well hell, I may as well try to post a gratitude for today.

number one, I am really glad I didn't hit the car that I somehow turned directly in front of tonight. I don't know if I just didn't see him. I was rather distracted by my mental thought processes about how therapy is going, or not going.  maybe he was going faster than I thought or maybe it was icy and I couldn't make the turn fast enough and he was suddenly there. anyway all I know is that one minute I was making a left turn and the next there was a guy heading straight for me as I drove straight across his path.  I am glad my tires and his, obviously, were good. we both slammed on our brakes and didn't  hit each  other.  I am sure he must have been screaming and swearing in his vehicle. assuming it was a guy.  I just buggered off as quickly as I could.

it was a day of spilling things, several times, going to therapy and feeling like it not only is not doing me any good, but I am perplexed by what I am supposed to be doing.   After five yrs of seeing the same person, I was cut off by Sask Health who has reduced waiting lists by deciding that the counsellors will solve each problem in precisely six visits. then the file is closed.   I have felt abandoned, adrift, unhappy in so many ways.  I started going to my efap program counsellor, who I don't particularly like.  I don't know what she wants of me.  I want her to help me, to teach me how to cope with the slings and arrows of life.  But I think she is just stuck on the idea that I am co-dependant and too scared to start my life over.   Not sure where our relationship is going. I dearly miss my previous counsellor, who knew all the backstory.  I have tried to get referred back to her, I would gladly take my six visits and then go back on the list.  but the intake worker says I am not in the right health division, which is true, we are just on the other side of the line.  I have called back, as that was just a message, but had to leave a message which they have not answered.  sigh.

okay okay back to gratitude for today: I am grateful for a kid who messages me back when I accidentally dial her phone/ just in case something is wrong.

I am grateful for fuzzy cats who purr and I know will cuddle up with me. even if nobody else does.

I am grateful that good books exist, finished a couple of great ones, yesterday and today.

I am grateful that I didn't hit that car.

I am grateful that even though I have aches and pains and am too fat and totally not fit, I can still get around and do what needs to be done. even when all I want to do is nothing.

I am grateful that I do still want to lie around and knit and read and drink tea because that is a lot better than being totally depressed and just lying there.

I am grateful that although my friends are all far away, they are still out there and still care for me.

I am grateful that I have good days, sunny days, and that winter will eventually pass.

I am grateful that i now feel the need to stop writing so can go and relax a bit before bed.  journal therapy, maybe it would work.

HOLY CRAP! I decide to find my blog again, after all, it has been two years since i last posted, four years since i actually posted regularly. hmmm.  when I go back to re-read the last post, I wonder if I have changed AT ALL!

wow! another two years has gone by! where does the time go?

I haven't thought about this blog for a long time. I guess facebook fulfills my need to talk to strangers, or even friends in a limited way.  That and going to therapy.....

If I hadn't just been noticing an entry from someone's blogger post on facebook, I wouldn't have even thought of clicking on here and having a peek at my old blog.

now it seems that someone looked at it  a few days ago. hmm, I wonder who happened upon it. I would guess that a lot of people use the same title for their blogs or facebook or whatever. I still feel it sums up my life sometimes.

I find that mostly I am happy, but that sometimes I am depressed. Then I try to think of all the problems there are in the world and how my few problems seem very petty in comparison.  The gratitude journaling would work if I kept it up.

Tonight I am grateful for fuzzy socks, Christmas trees, lights, blankies, cups of tea in reindeer cups, a fridge full of leftovers and two warm and fuzzy cats that will soon be keeping me warm in my bed.   It is 2 a.m. and I know I have to go to bed. I wish I knew why I continually do this to myself. I guess it is my nature. more a night person than a morning person, although I do love mornings too, but only if I get enough sleep, which I rarely do.  Sabotage, personal sabotage. I know better, but I guess I am only human. We all go around this time of year thinking of all the failings that we have and how we need to address them.

actually I do that all through the year. No point making resolutions that you will only break in a week or two. I just keep plodding, or should I say, just keep swimming....

