Merry Ho Ho!
once again I find myself alone in the house. If I turn to the right, the lovely aromatic Christmas tree, if I turn to the left, five lovely white glowing stars in my dining room window. The house is completely quiet except for the humming of the computer and the fridge. I was feeling slightly sorry for myself earlier, as the husband and youngest are still enjoying Christmas at the farm. I had to work since Dec. 16 till Christmas eve at 5p.m. when the family picked me up and took me off to the farm for Christmas with the inlaws. We also brought my dad, who gets along well with the in-laws. It was a fairly quick trip, which was good because the car was PACKED full. There were not that many parcels or suitcases, but about one third of the trunk is full of my winter survival gear. It is a really small car, the Saturn SL1, but it is still costing me over forty bucks to fill. When we had a big old Buick, and it started costing that much, we bit the bullet and bought a new little car, so we had car payments but not so much in gas payments. Now that gas has gone up, there is really nothing we can do until hybrids or other alternatives become accessible to the common man. Anyway Bron and I and a few suitcases were in the back seat, Dad and Bruce in the front and a couple more suitcases and the gifts in the trunk. We had left the son the other car so he could come the next day with his girlfriend. They were spending the eve and the a.m. with her family as she has little sibs. I guess this was his first Christmas not at "home" so to speak. We had about 24 hrs with the two of them, so managed to do gifts and turkey dinner and the traditional rummoli game and screening of "Muppet Christmas Carol" and that is about it. They also had to work today (27th) so we came home yesterday (Boxing Day!) with my dad as he doesn't like to be gone from home more than a couple of days. At work, it feels like Christmas is over. The same people who were working with me on the 24th were there again today. I thought some of them were taking holidays and that is why I had to work. I don't think they really needed me today. I had been all good about it because I took Xmas off last yr when Caitlin was home and figured this year it was my turn to work and I am taking off from now till Jan 7 as she is coming home New Yrs. Eve (the planes always get in at midnight, should be interesting, the alligator plans to come also--I had hoped to get him New Years headgear but at least he has antlers this year. We wanted antlers last year as the plane got in at Christmas eve at midnight but there were none to be found. Now we have antlers!)
Anyway Dad and I, who spent most of the entire time from 5 p.m. Xmas Eve till we got back last night, visiting with each other (Dad was actually starting to wonder if there was a reason why people kept leaving the room when we were there, we kept finding ourselves alone with each other) and then we still wound up talking till 1 a.m. And of course, having been wiped out on the 24th by 10 p.m. (and still staying up till 1 or so ) and then being tired the next day by midnight (and likely still up till 1 or so) I found myself still awake till past 2 a.m. and then woke up at 5 a.m. and had a hard time getting to sleep both times. Of course at 7, when I had to get up for work, I was well asleep....
It was really hard being lively when I got to work with so little sleep, but I spent three hours sorting books (not enough shelving, so what do you do with the ones that are too good to get rid of...) and then worked the desk in the afternoon. Went out at lunch to see if there was any cheap choc and wrapping paper. I despise Boxing Day shopping but I figure on the 27th I will look a bit if I am working anyway. Didn't find much. Usually there are lots of brandy beans on sale, but didn't spy any. Got some choc. oranges though and some nice paper. I used to use more cloth bags, still really prefer them for some things, like clothes. I will have to make some more some time. I miss sewing.
Anyway after work picked up pizza and coke with the intention of spending quality time on the couch with the cat. Didn't watch a movie though, listened to the end of my audio book instead. I was so gung ho to get it finished before Christmas and there is someone else waiting for it, I only had one disc to go, so finished it tonight. I don't often do that, in the house. It is really a car thing, but I can do ironing or dusting to audio books if I have to. This time I just laid on the couch, doing my nails and scratching the worlds itchiest cat. She was feeling neglected after being alone since the 24th. She hates us but loves us too, I think. At least, she loves the feeding and scratching.
