another winner of a day
Well it must be time to do my monthly post. must be, because I had another crappy day. Found out I am losing another hour at my small work place. Even though we did 25 % better this year, we lose anyway. Quite discouraging.
Sometimes I wonder if everyone has such setbacks. I mean, as a person, my life is quite full, family who seems to care about me most of the time, jobs I enjoy, a place in the sun. So why do I seem to eternally focus on the nasty parts of life?
Why focus on the blips in the relationships rather than celebrating the great bits? I always like to think I am a glass half full person, but I think I seem to be morphing into a glass half empty person. sigh.
I think that middle age has hit me upside the head. I seem to question every little thing. I wouldn't say I am depressed, but sometimes the depressing parts of life seem to be overwhelming. Quite often the next day or so I can get past it and carry on, but it seems to be that there is a lot of things threatening to overwhelm me lately.
First of all, exhaustion. I have spent this past month in a flurry of activity, none of which is spectacularly eventful. I mean, for at least three weeks, every spare moment that i normally take for granted in which I can exercise, read or do things on the computer has been co-opted by work responsibilities, committments involving other family members or ??? I find I have had only two mornings in a month where I could exercise. I have had a couple of lunch hours but find myself too tired by then to drag myself out for a walk. Plus the perennial trouble of what do I put on my feet?
This plantar fasciitis (probably wrong spelling) seems to always attack at this time of year; I am assuming that a) perhaps I am on my feet more? or more likely b) instead of wearing my mephistoes or holey soles every day at work, I am wanting to wear other shoes, which don't seem to work as well. I bought a pair of naots last summer and didn't wear them at all because they felt funny after my mephistoes. So this year I tried to get used to them and I love how they don't hurt the top of my feet in any way, but the little metatarsal pad in the insole drives me nuts. Not so much my right foot, but the left one, which of course is the one with the problem. I wore them two days straight, trying to get used to them, but found my feet hurt by the end of the second day. Wonder if I can get them changed at all. I think that pad is what naots are famous for, unfortunately. I have spent a couple hundred dollars this spring on insoles, new runners and new sandals, all expensive "good" brands, but here I am, desperately trying to figure out what i can wear besides my trusty mephistoes.
Someone (younger) at work was commenting on how her feet hurt and how she will likely have to buy orthopedic shoes hence ugly shoes. What can I say, my mephistoes are not pretty in any sense of the word. They resemble Birkenstocks, so are probably fine but boring to wear the same pair of shoes all year long.....
I dug out the sandals I bought in Florida last year (had worn them most of the summer with relative comfort, nice when it is wet as they are not leather) but I can tell they don't have enough support either. Sigh.
I had my eye on a pair of cute slides in an expensive store, but they are a couple hundred dollars (as are my mephistoes) and they probably are no better support than any other ones. Sometimes I hate our society. I wish we could all get what we need at a price we can afford. I always think of star trek society where everyone is entitled to what they need, no conflicts over money and wealth. No wonder it is a fantasy.
I think my main problem this month has been a total lack of time for myself. It seems I run from crisis to crisis at both workplaces as well as at home. Here I have lost my assistant, had to persuade my board chair to quit doing that so she could become new assistant (she is already trained, used to be a casual till they decided that was conflict of interest to be an employee and a board person) Had to get a new person on board as the chairperson (so far it has taken almost an hour of my time at the bank to get the signing authority changed, and at last count, I believe I had to sign 6 times on a wad of paper about quarter of an inch thick. Last time, it took a couple minutes, to sign a card and be done with it--so much for the convenience of computers. You can't even call these banks directly anymore, calls are all routed from god knows where.
I wanted to insert a video here but can't find it and don't know how anyway. It was a funny one that I think someone must have lifted from Airfarce. Had Luba Goy being a call center person and flipping back and forth between different companies (burglar alarm, lost luggage, etc) . I wish I had saved it from my email. Mind you, the computer died this month also so I really have not had time to get things back in order on that. Also my bank changed hands and has been a bit of a pain getting the computer banking back in order. Yes, it seems that everything in my life lately that can be made harder, has been made harder. It seems the most simple things take forever to sort. Errors with computers, errors made at work, errors made in daily life. I realize we are all human and computers are not perfect, but jeepers,it just seems like my life has gotten more complicated lately.