Actually I wish I could swim all the time. I don't hate exercise. I just hate finding time for it. And I hate freezing wet hair in winter. sigh. time to go back to the wii fit and the elliptical machine. Time to cook healthier food and eat more reliably.

yeah, right. all I really want to do is cuddle my cats, huddle under a blankie and read with my cup of tea and knitting nearby. Don't feel like being ambitious, don't feel like doing all the mounds of work that await me on all fronts. wish I could just stop working sometimes. I know I would miss it, and of course, cannot do without the wages. But sometimes I just feel like I need a vacation.

I use up my vacation time going to see my kids, mostly. But sometimes I feel like i should just take a week or two and clean my house. Then I could feel better about it. Instead of feeling nauseous when I look downstairs. How can a person accumulate this much stuff in 35 yrs of adulthood? I guess I didn't do it all myself though. I wonder what things would have been like if I had been all alone all that time? Doesn't bear thinking about except maybe for the lack of stuff part.  The kids have dealt with a lot of their stuff, not all of it. Some of it is just there because I want it to still be there. Momentoes of the happiest time of my life. Worldly goods. sometimes I wonder how we get bound into this whole thing of working to acquire things and then having to work to deacquire them again. Strange folks are we.

okay really don't need to be going into all of this, Life and the meaning of it all, at 2 a.m.  I am going to turn out the lights, turn off the computer and go to bed like a good girl. I have about 50 books calling  my name. If I never took another one out, would I be done in a year? Again, personal failings. I wonder why I am interested in almost everything? why do I like learning? Why can't I absorb enough and why am I always looking for more?

I guess the basic me is still the basic me. I am probably no different than when I was five. today I was reading an article about thinskinned people, and how they are born that way and how some people would like to tell them to just get over themselves, that it isn't always about them.  Maybe it is a product of only childness.  but I have known people from assorted sized families being thin skinned also. I find my skin is getting thinner, both figuratively and literally.  The joys of aging.

I think when you have a breakdown, even when you get over it, the cues are still there. The triggers still exist and I have a hard time with that. It doesn't take much to send me over that edge. I find the loss of control is not fun. I don't like feeling direspected and pushed around. I don't like being told what to do. I really resent people getting rid of things that I use without my sayso. I think that comes from a long history, starting with my parents having all their childhood things disposed of without any say. I was determined not to do that to my kids (hence the house full of stuff???). I find it very disrespectful to decide for someone else what they do or do not need and what they should and should not have.

okay my brain is still bleeding words out and it is now quarter past 2. time to stop thinking and go to bed with my book. and my fuzzy purring cats.  Life is good. really, I mean that. parts of my life are indeed very good. So many things to be grateful for on a daily basis. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

the gratitude project

today I noticed someone on facebook decided to start a gratitude project. Seeing as I used to do that here, I thought I might continue as I try to become a less negative person. Sometimes I think I possibly have always been negative, since teenagerhood, anyway. But I used to think of myself as more of an optimist than a pessimist, and I know that has changed, somewhat. I guess it depends what it is in reference to. I mean, sometimes the glass IS half full and sometimes it's half empty...

okay, things I am grateful for today:
ancient cats that are not yet dead...
massage therapists, although I miss my own and wish she would recover faster.
asian food/ spices/ onions, garlic, ginger
microwaves
sunshine!
the internet which connects me to my family even though we are not close in distance or time..
waterbeds

(okay I am at home, warm, full and tired and the cat is still alive, yay!)
I am also grateful for neighbours, small towns, and cars that get good gas mileage
I am grateful for health professionals that try their best, in what must be a frustrating work environment as we have fewer medical people to tend the people who need to be tended in our province.

I am thankful for small city ER's and dr's that are known by the first name.
I am thankful for knowledgeable pharmacists and helpful para professionals in many walks of life..(am I one of those? perhaps? it is all in how you look at it....)
I am thankful for all the people with whom I interact in order to do my job properly. For one cranky man, there are many many wonderful people.

