good day

Well, I finally did it. It has taken me all the way from Easter till now, but I finally found a day I could go and visit my 88 year old Grandmother. Sounds terrible that I couldn't manage it till now but a certain set of circumstances has to happen. First of all, my daughter always wants to come. This means it has to happen on a weekend. From Easter till the first weekend in June, I worked almost every weekend. Then on June 4, I got as far as my Dad's, but I was SOOO tired from everything that had happened the day before, that I just felt I could never drive 2 1/2 hrs each way. I felt it was hard enough to get to Dad's that day. Then I worked more weekends, and then there was Cait coming home. Of course the weekends I had off then we did family things with our daughter before she left again. I was feeling pretty hopeful for a sunday in August, then Bron started working, and of course she works on Sundays. Naturally, I don't work on Sundays in the summer. I miss the wages (we are closed Sundays in summer) but sometimes it is really nice to know you have at least one day off a week. Oh the joys of working two part time jobs. I just know one full time job would be easier. Although sometimes I appreciate the time I have off during the week, such as Monday afternoon...

Anyway last weekend was a wash out; it was the long weekend, but I worked Saturday, Bron worked Sunday and DAvid had plans for Monday. So I caught up on housework and pottered around on Sunday and MOnday. It was kind of nice actually. I can't recall a time when I have not had a huge list of things that must be done or things to prepare for, etc. Of course there was laundry and so forth to do, but I just poked around and did stuff as I felt like it. It was somehow relaxing. Need to do more of that....

So that meant this was a short week. I didn't feel as exhausted as I did last Friday, that is for sure. I went to bed around midnight which is early for a Friday (although last week I went to sleep at 10 p.m. I was so exhausted and had to work the next day...) I had a good nights sleep, so driving was not an issue today. Instead of planning ahead and then kind of dreading it, I went to bed last night with a range of possibilities for the day roaming around in my head. Then I woke up this a.m. and thought, let's go. Didn't want to do more housework, although there is lots here to do, as always. Felt like getting out of the house, so called Dad and woke up Bron and called the home to see how Grandma was. Of course it still took three hours from the time I woke up till the time we actually made it to Dad's to pick him up.....got to Grandma's at 3, which seems to be when we get there, no matter how hard we try. But we visited till about 7 or 7:30, which was plenty for her as they go to bed at 8, I guess. I think that was enough for one day for all of us and then we went for supper before we came home. We couldn't decide what to eat, drove past one service road, turned and came up the other side, finally picked a family type restaurant (the only decision we made was that none of us felt like pizza) but missed the turn off, missed the turn off for the next one also, so drove up to a mall and found a restaurant there. I had a beef dip which I enjoyed thoroughly, but my stomach made some interesting noises on the way back, and I was glad to stop for gas and a bathroom at MJ. Must be the grease or the gravy. None of us can seem to t0lerate much grease anymore. I suppose because we don't use much fat in our daily diet. Sure makes you wonder where this lard that has attached itself to my body has come from. Processed food I guess. Today I had a bowl of raisin bran and five cherries and a glass of oj before we left. Dad brought along some sandwiches, so I had a roast beef sandwich for lunch. Then for supper I had a beef dip sandwich, with fries and gravy and cole slaw....Can you tell we are out of beef at home? Have been eating chicken, fish and pork all summer with the odd beef burger when we can. I really miss roast beef and steak. Thoroughly enjoyed my supper but obviously something didn't quite agree with me...Would have been fairly healthy except for the fries and gravy. I don't have them often, felt like a treat. This whole middleaged thing seems to be pre-occupied with the body. When Mum was in her forties, I thought she was obsessed with her looks and that she should get over it because she was old. What I didn't realize is what it is like. I mean, all my teenage and young adult life, I hardly used any lotions or anything, my nails, skin and hair were just fine, a bit oily but fairly decent. I think I was one of those people who glowed when pregnant. I never noticed anything until I was almost forty, when my hair started to go funny. I thought it was from wearing my hair in a pony tail for so long, breaking it off, so I stopped. Well, I have been wearing it loose for about 8 years now, and it is still funny. Thinner, sticks up wherever it likes, doesn't ever look like I brush it. Imbetween that and my choice of cotton clothes, it always looks like I just got up. I have decided to accept it. I will always be the rumpled looking lady.