Okay in all this mess of crazy, there are a few good things, my son home for awhile, got the job he wanted, seems to enjoy it and for the most part can carpool with his dad. Tonight he met a friend and will come home with him, I guess. Cracks me up, there they are in the late evenings, early a.m.'s still sitting in my house playing video games till the crack of dawn only now they are drinking beer instead of pop. They also still have middle of the night barbecues, so I no longer know what I have for food around here. When he is gone, I find myself throwing food away, and when he is home, I find myself running out of food. Not sure which thing I like the best? or the worst?
We had a terrible time finding things he can wear. Most of his wardrobe consists of baggy jeans and rock band t's. He is so tall and thin that ordinary clothes just hang on his frame and look somewhat odd. Luckily he has been told he can wear jeans to work. Took us two hours to find him a pair of dress pants that would fit. Usually for men, this is not a problem, you run in, get the right number of inches going both directions and it will fit...Not sure why we had such a hard time the other night. Couldn't even find t shirts that didn't look geeky. Just wanted something ordinary he could wear to work that wasn't dress clothes. I think they make all the golf shirts for big middle aged men.....He has long arms, but even the small sizes the sleeves hung past his elbows. I mean, really.
He seems happy, that makes me happy. It was so painful last spring with his two friends dying. I think his body reacted by getting sick, so he couldn't work very much so spent his time feeling miserable and dragging around. I know he is finding it hard to get up at 6 a.m. I find it nearly impossible myself. But he probably hasn't gotten up before noon all year, so kinda hard. I think he will have more am. classes this year. I am sure he will adjust. It does make you wonder though. I mean, we push our kids into excelling at school so they can get into a good university or program and get a good job, so they can what? spend their life toiling away like we do....! Hmmm, something is wrong with this picture.
I mean, I think about my grandfather, who was likely just happy that people were not shooting at him in this country and that his family was safe and warm and fed. My grandmother was more ambitious, coming from a wealthier family. In any case, they did well here, and were likely proud of their son, my dad, getting a good government job so he could provide for his family. I remember having anything we needed, good clothes, holidays, decent furniture in the house, I don't think I suffered at all after my dad got that job. I think times were tough when I was little but I have no memory of that. My mother was able to do mostly whatever she liked, had a little part time job where she called her own hours. When she got sick, she was just starting to be a newspaper columnist. She was planning to go to university and start a new life for herself. At any rate, my point is, that each generation did better than their parents. Then comes us.
Here we are, well educated, employed, but not quite as well off comparatively as our parents. I feel that we are sort of a disappointment to our adult kids that we have not done better. I suppose if I had worked full time, it would have helped. But I still think I made the right decision to stay home as much as I did for as long as I did. Sometimes we made bad decisions, and sometimes we had bad luck. But the kids never suffered. We are warm and fed and so on. If it wasn't for my Dad though, we would still be in trouble. We have been rescued twice by my parents, once in our early marriage and once lately. Makes you feel like an idiot.
Then we try to turn our kids into little clones. Go out and play happy families, get good jobs, pay off your debts, live a happy life. Sometimes I wonder if this is the right thing to do. I guess I am trapped by my suburban middleclass dom. I know in my heart that I do not envy my former co-worker who is wandering around India. She waited till her kid left home, spent a year there while she took leave from work, came home and quit her job and went back. No ties, no responsibilities. Or so it seems. I know I haven't the guts for that. Probably never did.
I mean, I got what I wanted. The kids, the house, the pets, the jobs. I wanted this life and I am more or less content most of the time. Just feel stressed out by it all. In neither job do I have time to complete my tasks. It is one thing to give up the housework and live in squalor. But I feel shredded, used up and numb. Good thing I am takinga little holiday,even if it does mean working myself into a frenzy in the next couple weeks and also when I get back. I suppose what can be done will be done and the rest will have to wait. I am lucky that my family is well able to look after themselves. I don't do much for anybody anymore in any case.
Today someone pointed out how busy we were when the kids were little and how you would think it would be easier now, but it is not. I am suspecting the mental energy drain. I mean, I no longer run to any child related games, practises, lessons, etc. A couple of events a year perhaps. I know that I work more than I did then. But I see far less of friends and family. My friend was saying that her kid brought home an assignment: what do you do for fun? and she had no answer. I actually have a hard time coming up with an answer as well.