I had been feeling a bit sorry for myself that I would be alone, while everyone else is still having Christmas. But actually this afternoon, after spending the last few weeks working and scrambling to get everything done in time and then the last few days in the bosom of most of my family, I decided it would be nice to have a little bit of piece. Tommorrow I can start to put stuff away, clean the house, think about how to organize the days when Cait is home. Finish my cards, or at least do a few more. Maybe watch some of my Xmas presents (DVD's). I was reading the paper today that there was a study in Britain that people get too many gifts, don't remember what they were given a year ago,even by the spouse. Well, I guess that is true here too. I can hardly remember what I bought this year and I just did it. I usually keep track and write it all down so we don't repeat. It really isn't about the actual gift, later in the article, I think they got it right, the gift is just a symbol of how the person feels about you. It's funny, not in a ha ha way, but I think that is mostly true. A friend just had her husband walk out on her about a month ago, after over 30 years, a couple kids and a new grandbaby. So even though they decided not to do presents, she got him a little mug of nice drinkables, made him brunch, etc. He didn't even say thanks. I guess he sent a Christmas e-card. Makes you think. She is clearly trying to hang on a bit, maybe just a tiny bit of remembrance for times past, and he is clearly trying to reject her. I know my Christmases are well-defined by tradition. Since my husband stopped working shift work, we have spent every Christmas more or less the same, we are always at the farm, and sure we always will be, until my mother in law can't stand up anymore. I thought we were going to be here this year for a change, but she changed her tune in the fall, perhaps after having a thanksgiving meal here....I know it is not the same. My father in law has always lived on the same farm he was born on. One year they were here for Christmas when one of the kids was wee, and he said never again. It hasn't bothered me because I love the tradition of being there too. After Mum died, my dad would always work Christmas, and we had shift work to contend with , we always got there whenever we could, even if it was just for a few hours (I would never do that now, spend 12 hours on the road in terrible weather for the sake of a few hours of visiting and a few very short hours of sleep). I guess you have that homing instinct when you are young. I know we want the kids home as much as they can be. But I swore I would never put the pressure on them that we had. Both families wanted us and if they didn't have us, it wasn't Christmas. I do get it, after all, we had to share our son this year. And of course, in the past few years we have only had Cait home twice. It does always feel like something is missing. It was way more fun last year with Cait and Tim home. I guess when I think it over, I resent the fact that we always had to pack up with all the kids and all their stuff and always do the travelling, when it is much easier for adults to travel on their own. But of course, my in laws have cows, making the winter trips almost impossible. Worse than having little kids....
We did have them here for thanksgiving, father in laws birthday in Oct and also my birthday in Dec. so you can't say they never come. When we lived three hours farther away, there were some years we didn't see them at our place at all, but then we used to go there every 6-8 weeks. But once the kids start working, makes it hard to get away. I work more, so I can't just drop everything and go like I used to. (Well I never dropped stuff, it took me days to get everything ready. But now I count on weekends to do all the stuff I used to do during the week, or else we are just plain tired--such is middle age, we never invite friends over, we never go anyplace and in the evenings we lie around in a stupor....such fun!)
Anyway wandering off topic as usual. I was just going to do a little Christmas report. I don't know why, I know no one reads this, but I guess it just helps to get my thoughts on paper (well, I know it isn't really paper, but this way, no little journals to store away...)Maybe some day I will use this for something. If it isn't too painful to read.
I actually am in a good mood. The house smells good, feels peaceful, I am rather enjoying a night to myself. I know that tommorrow the other two will come home and we will start to make plans for when Cait is home. I know that will go by way too fast and then it is dumping directly to the reality of back to work. I think January is going to be very busy in the last few weeks, at work. Makes the winter pass I guess. Every day a bit closer to spring. Funny how time changes. As a kid the days take forever, yet I don't remember feeling that winter was overly long. Now my days rush by in a blur, weeks go trotting along quite quickly and yet it feels like the year is mostly winter. I suppose because there really are only a few weeks of spring and fall and summer is so busy it goes by so fast too, then there you are back to winter again. An elderly acquaintance of mine summed it up quite well the other day, " After 80 years, I am still wondering how we will make it through the winter" We were commenting on how every year it seems longer. I am always amused by the fact that we seem surprised by it all. I mean, it comes every year, sometimes earlier, sometimes later, sometimes colder, sometimes warmer, but it always arrives for a good long visit. Why do we seem so surprised? oh look, winter is here....!
I suppose it defines part of who we are, I do know when you get home after a horrible drive, you do feel rather triumphant, like you have beaten the odds, beaten nature. But mostly I just really hope that nothing ever happens. My husband says,"where is your sense of adventure?". Well, mine has got up and left. Mostly I view winter as making my commute a pain, making my walks icy underfoot, making my car covered with vision obscuring snow and ice. But sometimes, like the other night, when the moon was full and the trees were all frosty from an earlier fog and the Christmas lights were lit and I was walking in the stillness to the church for a music program, then it is magical and lovely. I heard something today about how many different ways there are to look at something and the examples they used were that you might look out and see snow and one person sees the hassle of his commute, another sees the sparkly lovliness of it and another sees the opportunity to ski. It is true. I liked it better as a kid, when it was to play in. Or when the kids were little and we mostly played in it and I didn't commute, so it was mostly okay. But now it mostly represents work and worry. That being said, I am glad it was a white Christmas. Wouldn't seem right otherwise. And we were very lucky, it has been warm the last few days, nice and comfortable, not so warm that is has gone to ice or rain, just pleasant to be out in.