As I find myself getting easily irritated and grumpy these days, I have to remember that grumpy people can be in pain, either emotional or physical, which definately can effect the mood...some cranky people are just out to crucify the first person they come across and maybe that is you. There are many reasons to be cranky, not enough sleep, low blood sugar, heredity....(ha ha)

So maybe for tonight I will end off with a thought for cranky people, many of whom are middle aged, like myself. Give us a break, tommorrow it could be you....!

wow! two years!

wow, two years have gone by since I posted on here. I guess as therapy, it was sort of working, but it is better to go to an actual human therapist. Although I miss the gratitude journalling. Might have to get back to that. Some days I am so depressed it is hard to figure out what I am grateful for, and yet part of my brain knows that is ridiculous. I have the same things to be grateful for as always, which makes feeling depressed even more ridiculous. Who would feel depressed when they have such a lot going for them? Good job, amazing kids, sturdy house, good car, people who love me. What more does a person want?

This middle age thing has thrown me for a loop. The kids will all be moving out in a few days and I hate to see them go, even though I welcome the reclamation of space in the house. But what is a tidier house compared to the life and exuberation they bring to my life?

I don't want to ponder on all this today. It is a gorgeous day and I am going to get outside for a quick walk before I get on with my workday. I would not have even remembered this blog if I had not decided to check on Krysta's blog. I guess you can tell that facebook has supplanted the blog in my desire to vent my feelings to the world. crazy woman. should have been an author.

on being alone

Life is really funny, or maybe it is people who are strange. We always want what we cannot or do not have. When the kids were little, what I wouldn't have done for a free evening, a quiet evening to myself. Now, I came home directly from working, knowing there would be no one here. Some nights I am so hungry I can't wait to get home and eat, but tonight was not one of those nights. It is an acquacize night and I know that it is much nicer to eat closer to 6 than to 8, when it starts. So I managed to get home, get supper made by about 6:45 and then eat. Now I can digest in peace. So that was my motivation to getting home. But it is cold and windy out, a lousy night for going, as it is an outdoor pool. Sometimes you wonder about life, when it was nice out on acquacize nights, I was either home too late, felt too ill, or decided to do something else instead....now that it is almost over, and I have hardly gone, I would like to go, but the weather is not cooperative. I did go once, when it was yucky out, and managed to get wet before it thundered. I guess I will give it half hour and see if it is storming. It was so cold in the building at work, I went out at noon to warm up, but it wasn't warm outside. The radio says it was 20, which is room temp ,but that feels cold when there is a cool wind. And maybe we are just not used to that temp in Aug. In Sept that will feel pretty good.

So in the lovely twists of fate that life gives, I am home, but the weather is not condusive to a good time. Usually when the air is cool, the pool water feels warm, but it didn't last time. I assume it has spent all day leaching it's warmth into the cold breeze.....oh well, if it is not actually storming, I will likely go.

It felt really weird to come home and actually cook (read this as heat up) supper and then eat it in five min and then put it all away in case anyone wants some later. I suppose this is what the future will be like. I am trying to eat less processed foods, sort of. I still eat plenty of them. Even our plain foods are more or less processed. chemicals added to the meat and so on. I swear, I think I am going to have to start buying whole chickens and then using the meat for sandwiches or whatever. Maybe buying organic beef or bison and cooking roasts to make meat for sandwiches because I am pretty sure that sandwich meat is lethal. I know I can't say goodbye to pizza or ham or many other foods I enjoy. But I can try to eat less of them.

I was somehow sick last week, no idea where the virus or whatever came from. I was starting to think it was in my head, actually, until I heard someone else had it. waves of nausea...fatigue. that is it. I had decided it was an anxious reaction and therefore in my head. I really felt lethargic and unfocused. I decided either depression, menopause or diabetes...perhaps a combo of all of the above. All I knew is something was really wrong with me. But a few days ago, the nausea passed and I started to feel more normal again. So it was organic, I guess. I guess the hormones of perimenopause must be doing their thing, despite my decision to not go through menopause, out of sight, out of mind, etc. I have never been ruled by hormones, not ever, I had no "mushy brain" in pregnancy, that I know of, anyway. I felt really healthy and happy when I was pregnant. I had never heard of this till a few years ago, now I hear it mentioned in menopause books. I never had cramps or PMS or anything that ruled my life. I have always lived my life my own way, not giving in to the headaches of sinus/migraine, whatever it is. Pushing through, plowing on ahead. Control freak that I am, I have been reluctant to give in to my body.