B and I get subscriptions to theatre and symphony, so that during the winter we have a date or 2 every month. If we didn't literally make ourselves go, we would never get out at all. We have no friends here, just work friends and that doesn't really count. We do nothing social beyond visiting our parents periodically. Last night, my goal for the evening was to watch tv, but the family had the tv and I dislike what they were watching so I read a magazine in my one hour that i had after coming home from work, making supper and doing a ton of dishes, (halfa ton still waits for me tonight but too bad). Tonight I was in such a foul mood (as was the spouse) that we each took a computer and proceeded to destress that way. He blows things up or catches monsters or whatever he does in those games. I try to cream the computer at scrabble. I haven't had a chance to reinstall this game for weeks. It was fun, but I realize I have spent all evening staring at this beast. Hmmm, what is wrong with this equation. Stare at computer all afternoon at work, and all evening at home. The only redeeming part of the day was my senior exercises. didn't make me feel as good as usual, but I was glad to get out, even if it was blowing and raining out. What a week, everything except snow. Was very hot Wed, but frost on windshield in the next a.m......I guess you gotta live where it keeps you guessing. I have dressed wrong each day this week so far.
I think everyone has gone to bed except the one who is out. Almost midnight. I feel strangely compelled to keep typing, like my brain is bleeding words. Verbal diarrhea as my brother in law would say. I read about a woman who has a disease that makes her write all the time. She writes on walls and herself if she has nothing else. Scary.
I sometimes wish I could turn my constant internal dialogue into some kind of commercial writing. Perhaps that is a goal. My co-worker has goals for each decade. I think learning to swim in her 50's, gardening in her 60's and she is planning to drink herself silly in her 70's figuring what has she got to lose. Interesting concept. Maybe I will take up drinking then. If I make it that far. Being the age that Mum was when she died always makes me feel like life is a ticking clock, if not a time bomb. I suppose I am just waiting for whatever is lurking around the corner. Which could of course, open me up to actually being suseptible to something, couldn't it. My goal in life used to be to be happy, as I was sure that stress and unhappiness killed my mother. Then I read how people who try so hard to be happy still get sick because they are trying so hard.
Can't bloody win.
So I try my best. Even on a day like today, I try to listen for birdsong, or take delight in one of the kids. I am going on a mini cruise/vacation with my oldest in a couple weeks, so that has me excited, if stressed about getting ready on time. I think I will need a vacation after the month I have had. All the running, all the work and for what? Fewer hours, less pay, more work. Hmm, something definately wrong with that picture. I suppose it goes with the territory.
Before I was a waitress I used to think I would love a job where I didn't have to think about it when I went home. And in some ways, there is some good in that. I realized that I obviously love the kind of jobs that I gravitate to, which require constant thought and problem solving. But I realize, as I age, I am finding it much harder to keep up. I try to cut down, but it doesn't seem to help as I am slowing down too. Makes me wonder what the future holds.
On one hand, I don't want to work myself to death, on the other hand, if you want money when you retire, you have to work for it. If you want to travel and enjoy life, you have to put in the employed time. Maybe it would have been easier if I had always worked. I think that people who work part time, just try to add work into their already busy lives. Makes it harder. Wheras if you always worked full time, you would adjust your personal life to that schedule. I notice that people I work with, who have always worked full time, just go bananas when they are forced to stay home ( eg too sick to be at work, but not sick enough to be in bed or made to use vacation days up). I think I could be home all day and never run out of stuff to do. Of course, I think even if I was home all day I would find better things to do than housework. More fun stuff to do, like read, sew, etc. Makes me wonder what the future holds. Honestly, I see working till we die. Possibly living in a big house together with other women. We make jokes about it at work, but when you see what your parents are going to have to pay for care, we know we will never have that much. Another scary thought.
I suppose I should get to bed, lots to do tommorrow. Why I feel compelled to clutter up the internet with my random thoughts is beyond me. I guess it is easier than writing a journal. Serves the same purpose.
