of my friends to vent about this. Maybe tommorrow. Today I feel like venting into space.

I read a lot of articles about becoming a good listener. At work we are told to be good listeners. I find, in the anonymity of my work, I can make chance random comments about my children when they were little to the people I serve. I see all these people with little children and I suddenly remember my children when they were the same. I think that is part of my problem; I loved being a mother and coping with everything. It was over way too fast and yet having had them all spread out, I had it a lot longer than some people....

In some ways it seems like no time at all ago and in other ways, it feels like a million years ago. I am not suffering from grandma envy, although most of my friends have now become grandmothers. I admired the cute little ones there tonight and all the many that I see at work, but I have no burning desire to have one of my own, or to have my children have one for me to spoil.

I suppose what this is all about is really the same old thing. The demise of my family as I know it. The rebirth of the middle aged family, eg. two people and a barfing cat. Actually tonight it is just me and said cat. B is in Winnipeg at a conference and Bron is away for a few days, visiting friends. so for tonight it is just me and the cat, hopefully not barfing.

There is really two parts to what is bothering me tonight. One is that we have lived here ten years and it is like nothing. I knew when we left our previous village that 14 years would be as nothing to the residents, that if you asked them in a year or two who this family had been,even though we had both (and the kids)been very involved in the community (unlike now) people would hardly remember us. Would not remember the improvements we made. Even our closest friends there have dropped out of touch for some reason. I still really care for them, but perhaps we are all too busy to keep the connection alive and the longer we go without doing that, the harder it gets. The thing that gets me, is that I know I will never feel as connected to a place as I was to that place. It is where I was a young wife, where I learned to be a mother, coped with the death of my mother, coped with all the illnesses and problems of raising children. I knew so many people and they knew us. It really was as much of a home as we will ever have.

I knew when we moved that it would never be like that again. This is a bigger place, with people already having enough friends, etc. I did make friends, but they all moved away. Now that the children are grown, there is very little interaction with other people. I do have some, but working in the city makes me unable to do much when I am home. I have just given up the school board after what, 6, 7, 8 years? I see my library patrons, but it is not the same as having a friend you can call, or who will drop by. I tell myself I don't have time for new friendships, and I don't. I tell myself that the house is always way too gross for people to come over, and it is. We can hardly stand to live in it ourselves.

My husband hardly knows a soul here after ten years. No one would recognize him except for those people who make it their business to know everybody. He is basically a recluse, with one friend in the city that he sees sometimes.

I realize the modern way of things is friendships at work. Given that I live out of town, I am not included in the work friendships that exist outside of work hours. There is no one who would call me to go shopping on a day off. I sometimes go to manufactured social occasions (eg. like a tupperware party) but I know that those are the things where you want numbers. I still enjoy myself, but it is not the same. I get along well with the people I work with, and we ask about each others kids and so on, but when you work part time, there are gaps in communication. So we know bits and pieces about each other's lives but not enough, really.

I work with a person who had a baby at 40, making her about five years younger than me. We see eye to eye on a lot, but as far as her home life goes, she is where I was over 20 years ago--makes me feel ancient sometimes. I don't envy her, she doesn't get much rest and her child has serious illnesses. Her home life is busy and complex, as houses with small children are. My home is nearly empty. Life is pretty simple around here. Get up, go to work, come home, struggle with housework, bookeeping, the necessary stuff of survival, try to get an hour here or there of r and r, go to bed, start over.

I know I am feeling somewhat defeated because of things at both my jobs right now. I know my house defeats me. I know that my life, although I would normally characterize it as pretty happy, is somewhat devoid of the joys that I see other people having (eg. a social life?).

Such as tonight, most of those people were related. Both our families here are diminishing as the old ones die off and the young ones are not involved with us. We don't come from big families in the first place, and our children will not likely be replacing us with big families either.

I know that my kids will all be far apart and that I am lucky that they are decent communicators, better than I was at their age. They seem to care about each other and for their aging parents to a certain extent, but they don't exist to fill a void in our lives. I wouldn't want them to. I guess when you see a community like this, with the grandparents suddenly having babies all around them, and their sisters and sisters in law also having them, it draws a sharp contrast to our families. No babies here. No sense of family continuity I guess.

