on being alone

Life is really funny, or maybe it is people who are strange. We always want what we cannot or do not have. When the kids were little, what I wouldn't have done for a free evening, a quiet evening to myself. Now, I came home directly from working, knowing there would be no one here. Some nights I am so hungry I can't wait to get home and eat, but tonight was not one of those nights. It is an acquacize night and I know that it is much nicer to eat closer to 6 than to 8, when it starts. So I managed to get home, get supper made by about 6:45 and then eat. Now I can digest in peace. So that was my motivation to getting home. But it is cold and windy out, a lousy night for going, as it is an outdoor pool. Sometimes you wonder about life, when it was nice out on acquacize nights, I was either home too late, felt too ill, or decided to do something else instead....now that it is almost over, and I have hardly gone, I would like to go, but the weather is not cooperative. I did go once, when it was yucky out, and managed to get wet before it thundered. I guess I will give it half hour and see if it is storming. It was so cold in the building at work, I went out at noon to warm up, but it wasn't warm outside. The radio says it was 20, which is room temp ,but that feels cold when there is a cool wind. And maybe we are just not used to that temp in Aug. In Sept that will feel pretty good.

So in the lovely twists of fate that life gives, I am home, but the weather is not condusive to a good time. Usually when the air is cool, the pool water feels warm, but it didn't last time. I assume it has spent all day leaching it's warmth into the cold breeze.....oh well, if it is not actually storming, I will likely go.

It felt really weird to come home and actually cook (read this as heat up) supper and then eat it in five min and then put it all away in case anyone wants some later. I suppose this is what the future will be like. I am trying to eat less processed foods, sort of. I still eat plenty of them. Even our plain foods are more or less processed. chemicals added to the meat and so on. I swear, I think I am going to have to start buying whole chickens and then using the meat for sandwiches or whatever. Maybe buying organic beef or bison and cooking roasts to make meat for sandwiches because I am pretty sure that sandwich meat is lethal. I know I can't say goodbye to pizza or ham or many other foods I enjoy. But I can try to eat less of them.

I was somehow sick last week, no idea where the virus or whatever came from. I was starting to think it was in my head, actually, until I heard someone else had it. waves of nausea...fatigue. that is it. I had decided it was an anxious reaction and therefore in my head. I really felt lethargic and unfocused. I decided either depression, menopause or diabetes...perhaps a combo of all of the above. All I knew is something was really wrong with me. But a few days ago, the nausea passed and I started to feel more normal again. So it was organic, I guess. I guess the hormones of perimenopause must be doing their thing, despite my decision to not go through menopause, out of sight, out of mind, etc. I have never been ruled by hormones, not ever, I had no "mushy brain" in pregnancy, that I know of, anyway. I felt really healthy and happy when I was pregnant. I had never heard of this till a few years ago, now I hear it mentioned in menopause books. I never had cramps or PMS or anything that ruled my life. I have always lived my life my own way, not giving in to the headaches of sinus/migraine, whatever it is. Pushing through, plowing on ahead. Control freak that I am, I have been reluctant to give in to my body.

Maybe I will have to do that. Who knows. I have been busy trying to keep from getting too fat. More exercise, less food, less bad food. I read the other day you shouldn't label food as good and bad, but really what choice do you have?

In my lifetime I have heard about counting calories, again good and bad ones. Also fibre, etc. I try to get enough but I am the first person to admit that the fibre I like probably has too much sugar....Sometimes I think middle age sucks.

I so get my mother now, I wish I could tell her. I wish I had the faith to believe that somehow she knows. She was pretty intuitive, hopefully she understood me better than I understood myself at the time. I get it now, of course, I see exactly what was in my head. I suppose it is inevitable to think like a young person when you are young. My parents tried their best, just as I have tried my best with my kids, but of course we all make mistakes. Lately I feel like I don't know who I am and what I am doing here. I mean, of course I know about my work, my family. I even believe I have purpose. I can identify that menopausal type women have ups and downs, moods, highs and lows, and maybe that is what is happening. After all some major life changes going on now. No matter how I think I feel about the empty nest, it is possible that I am submerging some major feelings here.

When I am alone like this, I guess my thoughts and feelings break through. No music, tv, books to numb or distract the brain. No work to shift the focus. Sometimes I Think I might be an adrenaline junkie, in spite of hating to be late, etc. People who cut things fine, don't have time for doubts, or other thoughts. You just get on with it. I try to squish as much as I can into my days. Even if that means hours of Coronation St. on tv. Sometimes I allow that. actually I am now caught up and the stupid Olympics pre-empt so I have no chance to even get more accumulated for now. I have only been caught up about three times in my life, two of them recently. Guess that shows you my life is getting slower, less in it. Part of me likes it this way, I feel tired, don't feel like talking to people, or doing anything new. Heck, I don't even want to do dishes tonight.