Maybe I will have to do that. Who knows. I have been busy trying to keep from getting too fat. More exercise, less food, less bad food. I read the other day you shouldn't label food as good and bad, but really what choice do you have?

In my lifetime I have heard about counting calories, again good and bad ones. Also fibre, etc. I try to get enough but I am the first person to admit that the fibre I like probably has too much sugar....Sometimes I think middle age sucks.

I so get my mother now, I wish I could tell her. I wish I had the faith to believe that somehow she knows. She was pretty intuitive, hopefully she understood me better than I understood myself at the time. I get it now, of course, I see exactly what was in my head. I suppose it is inevitable to think like a young person when you are young. My parents tried their best, just as I have tried my best with my kids, but of course we all make mistakes. Lately I feel like I don't know who I am and what I am doing here. I mean, of course I know about my work, my family. I even believe I have purpose. I can identify that menopausal type women have ups and downs, moods, highs and lows, and maybe that is what is happening. After all some major life changes going on now. No matter how I think I feel about the empty nest, it is possible that I am submerging some major feelings here.

When I am alone like this, I guess my thoughts and feelings break through. No music, tv, books to numb or distract the brain. No work to shift the focus. Sometimes I Think I might be an adrenaline junkie, in spite of hating to be late, etc. People who cut things fine, don't have time for doubts, or other thoughts. You just get on with it. I try to squish as much as I can into my days. Even if that means hours of Coronation St. on tv. Sometimes I allow that. actually I am now caught up and the stupid Olympics pre-empt so I have no chance to even get more accumulated for now. I have only been caught up about three times in my life, two of them recently. Guess that shows you my life is getting slower, less in it. Part of me likes it this way, I feel tired, don't feel like talking to people, or doing anything new. Heck, I don't even want to do dishes tonight.

But when people call or whatever, at first I feel annoyed as they have interrupted my day. Imagine! The people I love best, the ones I pine for, and I feel momentarily annoyed at the interruption..? what is with that? I love interaction, I am really a social animal and yet I suppose the fact that I grew up in the middle of nowhere, in a small family, means that I am very used to occupying myself. I like my own company most of the time. Not lately of course, thinking too much. But I am easy to occupy. Didn't grow up with people all around, so I probably cope better than someone from a big family. But then haven't I spent about 25 yrs with people all around me? The matriarch. I don't feel ready to take my mother in law's place and no one has taken my mother's place. So I don't feel very matriarchal, yet in terms of my own kids, that is who I must be? right?

A lot of random thougts tonight. Think I am trying to figure myself out. Maybe I have always been trying to do that, all my life. Feels like it. There were the wife and mother years, I was pretty sure I knew who I was, community member, I didn't get many daughter years. I mean, I am still a daughter as long as dad is alive, but he doesn't use that relationship at all. We love each other, I am sure of that, and I know I enjoy his company. I suppose mum dying did something strange to that relationship. I wish my kids were closer to their dad. It cannot be that I repeated my mother's pattern of existence, but it does actually feel that way. I didn't marry a drinker, but I got one with his own problems, which created as much family stress as the drinking. And now I find myself in a similar situation. I hope it is a better one, but I don't know. I seem to remember that my parents enjoyed each other's company when they went out, they liked to eat and talk and laugh and read and travel. I suppose they would have remained friends? I don't know, if Mum had lived, she would have been out on her own, she was going to go to university and write and find herself, after a lifetime of being what other people wanted. I have to say that I have not necessarily done what other people wanted. I did what I wanted. I don't regret my decisions, not one. I am sure I could have done better though, in some ways. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. If you knew then what you know now and so on.