Seems like once you turn forty, your body starts to go in all those little ways. None of it is earth shattering, but you feel kind of sad about it going. I suppose when you are 88 like my grandmother, it seems like nothing, but I can recall my mother and now I completely understand. You wake up and go, "where the !@#$%^ did this come from???? or where the !@#$% did that go? You start to feel betrayed by your body, how dare it start to fall apart! I wish my mother had not died at 47, for many obvious reasons. I do wonder what she would be like now. With my in-laws and Dad at 70, they mostly seem the same as always, a bit creakier and so on, but none of them are complainers so you never really know how they are doing. I noticed today that Dad was leaning on Grandma's walker, I think just to see the photos that were on the board above it, but then I had this sudden realization that someday, he might need one. I used to think 70 was old, but of course, I was younger. Heck, I used to think 45 was pretty ancient. Now I think about Mum being 47, and wonder what it would have been like, now that we would be about the same age, if I could talk to the person she was then, as the person I am now. Completely impossible of course, if she was alive today she would be in her late sixties. I always think of her with her reddish hair in a bun, would she wear it the same now, only white? Or would she have gone the way of most old ladies, with the curly hair? Or some other style? A few of my friends went blonde after they went gray and I find it disturbing. They don't have the skin tone for blonde. Having never colored my hair, I always thought I would just embrace the gray. Having seen some long haired gray heads in braids or whatever, maybe that would suit me too? Although I do wonder what it would be like to be a redhead for awhile. You never know, I am not ruling it out.

Bron has interesting hair right now. Her natural hair is brown, she had dyed it black and so the ends were black and the middle sort of black and brown mixed as it grew out. So she dyed it blonde and I was dreading that, but it seems to have turned a nice strawberry, reddish blonde, which suits her, with the ends darker than the top. Looks cute. My kids have dyed their hairs so many times, and I have never done anything except the lemon juice highlights when I was a teenager. Funny how times change. I still feel like my inner hippie is trying to get out. By day, I am the rumpled, middle-aged librarian type. At night, substitute housewife for librarian type. But inside nyself, I still love beads and indian skirts and long flowy gauzy things. I would likely look ridiculous. I know the skirts encourage that " potato sack tied in middle" look that I seem to have. I do wear leather sandals most of the year, though. Lucky so many of us baby boomers have feet that need babying. Today has been a day of new years resolutions.

I keep having them today:
1. I resolve to try to keep in better contact with friends and family. It was a good day today. These things are more important than housework or anything else, yet we assign so much importance to those chores...I heard from a friend yesterday that I hardly ever hear from, maybe once every two years or so. We met up this spring and resolved to call each other. She told me she would and the other day, she did. Of course I was not home, but I called back when I was. We had a quick chat and that was that. It was lovely. I resolve to call people more, so that instead of talking for hours and hours once a year, we can manage a shorter call and still get to find out how we all are, etc.

Anyway wish me luck on this, hasn't happened yet.

2. I resolve to tackle some of my backlog and get things done around here. It is really hard, with working shift work. I get so tired that at the end of the day, I don't want to do anymore work and so things slide. I am going to try to plan better and cope with things. I really can't stand how we live right now.

3. eat healthier. We are completely out of fruits and veg right now. I hardly cook. The other night, got home after 7, heated up some junk from the freezer and some three day old leftovers. Wow that was healthy. ...NOT. It is not like I hate healthy food, you just have to plan better.

4. I think I Had more resolutions earlier in the day, but of course one of them is to quit boring y ou to tears and go to bed . I was heading there when I just stopped at the computer. everyone else ws in bed, so it tempted me.