But when people call or whatever, at first I feel annoyed as they have interrupted my day. Imagine! The people I love best, the ones I pine for, and I feel momentarily annoyed at the interruption..? what is with that? I love interaction, I am really a social animal and yet I suppose the fact that I grew up in the middle of nowhere, in a small family, means that I am very used to occupying myself. I like my own company most of the time. Not lately of course, thinking too much. But I am easy to occupy. Didn't grow up with people all around, so I probably cope better than someone from a big family. But then haven't I spent about 25 yrs with people all around me? The matriarch. I don't feel ready to take my mother in law's place and no one has taken my mother's place. So I don't feel very matriarchal, yet in terms of my own kids, that is who I must be? right?

A lot of random thougts tonight. Think I am trying to figure myself out. Maybe I have always been trying to do that, all my life. Feels like it. There were the wife and mother years, I was pretty sure I knew who I was, community member, I didn't get many daughter years. I mean, I am still a daughter as long as dad is alive, but he doesn't use that relationship at all. We love each other, I am sure of that, and I know I enjoy his company. I suppose mum dying did something strange to that relationship. I wish my kids were closer to their dad. It cannot be that I repeated my mother's pattern of existence, but it does actually feel that way. I didn't marry a drinker, but I got one with his own problems, which created as much family stress as the drinking. And now I find myself in a similar situation. I hope it is a better one, but I don't know. I seem to remember that my parents enjoyed each other's company when they went out, they liked to eat and talk and laugh and read and travel. I suppose they would have remained friends? I don't know, if Mum had lived, she would have been out on her own, she was going to go to university and write and find herself, after a lifetime of being what other people wanted. I have to say that I have not necessarily done what other people wanted. I did what I wanted. I don't regret my decisions, not one. I am sure I could have done better though, in some ways. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. If you knew then what you know now and so on.

By and large, for the most part I am happy. Or at least I am fooling myself into thinking so. What is happiness anyway? No one can be completely happy all the time. I guess because I feel life is so finite, I don't want to waste any.

Time to go get changed, what am I thankful for today??? cars full of gas, good music on my CD's, audiobooks, cats, the ability to choose what I want to do, to eat, to wear, to be. We are lucky to live where we do, really. Except we spend too much time thinking and analyzing. If we were struggling to survive, I doubt we would self analyze. Maybe they had it better, our grandparents. Certainly in some ways, they did. Other things were worse for them. Again, no one has a perfect life. I think it is important to be thankful for the good stuff, get through the bad stuff and do the best you can, so that at the end of it, if you are lucky, you can realize that maybe you contributed something to the world while you were in it.

things that make me crazy

-people suggesting I need therapy
-people who say one thing and do another
-people who won't listen long enough to hear my point of view and/or who make me feel crazy enough to perhaps need therapy like they say I do....

sigh, I know that I do this blog as a form of therapy and perhaps just keeping a word doc would make more sense.

I can understand that my inlaws are aging, and as such, are more likely to say one thing and do another or to believe things were the way they think they were. After all, I probably do exactly the same thing. My kids would likely feel the exact same way about us. There is something about memory that has a filter or something on it. Just as we see what we expect to see, perhaps we remember what we choose to remember, or perhaps the way we would prefer to remember it?

And I also understand that my kid, my husband and my mother in law are all cut from the same cloth and as such, are not predisposed to understand my point of view. I love them and understand that we can't always agree, but it is sometimes difficult to reconcile the fact that I need to communicate in a different way than they want. Actually I think they would be totally content if I didn't communicate at all.

