well hell, I may as well try to post a gratitude for today.

number one, I am really glad I didn't hit the car that I somehow turned directly in front of tonight. I don't know if I just didn't see him. I was rather distracted by my mental thought processes about how therapy is going, or not going.  maybe he was going faster than I thought or maybe it was icy and I couldn't make the turn fast enough and he was suddenly there. anyway all I know is that one minute I was making a left turn and the next there was a guy heading straight for me as I drove straight across his path.  I am glad my tires and his, obviously, were good. we both slammed on our brakes and didn't  hit each  other.  I am sure he must have been screaming and swearing in his vehicle. assuming it was a guy.  I just buggered off as quickly as I could.

it was a day of spilling things, several times, going to therapy and feeling like it not only is not doing me any good, but I am perplexed by what I am supposed to be doing.   After five yrs of seeing the same person, I was cut off by Sask Health who has reduced waiting lists by deciding that the counsellors will solve each problem in precisely six visits. then the file is closed.   I have felt abandoned, adrift, unhappy in so many ways.  I started going to my efap program counsellor, who I don't particularly like.  I don't know what she wants of me.  I want her to help me, to teach me how to cope with the slings and arrows of life.  But I think she is just stuck on the idea that I am co-dependant and too scared to start my life over.   Not sure where our relationship is going. I dearly miss my previous counsellor, who knew all the backstory.  I have tried to get referred back to her, I would gladly take my six visits and then go back on the list.  but the intake worker says I am not in the right health division, which is true, we are just on the other side of the line.  I have called back, as that was just a message, but had to leave a message which they have not answered.  sigh.

okay okay back to gratitude for today: I am grateful for a kid who messages me back when I accidentally dial her phone/ just in case something is wrong.

I am grateful for fuzzy cats who purr and I know will cuddle up with me. even if nobody else does.

I am grateful that good books exist, finished a couple of great ones, yesterday and today.

I am grateful that I didn't hit that car.

I am grateful that even though I have aches and pains and am too fat and totally not fit, I can still get around and do what needs to be done. even when all I want to do is nothing.

I am grateful that I do still want to lie around and knit and read and drink tea because that is a lot better than being totally depressed and just lying there.

I am grateful that although my friends are all far away, they are still out there and still care for me.

I am grateful that I have good days, sunny days, and that winter will eventually pass.

I am grateful that i now feel the need to stop writing so can go and relax a bit before bed.  journal therapy, maybe it would work.