Hmm, my thing to be thankful for today? That the sun came out in the evening, that my computer is working again, that I know tommorrow is another day. I am fretting for my family, I wonder if any of them are happy? The boy seems happy, but then he would, in a week or so he is flying off to visit his girlfriend for a couple days. Life for him is pretty good right now. I am grateful for that. I always say I can only worry about two kids at a time, so I guess it is the girls turn right now. I wish the cat were not so old. When I find her sleeping soundly, I have a little worry at first that she might be dead, until I see her breathing. I don't know why I love that cranky beast but I do. How can I feel so lonely surrounded by people and a bitchy cat? I think sometimes that I keep my brain full on purpose so I don't stop to think too hard. If I am singing, reading, listening to stuff, then maybe I can shut up those thoughts that threaten to depress me. Really makes me wonder what the future holds. As the body deteriorates. Doesn't bear thinking about.
Here I have a dad and in-laws who believe in not talking about how they are feeling, etc. They just carry on. Here I am, the worlds biggest complainer. Makes you wonder about parents and kids, and things skipping generations.
More odd midnight thoughts. Okay going to bed now, Goodnight, D
Sometimes I wonder if everyone has such setbacks. I mean, as a person, my life is quite full, family who seems to care about me most of the time, jobs I enjoy, a place in the sun. So why do I seem to eternally focus on the nasty parts of life?
Why focus on the blips in the relationships rather than celebrating the great bits? I always like to think I am a glass half full person, but I think I seem to be morphing into a glass half empty person. sigh.
I think that middle age has hit me upside the head. I seem to question every little thing. I wouldn't say I am depressed, but sometimes the depressing parts of life seem to be overwhelming. Quite often the next day or so I can get past it and carry on, but it seems to be that there is a lot of things threatening to overwhelm me lately.
First of all, exhaustion. I have spent this past month in a flurry of activity, none of which is spectacularly eventful. I mean, for at least three weeks, every spare moment that i normally take for granted in which I can exercise, read or do things on the computer has been co-opted by work responsibilities, committments involving other family members or ??? I find I have had only two mornings in a month where I could exercise. I have had a couple of lunch hours but find myself too tired by then to drag myself out for a walk. Plus the perennial trouble of what do I put on my feet?
This plantar fasciitis (probably wrong spelling) seems to always attack at this time of year; I am assuming that a) perhaps I am on my feet more? or more likely b) instead of wearing my mephistoes or holey soles every day at work, I am wanting to wear other shoes, which don't seem to work as well. I bought a pair of naots last summer and didn't wear them at all because they felt funny after my mephistoes. So this year I tried to get used to them and I love how they don't hurt the top of my feet in any way, but the little metatarsal pad in the insole drives me nuts. Not so much my right foot, but the left one, which of course is the one with the problem. I wore them two days straight, trying to get used to them, but found my feet hurt by the end of the second day. Wonder if I can get them changed at all. I think that pad is what naots are famous for, unfortunately. I have spent a couple hundred dollars this spring on insoles, new runners and new sandals, all expensive "good" brands, but here I am, desperately trying to figure out what i can wear besides my trusty mephistoes.
Someone (younger) at work was commenting on how her feet hurt and how she will likely have to buy orthopedic shoes hence ugly shoes. What can I say, my mephistoes are not pretty in any sense of the word. They resemble Birkenstocks, so are probably fine but boring to wear the same pair of shoes all year long.....
I dug out the sandals I bought in Florida last year (had worn them most of the summer with relative comfort, nice when it is wet as they are not leather) but I can tell they don't have enough support either. Sigh.
I had my eye on a pair of cute slides in an expensive store, but they are a couple hundred dollars (as are my mephistoes) and they probably are no better support than any other ones. Sometimes I hate our society. I wish we could all get what we need at a price we can afford. I always think of star trek society where everyone is entitled to what they need, no conflicts over money and wealth. No wonder it is a fantasy.
I think my main problem this month has been a total lack of time for myself. It seems I run from crisis to crisis at both workplaces as well as at home. Here I have lost my assistant, had to persuade my board chair to quit doing that so she could become new assistant (she is already trained, used to be a casual till they decided that was conflict of interest to be an employee and a board person) Had to get a new person on board as the chairperson (so far it has taken almost an hour of my time at the bank to get the signing authority changed, and at last count, I believe I had to sign 6 times on a wad of paper about quarter of an inch thick. Last time, it took a couple minutes, to sign a card and be done with it--so much for the convenience of computers. You can't even call these banks directly anymore, calls are all routed from god knows where.