By and large, for the most part I am happy. Or at least I am fooling myself into thinking so. What is happiness anyway? No one can be completely happy all the time. I guess because I feel life is so finite, I don't want to waste any.

Time to go get changed, what am I thankful for today??? cars full of gas, good music on my CD's, audiobooks, cats, the ability to choose what I want to do, to eat, to wear, to be. We are lucky to live where we do, really. Except we spend too much time thinking and analyzing. If we were struggling to survive, I doubt we would self analyze. Maybe they had it better, our grandparents. Certainly in some ways, they did. Other things were worse for them. Again, no one has a perfect life. I think it is important to be thankful for the good stuff, get through the bad stuff and do the best you can, so that at the end of it, if you are lucky, you can realize that maybe you contributed something to the world while you were in it.

things that make me crazy

-people suggesting I need therapy
-people who say one thing and do another
-people who won't listen long enough to hear my point of view and/or who make me feel crazy enough to perhaps need therapy like they say I do....

sigh, I know that I do this blog as a form of therapy and perhaps just keeping a word doc would make more sense.

I can understand that my inlaws are aging, and as such, are more likely to say one thing and do another or to believe things were the way they think they were. After all, I probably do exactly the same thing. My kids would likely feel the exact same way about us. There is something about memory that has a filter or something on it. Just as we see what we expect to see, perhaps we remember what we choose to remember, or perhaps the way we would prefer to remember it?

And I also understand that my kid, my husband and my mother in law are all cut from the same cloth and as such, are not predisposed to understand my point of view. I love them and understand that we can't always agree, but it is sometimes difficult to reconcile the fact that I need to communicate in a different way than they want. Actually I think they would be totally content if I didn't communicate at all.

I do know that I talk too much. Anyone who reads this, probably gets that. I read about a woman who has some kind of sickness where she has to write things down all the time, I mean, in the shower, whatever, on herself, the walls, etc. She just has to keep writing. Sometimes I feel that I am like that in the talking field. Sometimes I Feel I can't get all the words out in time. Sometimes I feel like if people don't hear what I have to say, I will feel so frustrated. I live with these people who believe in keeping their mouth shut, bottling up everything inside, that no good ever came of telling people what you think. My inlaws secret for a happy marriage is unanimously"keep your mouth shut". So how did I wind up marrying this man???? For a time, I allowed him to open up and share his feelings. I Think I was good for him. But since his nervous breakdown and the years following, he has regressed. Sometimes to the point that he maybe goes for days without talking to me. I used to think the reason why we had such a good marriage was that we had such good communication. Now we can't seem to communicate at all. I know that many women have good women friends for this reason, so they can talk and don't even bother trying to communicate with the man because they don't get it. I have done bags of research, I totally understand that women need to vent sometimes for the sake of venting, they don't really want the man to rush in and fix the problem. The man gets frustrated because all he wants to do is solve the problem. or he thinks that is what the woman wants and gets frustrated when she doesn't take advice. I understand my daughters point of view that venting is bad and leads to more bad feelings etc. This is also true. It depends on the kind of venting. Some venting is like gossip and feeds on negativity and I have been trying to wean myself away from that type of thing but I suspect it is part of my life. Somehow learned in childhood, I don't know from whom as my mother was not a complainer and neither was my dad. My mother's motto "never complain, never explain". I get it, I do, so why do I find myself thinking of multiple explanations (eg. on the way to work when I am late, when no one ever asks why, or seems to care) I seem driven to multiple apologies to my family, multiple explanations for my failings. I suppose this is what you get for being an only. Sometimes it really is all about you. Or perhaps I only think so.