Okay well I have talked myself out. Not bad for only a few hours of sleep and a full day behind me. I am astonishingly grateful for my family and the fact that they wound up giving me all sorts of lovely goodies that I wanted and appreciated. I am grateful to have a young man for a son who actually wants to come home for Christmas and a daughter who stays for a visit with the grands because she knows they want to see her. I am grateful for airplanes to bring home far flung family. I am even grateful for my old grumpy bear of a husband. We have seen a lot of Christmases together and I appreciate that it is one of the things that we seem to have in sync. Even though we have our emotional difficulties with each other, there are some things where we just seem to flow along naturally. I don't know if he realizes how rare that is, how lucky he is that his life is made easy by that synchronicity. In that past little while, after talking to my dad about widows, and watching couples split up, I have been observing men and women in middle and older ages and realizing that we really are wired differently. I have been thinking so for the past decade or so, but I really believe it now. Men and women think very differently and want very different things. I suppose it is nature that makes us want to get together and make babies initially or the human race would die out. But after that, I am amazed that we can even get along, given how differently we think, and talk and have expectations. We behave very differently for a reason I am sure. I am always harking back to what I call "cave man days" for explanations for how we behave. I really do think we are meant to be in herds. Our modern life is likely killing us.
Anyway off on a tangent again. Back to gratitude. I am profoundly grateful for decent weather over the holidays or anytime really. I am grateful for people who love me and want to be with me or hear from me. I am grateful for the few who still send cards and letters although it has dwindled considerably. I am even grateful for having had the opportunity to know all the people who have passed away in my world this year; I am sure I would not have known as much as I do without them. There are births and deaths and I am starting to really understand about the circle of life. Here is a thought, a few months after grandfather died, my first child was born. Grandma passed away this year, and now my cousin has just become a father for the second time. We are all getting older and I have sometimes a hard time coming to terms with that. The aging process and the loss of loved ones. But I guess have to realize that more loved ones come along and that we have really had a marvelous go of life thus far, really. WE don't appreciate it enough. I guess if nothing else, this blog makes me stop and think a bit about what I truly grateful for. I am definitely grateful for life. Lots of little things get in the way, I am an obsessive about the little things that frustrate me in my work and life. I know I should try to rise above that and just get on with it. I suppose you could call that a resolution. I never make them, because they are never kept. It does take me several years usually, to make a single good change in my life. But some of them do make it. Last year, I decided to call one relative and one friend a month. Didn't do it even once. Maybe this year I will get more determined. And then there is the ever present one, learning to be a better listener and not talk so damned much. sigh, not doing too well on that one either. I don't even include the exercise and weight thing, as it is an on going health issue, rather than a moral obligation. I really wish I could learn to not sweat the small stuff. Just let it flow. (not much chance of it, but you never know) So on that very New Year like note, I will go. Thank god, I hear you say, because I type the same way I talk, never ending. I guess that is just me, and I have been trying to accept me just as I am. Some days I manage better than other days. Middle age must be good for something, surely one could learn to accept oneself by now.
Ta ta, happy new year. D
Anyway Dad and I, who spent most of the entire time from 5 p.m. Xmas Eve till we got back last night, visiting with each other (Dad was actually starting to wonder if there was a reason why people kept leaving the room when we were there, we kept finding ourselves alone with each other) and then we still wound up talking till 1 a.m. And of course, having been wiped out on the 24th by 10 p.m. (and still staying up till 1 or so ) and then being tired the next day by midnight (and likely still up till 1 or so) I found myself still awake till past 2 a.m. and then woke up at 5 a.m. and had a hard time getting to sleep both times. Of course at 7, when I had to get up for work, I was well asleep....
It was really hard being lively when I got to work with so little sleep, but I spent three hours sorting books (not enough shelving, so what do you do with the ones that are too good to get rid of...) and then worked the desk in the afternoon. Went out at lunch to see if there was any cheap choc and wrapping paper. I despise Boxing Day shopping but I figure on the 27th I will look a bit if I am working anyway. Didn't find much. Usually there are lots of brandy beans on sale, but didn't spy any. Got some choc. oranges though and some nice paper. I used to use more cloth bags, still really prefer them for some things, like clothes. I will have to make some more some time. I miss sewing.