We got home at 11:30. When we left Dad's at 11, I told Bron I wouldn't talk all the way home, she laughed hysterically of course, knowing I was incapable. She was right. I mean, I started talking at 11:15 a.m. when we left here, and it was pretty much continuous except for a couple of bathroom visits until we got back. I can hardly believe it. and only a couple cups of tea and slurps of water to help the old throat. I come from a talking family, so no surprise, but I think I even surprise my aunties how much I can talk. It really is a defect. I realize people don't like it, but I can't help it. For years I have tried to talk less, but the words just flow out, they bleed out like blood, they bubble out like from a spring. When people say things, I am constantly reminded of other things that fit along with that. Maybe I have a good memory for things, because that always seems the case. I read about something I have never heard of before, where a lady has to keep writing. If she runs out of paper and pen, she writes on herself, the walls, her clothes, whatever. She can't help herself. I forget what the disease is called, but it made me wonder. My son bleeds words out in his blog and I am no different. When I first started reading his blog, I had instant sympathy for all my friends whom I email. I feel so sorry for you, having to read all that. Now I know what it is like. I mean, I sat down to write a few sentences about going to see my Grandmother today and I have no idea how long this post is, but it is too long. I have only been typing about half an hour, but it is too darn long for comfort. My brain just rambles, when it should be wanting to sleep. I realize that this blog is mostly for my own venting needs, not providing any kind of information to family or any other thing. I find it is very nice to have, like a diary, but somehow better than a diary. i do have qualms about cluttering up the net, but I know there are millions of us who do, so I guess I will try not to feel too guilty about it.

Today's thankful thing: I am thankful that my Dad became a person I could be close to, and enjoy spending time with. That was not the case when Mum was alive. I hate that I had to lose Mum to gain DAd, but I am very grateful that he is alive and relatively well and that we seem to enjoy spending time together. We have a decent relationship in his senior years and I hope he stays well etc. for ages yet. I live in dread of the day when he or my in-laws are on the phone and something is not right. I wish we could all just carry on as we are for years and years. My logical mind knows this will not be the case. But my emotional self just wants to forget the logical part of it. I will happily deceive myself for now and enjoy every day I get with the people that I love. I wish Bruce would wake up and realize how lucky he is. Spend a day in an old folks home if you want to be grateful for the life you have. I am not sure that we are doing them a favour with our modern medicine. This time, there was many many more who could no longer feed themselves or fall prey to Alziemers. It distresses my grandmother no end that some of her friends are getting it, and they know they are getting it. We all live in fear of it. To live on in your body, when your mind is no longer you. Terror. We were wondering what goes on in their minds. Maybe they know what is going on but are powerless to do anything about it. I have heard that being in a coma is like that, that you can hear and everything but not respond. Scary stuff.

Definately grateful today for my life and every day that I can spend in my normal dull predictable way. I have been wanting to slow down and try to run the rat race less, but I don't know how to do that. I think we lived better years ago, playing cards and visitng and spending more time with the people we loved. Today I feel all I do is work and run around and fall over and do the same again the next day. We definately need to take more time to stop and smell the ? not roses, not coffee, but something.

I wish I could ask my mother a million questions. I wish I would remember to ask Dad stuff without getting sidetracked. I like taking DAd out on a drive as we seem to cover old memories and things that we don't talk about in every day visits. I am grateful for that today too.

I am grateful that we are all safe at home now (I am assuming Cait is too). There were a lot of crazy drivers out there today, even DAd noticed. I am not goign to rant on about that today, though. Time for bed for sure. I will leave you now, with a thought to appreciate your elders. D.

just a few minutes

WEll my daughter "got" me a few minutes ago. About half an hour ago, she left for her very first paying job. All of a sudden a few minutes ago, she came back in the door, saying she had been fired! I guess I had quite a look on my face. I mean, that would be about five minutes of her actually being at the job...But it's okay, the boss just told her the wrong day to come, must have meant tommorrow...So anyway she says now her butterflies are gone at least.....