I am suspecting that some of my sensitivity is down to being menopausal age. The other day I actually cried after my mother in law and daughter made a small disapproving comment about something I innocently said. The fact that two days later i am still obsessing about it, does say something about me. My husband tells me to let things go, my daughter tells me that is the only way to be happy. They have had therapy, I suppose they know this to be true. Part of me knows it too. For me, the venting is part of the letting go. That is why I find this blog so helpful. Hopefully today when I log off, I will have vented my frustration in not being able to explain myself to them and get rid of the need to do so. I love my daughter like crazy and find myself very sad that tommorrow she will be gone, not to return for a year. We usually try to just enjoy each others company but sometimes after a phone call or a visit I find myself dwelling on the negatives. I really don't feel like we connect as I would like us to. Maybe too much bad stuff happened when she was a teenager. When I was a teenager, I cut myself off from my father, and have only now, in middle-age, got to a point where we relate and get along. And we do get along, I think we have many similarities. My son is a lot like me. I seem to understand him really well.

How odd, we take a child, try our best, shake and stir and see what comes out years later. My parents were flawed, tried their best and for the most part, I thought I turned out okay. My marriage is flawed, but we tried our best to raise the kids and for the most part, I think they turned out okay too. The human condition I guess.

I am a person who thinks that she tries to see the bright side, but often doesn't. Or at least, I think I have never quite made my mind up about the glass half full or half empty. Somedays I see it one way, other days, the other way. I believe in positivity, I really do. I think it is the only way to be happy. I do agree with my daughter that you effect your own happiness. I know that only we can control how we accept the world, change, our life.

Last night, after the kids left and I went for a walk with the man, we had an argument about walking in the dark and whether it was dark out yet. Sometimes I cannot believe a person could even have this argument. Sometimes I wonder who replaced my husband with an old man. Sometimes I feel like an old woman. Weird, middle age is weird. I cannot believe that at 9 p.m. in the summer my husband would refuse to go for a walk because it is too dark out. We met one car and that was the basis for why it is bad to go walking when it is dark. arrrrghggh. A therapist would likely tell me that this argument was really about something else. I wonder what it was really about.

Sometimes I Think we are so similar and other times so different. We stay together for convenience and truth be told, I like that. I like that I can still come along and be part of his families celebrations, that our children can visit us together, that we can plan for their visit together. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I guess it is normal to be full of doubts, as none of us is perfect. We are all flawed and doing the best we can.

The fact that I am doing this when I should be getting ready to go off and join my kids for the last day of the holiday must mean something. I think it worked though, my heart feels lighter. my husband has gone off to the birthday party of his gay friends. I like them too, but in my opinion, family trumps friends. On the other hand, the other day I was thinking how we all need a bit of space sometimes. The whole family time thing gets oppressive sometimes. Not usually to me, but I know my daughter needs her space. So last night the kids went off to do their own thing and I think that was good. I hope she goes home having had a decent vacation, ready to go back to work and her real life.

I am grateful that I have kids who seem more or less happy and well adjusted in their worlds. Depression, diabetes, heart disease, that is what we have left them for a health legacy, but they are so much more informed, healthier eaters, more aware of mental health. I hope this generation is more together than ours was.

Today I am grateful for great summer weather, kids I love and who I think love me. I am grateful for the ability to drive and great music to drive to. I am grateful for a new haircut (first time in my life I could say that) and some holiday time. I am grateful to have a certain amount of freedom in my life, to do and say as I choose. Life, for the most part, is good. Peace out.

my life as a grad mum

Wow, last post April. I am really behind. busy I guess, or perhaps more adjusted. Actually I think it is an addiction to facebook that has stopped me blogging. only have so much computer time.

Anyway it is a few min after midnight and I have just waved my daughter and her friends off to an all night grad party. She says she won't drink, and I hope that it is true. I expect her to drink a little but I have supervised a total of 4 all night wet grad parties in my life and I know what they are like.

