wow! another two years has gone by! where does the time go?
I haven't thought about this blog for a long time. I guess facebook fulfills my need to talk to strangers, or even friends in a limited way. That and going to therapy.....
If I hadn't just been noticing an entry from someone's blogger post on facebook, I wouldn't have even thought of clicking on here and having a peek at my old blog.
now it seems that someone looked at it a few days ago. hmm, I wonder who happened upon it. I would guess that a lot of people use the same title for their blogs or facebook or whatever. I still feel it sums up my life sometimes.
I find that mostly I am happy, but that sometimes I am depressed. Then I try to think of all the problems there are in the world and how my few problems seem very petty in comparison. The gratitude journaling would work if I kept it up.
Tonight I am grateful for fuzzy socks, Christmas trees, lights, blankies, cups of tea in reindeer cups, a fridge full of leftovers and two warm and fuzzy cats that will soon be keeping me warm in my bed. It is 2 a.m. and I know I have to go to bed. I wish I knew why I continually do this to myself. I guess it is my nature. more a night person than a morning person, although I do love mornings too, but only if I get enough sleep, which I rarely do. Sabotage, personal sabotage. I know better, but I guess I am only human. We all go around this time of year thinking of all the failings that we have and how we need to address them.
actually I do that all through the year. No point making resolutions that you will only break in a week or two. I just keep plodding, or should I say, just keep swimming....
Actually I wish I could swim all the time. I don't hate exercise. I just hate finding time for it. And I hate freezing wet hair in winter. sigh. time to go back to the wii fit and the elliptical machine. Time to cook healthier food and eat more reliably.
yeah, right. all I really want to do is cuddle my cats, huddle under a blankie and read with my cup of tea and knitting nearby. Don't feel like being ambitious, don't feel like doing all the mounds of work that await me on all fronts. wish I could just stop working sometimes. I know I would miss it, and of course, cannot do without the wages. But sometimes I just feel like I need a vacation.
I use up my vacation time going to see my kids, mostly. But sometimes I feel like i should just take a week or two and clean my house. Then I could feel better about it. Instead of feeling nauseous when I look downstairs. How can a person accumulate this much stuff in 35 yrs of adulthood? I guess I didn't do it all myself though. I wonder what things would have been like if I had been all alone all that time? Doesn't bear thinking about except maybe for the lack of stuff part. The kids have dealt with a lot of their stuff, not all of it. Some of it is just there because I want it to still be there. Momentoes of the happiest time of my life. Worldly goods. sometimes I wonder how we get bound into this whole thing of working to acquire things and then having to work to deacquire them again. Strange folks are we.
okay really don't need to be going into all of this, Life and the meaning of it all, at 2 a.m. I am going to turn out the lights, turn off the computer and go to bed like a good girl. I have about 50 books calling my name. If I never took another one out, would I be done in a year? Again, personal failings. I wonder why I am interested in almost everything? why do I like learning? Why can't I absorb enough and why am I always looking for more?
I guess the basic me is still the basic me. I am probably no different than when I was five. today I was reading an article about thinskinned people, and how they are born that way and how some people would like to tell them to just get over themselves, that it isn't always about them. Maybe it is a product of only childness. but I have known people from assorted sized families being thin skinned also. I find my skin is getting thinner, both figuratively and literally. The joys of aging.
I think when you have a breakdown, even when you get over it, the cues are still there. The triggers still exist and I have a hard time with that. It doesn't take much to send me over that edge. I find the loss of control is not fun. I don't like feeling direspected and pushed around. I don't like being told what to do. I really resent people getting rid of things that I use without my sayso. I think that comes from a long history, starting with my parents having all their childhood things disposed of without any say. I was determined not to do that to my kids (hence the house full of stuff???). I find it very disrespectful to decide for someone else what they do or do not need and what they should and should not have.
okay my brain is still bleeding words out and it is now quarter past 2. time to stop thinking and go to bed with my book. and my fuzzy purring cats. Life is good. really, I mean that. parts of my life are indeed very good. So many things to be grateful for on a daily basis. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
If I hadn't just been noticing an entry from someone's blogger post on facebook, I wouldn't have even thought of clicking on here and having a peek at my old blog.
now it seems that someone looked at it a few days ago. hmm, I wonder who happened upon it. I would guess that a lot of people use the same title for their blogs or facebook or whatever. I still feel it sums up my life sometimes.