When I was first married, I loved the sense of family I got from B's family. For years, everyone gathered periodically, enjoyed each others company, showed off all the kids, etc. It felt fun to belong to a large family group. Now everyone seems busy, cranky, whatever. The older ones getting sick and sometimes behaving oddly, which makes people cranky. The young ones not being there.No one seems to want to get together anymore. There don't seem to be many weddings as people choose to live together or have small weddings on their own. Funerals are going to be the family social gathering event over the next decades, not weddings or christenings. Easter this year was a quiet affair, as it often is anymore, just us, the brother in law, two of my kids, my in-laws. As usual, my mother in law made enough food for two or three times as many people. I think I can see where she is coming from, I routinely cook too much when I cook, especially if the kids are coming home. Two overweight middle aged people and one very thin teenager do not need to eat a lot.

I miss the hustle and bustle. I miss the big vats of food that I used to need to cook. I miss being needed, I think. Yup, that must be it. I see the future and it is not very pleasant to think about. B and I enjoy each others company most of the time, but we live fairly separate lives. He is not much of a talker anymore, so I talk and he pretends to listen. Sometimes people listen but I can't blame them for tuning me out when I am such a talker.

Maybe its an only child thing. You grow up feeling you matter, that what you do and say is important to someone. Sometimes I think birth order practically preordains what happens to us. I do believe it is very important. Shapes how you respond to the world from the earliest age.Also how the world responds to you. I was determined not to let it affect my kids, but they seem to behave predicatably for their birth order.

Funny old thing, middle age. Creeps up on you. Suddenly the tight schedules start to fall away, you start talking to your friends about your aging parents and the affects on you, instead of your growing children. I seem to care less about a lot of things I used to care about and seem to give up on some of the things that I do still care about. Everything seems more difficult and it is only going to get worse. I can see why people get so excited about grandchildren. Takes your mind off things, gives you something else to obsess about.

Maybe I thought there would be more time for ourselves, and in some ways, there is. I mean, I am answering to no one tonight. If I choose to leave the dishes piled up, who cares. I plan to monopolize the computer for a change, watch the tv I feel like watching and go to bed when I feel like it. I mean, you have to get some joy from being left on your own! I could have gone with B, but not much notice and some work things are interfering, plus lack of money and so on. I don't really mind, as it is Winnipeg. If he gets to go to Ottawa again, I really want to go. I mean, haven't been to Winnipeg for about 7 years and not for any kind of vacation for a decade or so, but I do know what it is like.

I am fairly excited about going to Minneapolis this summer. Finally got my passport a few days ago. Won't even go into what an experience that was, suffice it to say, I am glad I didn't mail it. I heard about someone at work who is flying out tommorrow, mailed theirs in January and never got it. Had to re-do it on line a few days ago and pay extra for expedited in order to get it on time.... Mine took about 6 weeks, rather than the month they said. Bron's took 2 weeks (once she finally got her turn, actually B had to go and wait 5 hrs, I only waited 2 but it was 6 weeks later), but we paid extra for hers as time was an issue.

Anyway I sense this a novel again as usual and as it made me feel better to get things down, I suppose it did the job I wanted it to do. I am incredibly grateful today for the fact that the daughter said she would clean up her stuff (never ever does this, you understand, when she left for Florida, I had to pile her stuff into boxes so we could use the living room in relative peace and harmony while she was gone) but we came home from work and the living room does not contain one solitary item of hers. I have never seen anything like it. There is still stuff in all the other rooms in the house, but the living room is ours, mine actually, for a whole couple of days. I consider it a treat to be able to sit on my couch and watch my tv. I realize I should not sweat the small stuff, when she will be gone in just a couple years. I suppose that is why she gets away with living as she does, that and the fact we are tired out. I know we should rule with an iron fist but at the end of the day, we are too tired to care. I am very grateful that she spends any time with me at all, I think I didn't have as much time with her as a little girl, but she is getting way more time with me than her sister did as a teenager, so I suppose it works out. I suppose the classic middle kid, D didn't spend as much time with me or B as the girls. He did as a little guy though. Had us all to himself most of the time till Bron came along. It is so weird, looking at photos, how do they grow up so bloody fast?

When you have them, you have to alter your whole life, no one tells you how everything will change and you will never be the same again. Then suddenly they grow up and fly away. Hopefully we have done a decent job. I see they all have emotional baggage, as did we. I kinda think that is unavoidable. No one grows up perfectly adjusted.