This is my last year as a person who helps put on grad. I have just returned from the rink. I am usually one of the last dogs, because I am always late in getting there (always have to work). Everything was almost done, but I know this is when most people bugger off, when the easy stuff is over and then there are only a few people left to do the hard stuff. I usually get home about now from helping with grad. Next year I will be a grad parent, and as such, will be driving my kid and her friends to the party and staying up all night with them, supervising the unruly and the unwise. I am not sure which thing is harder, but after next year, it will be over. I estimate that I have probably helped with 10 graduations plus stayed up all night with my best friend while she supervised her 3 kids grad parties. To be fair, she stayed up till 3 a.m. on my son's grad with me and then took my daughter home. I guess she lucked out, because for my oldest daughter's grad, I had just had surgery a few days before and couldn't stay up all night supervising. Plus it was the only dry grad party I have ever seen in a rural community. I wish I could have been there, way more fun (and probably warmer) than standing around outside or in a quonset all night. It really does get coldest just before dawn. Round about four a.m. at this time of year.

Okay, to explain, in the villages and towns that I have lived in, the practise is this, each grade from gr. 9 and up, has a responsibility towards grad. All the parents and kids are meant to be helping. I noticed this year we had quite a few with excuses to not help, plus there were a lot who had siblings graduating and therefore were guests themselves. Around here, the gr. 9's put on some food afterwards so people can socialize. They don't seem to go in for dancing around here. When I was growing up, and in other places, there is a dance after the exercises. Then the grad party. It used to be that the gr. 11 parents cooked, but I think too many people work, so the last few years the dinner has been catered. Some years there are small classes and you have to get lower grades to help. We had a big class of gr. 11's this year but had to go all the way to gr. 9's for helpers. When I was in gr. 10, I was told we had to do the decorating, then in gr. 11, the current gr. 10's refused (how dare they?!?!!) and then we did it again. We actually wound up doing it for our own grad because the younger kids did a cursory job, very ugly. In those days, we used to leave the decorations like streamers and so on up, because there were often weddings shortly afterwards in the summer. Here the rink is used for the exercises, due to the large sized crowd and it is a job to decorate and undecorate. I find here they get quite elaborate, which is not the case everywhere.

I had to laugh, I was recently at a city grad, held in the city arts complex. There were about fifty teachers at least on their grad committee and I wondered what all they had to do, because here there are usually two or three on the committee and they do an awful lot. Getting teenagers organized is like herding cats in my experience. Mind you they do that for a living, so maybe it is easier for them.....I have to admire what they do. The parents also do an amazing job. I didn't do a lot this year, I was often working. Today, for instance, I worked all day (and of course it had to be a very busy day, unlike Tuesday, where I was in my office on my computer most of the day, rushing to meet deadlines, that was stressful on the brain, I was burnt out when I left but had physical energy left. ) Today was busy on the desk and we were short staffed, so I had to help out and didn't really have more than an hour to do my own work, so felt very tired and footsore when I left work. Not to mention a bit p.o'd about not having finished my own work. Holiday next week, so I will be behind. I work the weekend, but on the desk, so won't have a chance to get anything extra done.

So anyhow, left my breaks till days end, which I never do, and of course today it was problematic as we were short staffed, but I left anyway. Maybe people were irritated with that, I don't know. I never leave early. I am sometimes late, but then work through breaks or leave late. I managed to arrive at the banquet hall in time to do two hours worth of dishes though. Thank god for my mephistos. My feet were sore when i left work but I managed to stand for most of that time doing dishes and was fine tonight. I did change into crocs later because it looked like rain and these are rubber. First time I have worn my mary jane crocs. They look okay, feel all right. I usually only wear this type of shoe in the house, in lieu of slippers. The dr. says I have to wear shoes in the house, which is against everything I was brought up to do, but I ignored that advice for a year and then my plantar fasciitis came back. so I have learned to wear crocs in the house. Drives B nuts. He does have a point about the landfill. I think their popularity is less than it was, but you still see them on tons of people. What will happen to the landfill? I suppose they will have to figure out a use for them.