I wanted to insert a video here but can't find it and don't know how anyway. It was a funny one that I think someone must have lifted from Airfarce. Had Luba Goy being a call center person and flipping back and forth between different companies (burglar alarm, lost luggage, etc) . I wish I had saved it from my email. Mind you, the computer died this month also so I really have not had time to get things back in order on that. Also my bank changed hands and has been a bit of a pain getting the computer banking back in order. Yes, it seems that everything in my life lately that can be made harder, has been made harder. It seems the most simple things take forever to sort. Errors with computers, errors made at work, errors made in daily life. I realize we are all human and computers are not perfect, but jeepers,it just seems like my life has gotten more complicated lately.
Okay in all this mess of crazy, there are a few good things, my son home for awhile, got the job he wanted, seems to enjoy it and for the most part can carpool with his dad. Tonight he met a friend and will come home with him, I guess. Cracks me up, there they are in the late evenings, early a.m.'s still sitting in my house playing video games till the crack of dawn only now they are drinking beer instead of pop. They also still have middle of the night barbecues, so I no longer know what I have for food around here. When he is gone, I find myself throwing food away, and when he is home, I find myself running out of food. Not sure which thing I like the best? or the worst?
We had a terrible time finding things he can wear. Most of his wardrobe consists of baggy jeans and rock band t's. He is so tall and thin that ordinary clothes just hang on his frame and look somewhat odd. Luckily he has been told he can wear jeans to work. Took us two hours to find him a pair of dress pants that would fit. Usually for men, this is not a problem, you run in, get the right number of inches going both directions and it will fit...Not sure why we had such a hard time the other night. Couldn't even find t shirts that didn't look geeky. Just wanted something ordinary he could wear to work that wasn't dress clothes. I think they make all the golf shirts for big middle aged men.....He has long arms, but even the small sizes the sleeves hung past his elbows. I mean, really.
He seems happy, that makes me happy. It was so painful last spring with his two friends dying. I think his body reacted by getting sick, so he couldn't work very much so spent his time feeling miserable and dragging around. I know he is finding it hard to get up at 6 a.m. I find it nearly impossible myself. But he probably hasn't gotten up before noon all year, so kinda hard. I think he will have more am. classes this year. I am sure he will adjust. It does make you wonder though. I mean, we push our kids into excelling at school so they can get into a good university or program and get a good job, so they can what? spend their life toiling away like we do....! Hmmm, something is wrong with this picture.
I mean, I think about my grandfather, who was likely just happy that people were not shooting at him in this country and that his family was safe and warm and fed. My grandmother was more ambitious, coming from a wealthier family. In any case, they did well here, and were likely proud of their son, my dad, getting a good government job so he could provide for his family. I remember having anything we needed, good clothes, holidays, decent furniture in the house, I don't think I suffered at all after my dad got that job. I think times were tough when I was little but I have no memory of that. My mother was able to do mostly whatever she liked, had a little part time job where she called her own hours. When she got sick, she was just starting to be a newspaper columnist. She was planning to go to university and start a new life for herself. At any rate, my point is, that each generation did better than their parents. Then comes us.
Here we are, well educated, employed, but not quite as well off comparatively as our parents. I feel that we are sort of a disappointment to our adult kids that we have not done better. I suppose if I had worked full time, it would have helped. But I still think I made the right decision to stay home as much as I did for as long as I did. Sometimes we made bad decisions, and sometimes we had bad luck. But the kids never suffered. We are warm and fed and so on. If it wasn't for my Dad though, we would still be in trouble. We have been rescued twice by my parents, once in our early marriage and once lately. Makes you feel like an idiot.
Then we try to turn our kids into little clones. Go out and play happy families, get good jobs, pay off your debts, live a happy life. Sometimes I wonder if this is the right thing to do. I guess I am trapped by my suburban middleclass dom. I know in my heart that I do not envy my former co-worker who is wandering around India. She waited till her kid left home, spent a year there while she took leave from work, came home and quit her job and went back. No ties, no responsibilities. Or so it seems. I know I haven't the guts for that. Probably never did.