Anyway they go and then you can have your life back, except you don't really want it. The novelty of being able to do what you want (eg. watch your own tv shows) wears off pretty fast. I felt quite depressed about it when the kids were away during the Feb. break. I don't think it affects B the same way at all, but then he was not that involved in the life of the family because he was busy working. I miss the vacations. You could argue that now we could go somewhere on our own, but he doesn't want to do that either. I suppose we will get used to it eventually. I have visions of hopping planes to go see the kids. I wish one would live in Ireland or Europe for awhile.....and I wish my job would become full time and have paid vacations. sigh.

I am grateful for the work I do and the salary I do get. I feel grateful for the fresh air and quiet life that I can enjoy in the spring. today I could smell dirt. I am not a gardener but I still loved the smell. The last of the snow is almost gone, at last. Time to get out and walk. I am grateful for the enjoyment of so many of life's pleasures-- live theatre, music, books, the sky. When you feel down, you really need to remember what a blessed life you do lead, empty nest or no. I wish I didn't always have to see the worst in everything before I see the best. Guess that is what comes of inheriting the worry gene. I still think I am mostly a glass half full person, but sometimes it definately feels half empty.

I will go now to enjoy the dark quiet of the night in a house unoccupied by other people. I have to tell myself that for years, I dreamed of this. Even just a few short min to myself. Now I spend hours by myself. Somedays all my meals take place in front of this computer, a tv or a book. And I still can't keep up to all I want to do and read.

Okay I am really going this time. Me and the scrabble maven have a date for an hour. I love winning but don't do it very often. I hope that anyone who reads this has a pleasant day and remember to tell the people you love that you love them. I pretty much have realized that I have two basic things that I would leave behind on this earth: the concepts of tolerance and equality for all people and making sure that people know they are loved. I hope my kids got that. Maybe not as useful as knowing how to replace a spark plug or cook a turkey, but hey, we teach what we teach.
D.

update

Well I wonder how long I am going to continue washing dishes in a dishpan. Reminds me of camping. Sometimes life in a little town sucks. as in, one plumber, not reliable, what do you do? although perhaps in the city, although there is a plethora of plumbing firms, I know they are always all busy as well. I know the gov't if finally trying to divert students to the trades, but I wish those kids would hurry up and finish their training and get working, so we could have tradesmen that were available!!!

It is very interesting, washing my dishes now. I do it at every opportunity so it doesn't pile up. I rinse the mucky ones so I can dump a mucky dishpan before I get started on the one with the cleaner water. Reminds me of my grandmother, who even in the 60's and 70's, with running water in town, would still freak out if you used more than an inch or two in the tub and always did her dishes about the way I am doing now, only with an inch or two less water than I am using....I can only fill about two thirds the way up, or I will spill on my trek to the toilet. IN some ways, it makes me laugh....I should go find my other dishpan (likely buried in camping gear from a decade ago or ???who knows) so I could have a rinse sink. I never realized how much hot water I use for rinsing till I realized that if I wash dishes like I normally do, the dishpan fills up too much. How trivial is this for a morning chat? Guess I need to get it off the chest for now. I am starting to worry that the dishwasher will seize up by not being used. don't they need to keep certain parts wet or they dry up and leak later? Guess we will see. There are still a few dirty dishes in there. Perhaps at some point I will take them out and wash them. I find myself delaying certain food prep as the dishes will be too dirty (eg. mustard) although I did make potato salad yesterday. Many rinses for mayo type dishes.....Makes you aware of the grease you eat....how appetizing....I miss my dishwasher for the greasy stuff....