okay see how easy it is to short circuit me? I tell people I am easily distractible, and I am not lying. Last night I helped set up the banquet hall after I was done work at 8 p.m. so I put in a couple hours there, I have previously put in about 8 hours of meetings, then a couple hours of dishes tonight and about an hour of undecorating, so I definately did less than many people. I think in the long run, I have gotten away with a lot, really. The year I was the gr. 11 parent for Caitlin, I had the flu and couldn't help at grad on the day. Although I was a stand in gr. 11 parent for a friend of mine, who moved and her kids lived with us for about 6 weeks while they finished the school year. I think I did a lot that year, decorating, cooking, clean up etc. I remember helping the year Cait was in gr. 9, gr. 10, same for D and also gr. 11, then gr. 9 and 10 for Bron. It is funny, I volunteered for the dining room committee this time because I remember being on it before, when D was in gr. 11 (3 yrs ago) but when I went through the notes (everyone here always keeps notes for committees, it really helps you know what to do) I found I had been on it at least twice before, if not three times. I guess I am glad we never had four kids, like our original intention.

Perhaps someday I will feel bittersweet about it, but I doubt it. I think relief is the word I am looking for. Like the 14 years in a row that I tied skates, don't miss it. This is what I get for having kids spread out, a bunch of those people were gr. 10 and 12 parents at the same time...so get to skip a few things. I have to say though, after seeing that dry and incredibly boring city grad, I am immensely grateful to live here. Even with all the volunteer work, it is satisfying to see all those lovely children-young adults, whatever they are now, sitting up there, all dressed to the nines, being celebrated and knowing that you helped make their day. Several of Bron's good friends were up there today. When I think what they were like 5 years ago, it doesn't seem possible that they were grown up already. I see a lot of changes in Bron already. so mature. I know it is natures way of getting them ready to fly the nest. Sometimes you just can't believe it. I have been telling myself lately that I will be ready when the time comes, that she is often not home and it is just the two of us on our own quite a lot of the time now. But when she is really gone, oh my, doesn't bear thinking about. Having had children around since 1982, and then a lonely quiet house. oh dear. No wonder middle age is so distressing. People tell you when you have a child, how different your life will be after that, but you don't really get it, till it happens. Then when they are little, it seems like it will forever before they even start school. Suddenly 13 years go by and they are done, and grown into adults to boot. wow.

As they say, reality--what a concept.

Things to be thankful for: my darling daughters and wonderful son, and their significant others.
A man, who, although he no longer volunteers for anything and sometimes drives me nuts, has a good eye for art and enjoys growing plants. He loves those kids as much as I do, but would likely never say it out loud. Hmm, funny how we repeat history. I know my dad loves me but he would never say it either.

I am thankful for loving parents, still alive (and of course, for Mum, who would have loved all this had she been alive. I miss her every day. I cannot believe she was my age when she died, makes it all the more tragic) who are helpful and yet not interfering. I only hope I can be the same kind of parent to my kids.

I am thankful for good yogurt, fresh cherries and access to lovely foods, even though I sometimes eat way too much unhealthy junk. Case in point, I bought a coke this evening, which I am even now consuming. I say I don't need caffeine, but I really think I needed this after work. Must be the sugar.....For the first time in my life, I sometimes buy coffee at work when I am really really tired and it seems to help. I have no desire to become a coffee drinker at my age.

I am thankful for computers and the easily accessible power to run them. They have become a very important part of my life, which is probably sad, but there you go. Couldn't do this without them.

Well 50 min has gone by and I know I should go to bed. I know I will be about a useful as a cooked cauliflower tommorrow. Luckily I don't have to work till afternoon as I know I will be useless tommorrow. I think I am still wired. I thought blogging would help, but it has just kept me awake. Must be time to go watch some mind numbing tv and get tired.

I am grateful that I have a child who has friends who want her to come play with them. Friends are really important in life and I am very thankful for mine. The guest speaker tonight made a point " forget what you do for your friends and not what they do for you" I think that is a good quote. Don't remember what it is from, but I like it. As one with no siblings to share memories and difficulties with, I value my friends all the more. They have been there for me through thick and thin and I hope will continue to do so for many more years. Need to see more of them.
okay not resolution time, too late to get into that now.

Time to go, 1 a.m. Goodnight. or goodmorning, whichever.