So now we have to breathe a few big deep breaths and carry on with the day. The boy went to the dr. yesterday, but I don't know if I feel any better.....She gave him the same "zantac" type pills that she gave Bronwyn. I guess she is the dr. and is supposed to be right. Maybe they both have nervous stomachs or something. He has had a rough spring/summer emotionally, so maybe that is what it is that is keeping him asleep all day and hardly eating anything and feeling icky. I thought it was a virus....I know the kids all tease me about West NIle, but the symptoms are flu-like and he had a lot of the symptoms. There is also Mono going around and I know that he is run down. My mother told me that is how you get it, from being really run down. I remember when Bruce had it. I suppose David's feverish episode a couple weeks ago could have been heatstroke as we originally thought and this that he has now isn't related? Anyway, the dr. says to keep away from the greasy and spicy foods for a couple of weeks, so hopefully we will have him back in shape for school...I just find it odd that both kids would get the same meds. Almost a year apart, mind you. I suppose it is not unrealistic for them to bothhave nervous stomachs, as B's family has those type of problems. I have always figured our kids should look out for heart disease, diabetes and depression and those things seem to be on both sides of our family. I think every family has their problems.

I ran into an old friend the other day, she works in the walmart that I mostly shop at, but strangely enough we don't often run into each other. So she invited me home for supper and we had a great visit (after the usual, we keep meaning to keep in touch speeches)(which we always mean most heartfeltedly--it seems ridiculous that we work on the same street, maybe a mile apart, and never see each other--last time she popped into my workplace was probably nine months ago....) Given that our husbands were work partners for years and that our kids went to the same schools as preschoolers and high schoolers, and we all get along, it does seem ridiculous that we don't get together more. Especially as our kids are big, we are not running around after them anymore. A person is so used to just sliding into routine behavior, (eg. come home, eat, fall over, go to bed, get up, go to work, repeat...) that we don't often break the pattern without great effort. Last night I went to aquacizes here after supper. First time this summer. I missed the whole month of July, mostly because Cait was home, and some work commitments, but also worried about my foot. But I have been getting so fat, and everything hurts when you sit too much, I feel so creaky etc. that I just have to start moving again. 6 weeks of zero exercise has taken a bigger toll than I thought. You don't think you are doing anything but then you stop, and you can tell that whatever little bit you did was helpful because it all disappears mighty fast. I still have arm muscles though, I notice, from heaving around boxes of books etc. Some days I feel like a pack horse. Most days actually.

It was hard to get going, and the weather was very windy and almost chilly; usually the water feels so good in summer, but it was cold to get in. I was fine after we got going though. It was funny, the girl who led the exercises is a year older than my youngest, and surprisingly,she knew who I was. I don't think she worked there last year, and I suppose it is not unreasonable that she would recognize me, as being Bron's mum, but I was surprised she knew my name.....Anyway she did a decent job of it, I learned some new stuff and had a good time. It was strange, there were only four of us, and I knew none of them. I guess if they don't use the library, then I don't know who they are....It is a far cry from the day when I knew the whole school, or most of the community and surrounding ones, in Carievale. Here, I only got to know people who had to do with my kids. And now they are big, you don't get involved with other parents etc, in groups anymore. I think that is one reason why churches are good, they provide community in a time when communities are dissolving or morphing into something bigger.

I suppose I had better get ready for work, usually on my morning off I have so much to do the time just flies. Today I did mostly the same things but it feels like it is crawling. Maybe because I have a big thing on at work this aft that I am concerned about. So much to do there. Anyway I will be glad when the afternoon is over.

Let's see, what am I thankful for today? Small towns where my daughter can walk to work. Swimming Pools. Fresh Fruits and garden vegetables (wish I had some, the store stuff just "doesn't taste" in the words of my German grandmother). I am thankful for lovely summer, when I was a kid I got to go stay with my grandparents for a week each and when a pool was built there, I got swimming lessons. two of my favorite things, Grandparents and swimming. definately thankful for those. Bron just home from a week vacation with the grands. I think she had a blast. I don't think they were very happy as her stomach was acting up, but she seems fine. I am very grateful my kids have had a chance to know their grandparents and spend time with them on a fairly regular basis. Have a peaceful day, D.