Yesterday I had just such a nice day. I was happy and smiling almost all day. First of all, got my potato salad made before exercises, had a great time chair dancing with the old ladies, got home and had lunch, did everything I needed to do and managed to get out the door on time (miracle for Tuesday a.m.) even with having my shower at 8 min to departure time. I still don't know how I did that. I usually have trouble getting out the door when I have it half hour before departure. Maybe this time because I ate my sandwich before the shower instead of after? Maybe that is the key to getting away on time? Got to work on time, even with a train crossing the ring. Yay. somedays things just go right.Co-worker and I went work shopping all afternoon. It is always the best fun shopping with someone else's money. Got about 10 inches or so of thin paperbacks for only 100 bucks, couldn't believe our luck in finding what we wanted. We are working on a project and were not getting the books we wanted from the person who orders the books. Plus a mixup in tech services so we may not even have the books she ordered for us. And no way to tell. The computer system at work has been down four days, which is unheard of. People are very anxious, both public and staff, so it was a great day not to be at work.....Then after supper, I finished the script I was working on for the puppet show this summer. We have always done our show in late Aug. but this year we are first week of July, so we have to get it through our heads that we need to be two months sooner in being ready, so now I feel pretty good about things. I started the script about 3 weeks ago but have had NO time to get back to it, so I feel pretty great about that. I guess not having access to email is not so bad after all. Gave me time to work on it that I would not have otherwise had. ON the flip side, my entire work email may be gone, that is what it is sounding like. My boss told me yesterday not to even try opening it. going to be interesting if the entire staff have no email files etc. I know I had over a thousand emails not read yet, most of which would not be important, but there would be a number of them that would be that I would not have seen. When you work part time sometimes you just can't get at it for several days and it piles up. Last year I accidentallly hit a button and wiped out my email that was waiting to be answered and they couldn't get it back. I have had a harder time this year keeping up with it too, so was way behind. Makes me wonder what it would be like to have time to keep up. I fantasize about having enough time to actually do my job....Maybe it is impossible. I seem to be overwhelmed by how behind I am in all my jobs plus home. (haven't even done income tax yet) Should be cleaning kitty litter box right now, usually done an hour ago on Wed. a.m. but I felt the need to blog.....

Anyway yesterday, had a great day, just great, all day long. Did a good deed. In one store, they were without power and the clerk was at a loss what to do about giving me change. Their cash register was diff from our new one, but I figured worth a chance, I told her to feel underneath for a button that will open the drawer and it worked! (I only know because we have a new one at work, which we had NO training for and one busy day when I was in charge, it was refusing to work, so I looked in the book and thought maybe if I could open the drawer it would reset itself.that was not the case, but now I know how to open the drawer if you have to.....) So now my co-worker knows too. And the store lady! So that made me feel good.

To contrast, the day before was just dismal all day long. Had customer service training which we don't need. Only served to point out the flaws in our workplace (eg. no backup and support for what we do) Any problems we have in delivering great service is caused by the flaws in the computer system and the way things are managed. Stupid things for the most part. So why tell us we are doing a poor job. We do the best customer service we can and the money spent in training would have been better in hours allowing us to get more work done.....Plus I was just freezing cold in that room. Hardly got any work done and to boot, when I had to take a day off for next week, my boss decided that it was okay, I could just trade yesterday for it. So that means not only do I have a short week this week due to Easter, I also have only two days next week to do everything I need to do to prep for the next season....yeah, I know that all the bosses think that everything springs forth instantaeously, but NO, it requires research and plain old grunt work to spring forth at all. I have come to realize that no one actually knows what we do except the other people in the same position. We work our guts out and get no thanks except for the few comments from patrons once in a while. The little smiling kid faces are what we get for our efforts and you have to be content with that. As I Told my previous boss, no one is out there awarding you a gold star for the great job you do. You have to do it for personal satisfaction. Luckily we love what we do or we wouldn't be doing it.

Speaking of loving what we do, I only have three hours to do all my household chores and exercises, etc. before I go off to do what I love. (most days anyway)The spectre of hiring a new assistant for work here is making me kind of depressed although I did get one call of inquiry about it, so that is a good sign. (no applicants from here last time)It just takes so long to train a new one, so many errors to correct for months and the summer is a bad time to have a new helper, particularly when I was planning to not be here for July. I will have to make things as simple as possible, but the summer reading program for little libraries is what Christmas is to the merchants. I can't ignore it because it can make or break us for the years stats. Unfortunately, not many kids here actually read. I could go on for hours on this particular rant. In the city our problem for this year is that we don't want to do the PR if the front desk is not staffed well enough. Last year we had more than double the usual business and half the staff; the remaining staff were run ragged. This year my co-worker and I will not be in house for the busiest time of the summer (July) so we want to ensure there will be staff in place. Good Luck I say. we will need it.

okay I thought I promised myself not to rant about work in this blog. Arrg.

okay thankful today for sunlight, even though it is cold out, makes me feel happier. Thankful for Easter coming, will pick up the boy and have a bit of family time. Thankful that my toilets etc are still working. Without them we would be truly in trouble. Thankful for yummy food in the fridge. Speaking of, I think I turned on this machine so I could look up a recipe on the net for supper tonight. better go do that.....Ta Ta. Have a great Easter! D