I find that mostly I am happy, but that sometimes I am depressed. Then I try to think of all the problems there are in the world and how my few problems seem very petty in comparison. The gratitude journaling would work if I kept it up.
Tonight I am grateful for fuzzy socks, Christmas trees, lights, blankies, cups of tea in reindeer cups, a fridge full of leftovers and two warm and fuzzy cats that will soon be keeping me warm in my bed. It is 2 a.m. and I know I have to go to bed. I wish I knew why I continually do this to myself. I guess it is my nature. more a night person than a morning person, although I do love mornings too, but only if I get enough sleep, which I rarely do. Sabotage, personal sabotage. I know better, but I guess I am only human. We all go around this time of year thinking of all the failings that we have and how we need to address them.
actually I do that all through the year. No point making resolutions that you will only break in a week or two. I just keep plodding, or should I say, just keep swimming....
Actually I wish I could swim all the time. I don't hate exercise. I just hate finding time for it. And I hate freezing wet hair in winter. sigh. time to go back to the wii fit and the elliptical machine. Time to cook healthier food and eat more reliably.
yeah, right. all I really want to do is cuddle my cats, huddle under a blankie and read with my cup of tea and knitting nearby. Don't feel like being ambitious, don't feel like doing all the mounds of work that await me on all fronts. wish I could just stop working sometimes. I know I would miss it, and of course, cannot do without the wages. But sometimes I just feel like I need a vacation.
I use up my vacation time going to see my kids, mostly. But sometimes I feel like i should just take a week or two and clean my house. Then I could feel better about it. Instead of feeling nauseous when I look downstairs. How can a person accumulate this much stuff in 35 yrs of adulthood? I guess I didn't do it all myself though. I wonder what things would have been like if I had been all alone all that time? Doesn't bear thinking about except maybe for the lack of stuff part. The kids have dealt with a lot of their stuff, not all of it. Some of it is just there because I want it to still be there. Momentoes of the happiest time of my life. Worldly goods. sometimes I wonder how we get bound into this whole thing of working to acquire things and then having to work to deacquire them again. Strange folks are we.
okay really don't need to be going into all of this, Life and the meaning of it all, at 2 a.m. I am going to turn out the lights, turn off the computer and go to bed like a good girl. I have about 50 books calling my name. If I never took another one out, would I be done in a year? Again, personal failings. I wonder why I am interested in almost everything? why do I like learning? Why can't I absorb enough and why am I always looking for more?
I guess the basic me is still the basic me. I am probably no different than when I was five. today I was reading an article about thinskinned people, and how they are born that way and how some people would like to tell them to just get over themselves, that it isn't always about them. Maybe it is a product of only childness. but I have known people from assorted sized families being thin skinned also. I find my skin is getting thinner, both figuratively and literally. The joys of aging.
I think when you have a breakdown, even when you get over it, the cues are still there. The triggers still exist and I have a hard time with that. It doesn't take much to send me over that edge. I find the loss of control is not fun. I don't like feeling direspected and pushed around. I don't like being told what to do. I really resent people getting rid of things that I use without my sayso. I think that comes from a long history, starting with my parents having all their childhood things disposed of without any say. I was determined not to do that to my kids (hence the house full of stuff???). I find it very disrespectful to decide for someone else what they do or do not need and what they should and should not have.
okay my brain is still bleeding words out and it is now quarter past 2. time to stop thinking and go to bed with my book. and my fuzzy purring cats. Life is good. really, I mean that. parts of my life are indeed very good. So many things to be grateful for on a daily basis. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
posted by Diana @ 1:16 AM
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