Anyway after work picked up pizza and coke with the intention of spending quality time on the couch with the cat. Didn't watch a movie though, listened to the end of my audio book instead. I was so gung ho to get it finished before Christmas and there is someone else waiting for it, I only had one disc to go, so finished it tonight. I don't often do that, in the house. It is really a car thing, but I can do ironing or dusting to audio books if I have to. This time I just laid on the couch, doing my nails and scratching the worlds itchiest cat. She was feeling neglected after being alone since the 24th. She hates us but loves us too, I think. At least, she loves the feeding and scratching.
I had been feeling a bit sorry for myself that I would be alone, while everyone else is still having Christmas. But actually this afternoon, after spending the last few weeks working and scrambling to get everything done in time and then the last few days in the bosom of most of my family, I decided it would be nice to have a little bit of piece. Tommorrow I can start to put stuff away, clean the house, think about how to organize the days when Cait is home. Finish my cards, or at least do a few more. Maybe watch some of my Xmas presents (DVD's). I was reading the paper today that there was a study in Britain that people get too many gifts, don't remember what they were given a year ago,even by the spouse. Well, I guess that is true here too. I can hardly remember what I bought this year and I just did it. I usually keep track and write it all down so we don't repeat. It really isn't about the actual gift, later in the article, I think they got it right, the gift is just a symbol of how the person feels about you. It's funny, not in a ha ha way, but I think that is mostly true. A friend just had her husband walk out on her about a month ago, after over 30 years, a couple kids and a new grandbaby. So even though they decided not to do presents, she got him a little mug of nice drinkables, made him brunch, etc. He didn't even say thanks. I guess he sent a Christmas e-card. Makes you think. She is clearly trying to hang on a bit, maybe just a tiny bit of remembrance for times past, and he is clearly trying to reject her. I know my Christmases are well-defined by tradition. Since my husband stopped working shift work, we have spent every Christmas more or less the same, we are always at the farm, and sure we always will be, until my mother in law can't stand up anymore. I thought we were going to be here this year for a change, but she changed her tune in the fall, perhaps after having a thanksgiving meal here....I know it is not the same. My father in law has always lived on the same farm he was born on. One year they were here for Christmas when one of the kids was wee, and he said never again. It hasn't bothered me because I love the tradition of being there too. After Mum died, my dad would always work Christmas, and we had shift work to contend with , we always got there whenever we could, even if it was just for a few hours (I would never do that now, spend 12 hours on the road in terrible weather for the sake of a few hours of visiting and a few very short hours of sleep). I guess you have that homing instinct when you are young. I know we want the kids home as much as they can be. But I swore I would never put the pressure on them that we had. Both families wanted us and if they didn't have us, it wasn't Christmas. I do get it, after all, we had to share our son this year. And of course, in the past few years we have only had Cait home twice. It does always feel like something is missing. It was way more fun last year with Cait and Tim home. I guess when I think it over, I resent the fact that we always had to pack up with all the kids and all their stuff and always do the travelling, when it is much easier for adults to travel on their own. But of course, my in laws have cows, making the winter trips almost impossible. Worse than having little kids....
We did have them here for thanksgiving, father in laws birthday in Oct and also my birthday in Dec. so you can't say they never come. When we lived three hours farther away, there were some years we didn't see them at our place at all, but then we used to go there every 6-8 weeks. But once the kids start working, makes it hard to get away. I work more, so I can't just drop everything and go like I used to. (Well I never dropped stuff, it took me days to get everything ready. But now I count on weekends to do all the stuff I used to do during the week, or else we are just plain tired--such is middle age, we never invite friends over, we never go anyplace and in the evenings we lie around in a stupor....such fun!)
Anyway wandering off topic as usual. I was just going to do a little Christmas report. I don't know why, I know no one reads this, but I guess it just helps to get my thoughts on paper (well, I know it isn't really paper, but this way, no little journals to store away...)Maybe some day I will use this for something. If it isn't too painful to read.
I actually am in a good mood. The house smells good, feels peaceful, I am rather enjoying a night to myself. I know that tommorrow the other two will come home and we will start to make plans for when Cait is home. I know that will go by way too fast and then it is dumping directly to the reality of back to work. I think January is going to be very busy in the last few weeks, at work. Makes the winter pass I guess. Every day a bit closer to spring. Funny how time changes. As a kid the days take forever, yet I don't remember feeling that winter was overly long. Now my days rush by in a blur, weeks go trotting along quite quickly and yet it feels like the year is mostly winter. I suppose because there really are only a few weeks of spring and fall and summer is so busy it goes by so fast too, then there you are back to winter again. An elderly acquaintance of mine summed it up quite well the other day, " After 80 years, I am still wondering how we will make it through the winter" We were commenting on how every year it seems longer. I am always amused by the fact that we seem surprised by it all. I mean, it comes every year, sometimes earlier, sometimes later, sometimes colder, sometimes warmer, but it always arrives for a good long visit. Why do we seem so surprised? oh look, winter is here....!