I do know that I talk too much. Anyone who reads this, probably gets that. I read about a woman who has some kind of sickness where she has to write things down all the time, I mean, in the shower, whatever, on herself, the walls, etc. She just has to keep writing. Sometimes I feel that I am like that in the talking field. Sometimes I Feel I can't get all the words out in time. Sometimes I feel like if people don't hear what I have to say, I will feel so frustrated. I live with these people who believe in keeping their mouth shut, bottling up everything inside, that no good ever came of telling people what you think. My inlaws secret for a happy marriage is unanimously"keep your mouth shut". So how did I wind up marrying this man???? For a time, I allowed him to open up and share his feelings. I Think I was good for him. But since his nervous breakdown and the years following, he has regressed. Sometimes to the point that he maybe goes for days without talking to me. I used to think the reason why we had such a good marriage was that we had such good communication. Now we can't seem to communicate at all. I know that many women have good women friends for this reason, so they can talk and don't even bother trying to communicate with the man because they don't get it. I have done bags of research, I totally understand that women need to vent sometimes for the sake of venting, they don't really want the man to rush in and fix the problem. The man gets frustrated because all he wants to do is solve the problem. or he thinks that is what the woman wants and gets frustrated when she doesn't take advice. I understand my daughters point of view that venting is bad and leads to more bad feelings etc. This is also true. It depends on the kind of venting. Some venting is like gossip and feeds on negativity and I have been trying to wean myself away from that type of thing but I suspect it is part of my life. Somehow learned in childhood, I don't know from whom as my mother was not a complainer and neither was my dad. My mother's motto "never complain, never explain". I get it, I do, so why do I find myself thinking of multiple explanations (eg. on the way to work when I am late, when no one ever asks why, or seems to care) I seem driven to multiple apologies to my family, multiple explanations for my failings. I suppose this is what you get for being an only. Sometimes it really is all about you. Or perhaps I only think so.

I am suspecting that some of my sensitivity is down to being menopausal age. The other day I actually cried after my mother in law and daughter made a small disapproving comment about something I innocently said. The fact that two days later i am still obsessing about it, does say something about me. My husband tells me to let things go, my daughter tells me that is the only way to be happy. They have had therapy, I suppose they know this to be true. Part of me knows it too. For me, the venting is part of the letting go. That is why I find this blog so helpful. Hopefully today when I log off, I will have vented my frustration in not being able to explain myself to them and get rid of the need to do so. I love my daughter like crazy and find myself very sad that tommorrow she will be gone, not to return for a year. We usually try to just enjoy each others company but sometimes after a phone call or a visit I find myself dwelling on the negatives. I really don't feel like we connect as I would like us to. Maybe too much bad stuff happened when she was a teenager. When I was a teenager, I cut myself off from my father, and have only now, in middle-age, got to a point where we relate and get along. And we do get along, I think we have many similarities. My son is a lot like me. I seem to understand him really well.

How odd, we take a child, try our best, shake and stir and see what comes out years later. My parents were flawed, tried their best and for the most part, I thought I turned out okay. My marriage is flawed, but we tried our best to raise the kids and for the most part, I think they turned out okay too. The human condition I guess.

I am a person who thinks that she tries to see the bright side, but often doesn't. Or at least, I think I have never quite made my mind up about the glass half full or half empty. Somedays I see it one way, other days, the other way. I believe in positivity, I really do. I think it is the only way to be happy. I do agree with my daughter that you effect your own happiness. I know that only we can control how we accept the world, change, our life.

Last night, after the kids left and I went for a walk with the man, we had an argument about walking in the dark and whether it was dark out yet. Sometimes I cannot believe a person could even have this argument. Sometimes I wonder who replaced my husband with an old man. Sometimes I feel like an old woman. Weird, middle age is weird. I cannot believe that at 9 p.m. in the summer my husband would refuse to go for a walk because it is too dark out. We met one car and that was the basis for why it is bad to go walking when it is dark. arrrrghggh. A therapist would likely tell me that this argument was really about something else. I wonder what it was really about.

Sometimes I Think we are so similar and other times so different. We stay together for convenience and truth be told, I like that. I like that I can still come along and be part of his families celebrations, that our children can visit us together, that we can plan for their visit together. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I guess it is normal to be full of doubts, as none of us is perfect. We are all flawed and doing the best we can.

The fact that I am doing this when I should be getting ready to go off and join my kids for the last day of the holiday must mean something. I think it worked though, my heart feels lighter. my husband has gone off to the birthday party of his gay friends. I like them too, but in my opinion, family trumps friends. On the other hand, the other day I was thinking how we all need a bit of space sometimes. The whole family time thing gets oppressive sometimes. Not usually to me, but I know my daughter needs her space. So last night the kids went off to do their own thing and I think that was good. I hope she goes home having had a decent vacation, ready to go back to work and her real life.

I am grateful that I have kids who seem more or less happy and well adjusted in their worlds. Depression, diabetes, heart disease, that is what we have left them for a health legacy, but they are so much more informed, healthier eaters, more aware of mental health. I hope this generation is more together than ours was.

Today I am grateful for great summer weather, kids I love and who I think love me. I am grateful for the ability to drive and great music to drive to. I am grateful for a new haircut (first time in my life I could say that) and some holiday time. I am grateful to have a certain amount of freedom in my life, to do and say as I choose. Life, for the most part, is good. Peace out.