I suppose it defines part of who we are, I do know when you get home after a horrible drive, you do feel rather triumphant, like you have beaten the odds, beaten nature. But mostly I just really hope that nothing ever happens. My husband says,"where is your sense of adventure?". Well, mine has got up and left. Mostly I view winter as making my commute a pain, making my walks icy underfoot, making my car covered with vision obscuring snow and ice. But sometimes, like the other night, when the moon was full and the trees were all frosty from an earlier fog and the Christmas lights were lit and I was walking in the stillness to the church for a music program, then it is magical and lovely. I heard something today about how many different ways there are to look at something and the examples they used were that you might look out and see snow and one person sees the hassle of his commute, another sees the sparkly lovliness of it and another sees the opportunity to ski. It is true. I liked it better as a kid, when it was to play in. Or when the kids were little and we mostly played in it and I didn't commute, so it was mostly okay. But now it mostly represents work and worry. That being said, I am glad it was a white Christmas. Wouldn't seem right otherwise. And we were very lucky, it has been warm the last few days, nice and comfortable, not so warm that is has gone to ice or rain, just pleasant to be out in.
Okay well I have talked myself out. Not bad for only a few hours of sleep and a full day behind me. I am astonishingly grateful for my family and the fact that they wound up giving me all sorts of lovely goodies that I wanted and appreciated. I am grateful to have a young man for a son who actually wants to come home for Christmas and a daughter who stays for a visit with the grands because she knows they want to see her. I am grateful for airplanes to bring home far flung family. I am even grateful for my old grumpy bear of a husband. We have seen a lot of Christmases together and I appreciate that it is one of the things that we seem to have in sync. Even though we have our emotional difficulties with each other, there are some things where we just seem to flow along naturally. I don't know if he realizes how rare that is, how lucky he is that his life is made easy by that synchronicity. In that past little while, after talking to my dad about widows, and watching couples split up, I have been observing men and women in middle and older ages and realizing that we really are wired differently. I have been thinking so for the past decade or so, but I really believe it now. Men and women think very differently and want very different things. I suppose it is nature that makes us want to get together and make babies initially or the human race would die out. But after that, I am amazed that we can even get along, given how differently we think, and talk and have expectations. We behave very differently for a reason I am sure. I am always harking back to what I call "cave man days" for explanations for how we behave. I really do think we are meant to be in herds. Our modern life is likely killing us.
Anyway off on a tangent again. Back to gratitude. I am profoundly grateful for decent weather over the holidays or anytime really. I am grateful for people who love me and want to be with me or hear from me. I am grateful for the few who still send cards and letters although it has dwindled considerably. I am even grateful for having had the opportunity to know all the people who have passed away in my world this year; I am sure I would not have known as much as I do without them. There are births and deaths and I am starting to really understand about the circle of life. Here is a thought, a few months after grandfather died, my first child was born. Grandma passed away this year, and now my cousin has just become a father for the second time. We are all getting older and I have sometimes a hard time coming to terms with that. The aging process and the loss of loved ones. But I guess have to realize that more loved ones come along and that we have really had a marvelous go of life thus far, really. WE don't appreciate it enough. I guess if nothing else, this blog makes me stop and think a bit about what I truly grateful for. I am definitely grateful for life. Lots of little things get in the way, I am an obsessive about the little things that frustrate me in my work and life. I know I should try to rise above that and just get on with it. I suppose you could call that a resolution. I never make them, because they are never kept. It does take me several years usually, to make a single good change in my life. But some of them do make it. Last year, I decided to call one relative and one friend a month. Didn't do it even once. Maybe this year I will get more determined. And then there is the ever present one, learning to be a better listener and not talk so damned much. sigh, not doing too well on that one either. I don't even include the exercise and weight thing, as it is an on going health issue, rather than a moral obligation. I really wish I could learn to not sweat the small stuff. Just let it flow. (not much chance of it, but you never know) So on that very New Year like note, I will go. Thank god, I hear you say, because I type the same way I talk, never ending. I guess that is just me, and I have been trying to accept me just as I am. Some days I manage better than other days. Middle age must be good for something, surely one could learn to accept oneself by now.
Ta ta, happy new year. D
posted by Diana @ 8:04 PM
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