I mean, I got what I wanted. The kids, the house, the pets, the jobs. I wanted this life and I am more or less content most of the time. Just feel stressed out by it all. In neither job do I have time to complete my tasks. It is one thing to give up the housework and live in squalor. But I feel shredded, used up and numb. Good thing I am takinga little holiday,even if it does mean working myself into a frenzy in the next couple weeks and also when I get back. I suppose what can be done will be done and the rest will have to wait. I am lucky that my family is well able to look after themselves. I don't do much for anybody anymore in any case.
Today someone pointed out how busy we were when the kids were little and how you would think it would be easier now, but it is not. I am suspecting the mental energy drain. I mean, I no longer run to any child related games, practises, lessons, etc. A couple of events a year perhaps. I know that I work more than I did then. But I see far less of friends and family. My friend was saying that her kid brought home an assignment: what do you do for fun? and she had no answer. I actually have a hard time coming up with an answer as well.
B and I get subscriptions to theatre and symphony, so that during the winter we have a date or 2 every month. If we didn't literally make ourselves go, we would never get out at all. We have no friends here, just work friends and that doesn't really count. We do nothing social beyond visiting our parents periodically. Last night, my goal for the evening was to watch tv, but the family had the tv and I dislike what they were watching so I read a magazine in my one hour that i had after coming home from work, making supper and doing a ton of dishes, (halfa ton still waits for me tonight but too bad). Tonight I was in such a foul mood (as was the spouse) that we each took a computer and proceeded to destress that way. He blows things up or catches monsters or whatever he does in those games. I try to cream the computer at scrabble. I haven't had a chance to reinstall this game for weeks. It was fun, but I realize I have spent all evening staring at this beast. Hmmm, what is wrong with this equation. Stare at computer all afternoon at work, and all evening at home. The only redeeming part of the day was my senior exercises. didn't make me feel as good as usual, but I was glad to get out, even if it was blowing and raining out. What a week, everything except snow. Was very hot Wed, but frost on windshield in the next a.m......I guess you gotta live where it keeps you guessing. I have dressed wrong each day this week so far.
I think everyone has gone to bed except the one who is out. Almost midnight. I feel strangely compelled to keep typing, like my brain is bleeding words. Verbal diarrhea as my brother in law would say. I read about a woman who has a disease that makes her write all the time. She writes on walls and herself if she has nothing else. Scary.
I sometimes wish I could turn my constant internal dialogue into some kind of commercial writing. Perhaps that is a goal. My co-worker has goals for each decade. I think learning to swim in her 50's, gardening in her 60's and she is planning to drink herself silly in her 70's figuring what has she got to lose. Interesting concept. Maybe I will take up drinking then. If I make it that far. Being the age that Mum was when she died always makes me feel like life is a ticking clock, if not a time bomb. I suppose I am just waiting for whatever is lurking around the corner. Which could of course, open me up to actually being suseptible to something, couldn't it. My goal in life used to be to be happy, as I was sure that stress and unhappiness killed my mother. Then I read how people who try so hard to be happy still get sick because they are trying so hard.
Can't bloody win.
So I try my best. Even on a day like today, I try to listen for birdsong, or take delight in one of the kids. I am going on a mini cruise/vacation with my oldest in a couple weeks, so that has me excited, if stressed about getting ready on time. I think I will need a vacation after the month I have had. All the running, all the work and for what? Fewer hours, less pay, more work. Hmm, something definately wrong with that picture. I suppose it goes with the territory.
Before I was a waitress I used to think I would love a job where I didn't have to think about it when I went home. And in some ways, there is some good in that. I realized that I obviously love the kind of jobs that I gravitate to, which require constant thought and problem solving. But I realize, as I age, I am finding it much harder to keep up. I try to cut down, but it doesn't seem to help as I am slowing down too. Makes me wonder what the future holds.
On one hand, I don't want to work myself to death, on the other hand, if you want money when you retire, you have to work for it. If you want to travel and enjoy life, you have to put in the employed time. Maybe it would have been easier if I had always worked. I think that people who work part time, just try to add work into their already busy lives. Makes it harder. Wheras if you always worked full time, you would adjust your personal life to that schedule. I notice that people I work with, who have always worked full time, just go bananas when they are forced to stay home ( eg too sick to be at work, but not sick enough to be in bed or made to use vacation days up). I think I could be home all day and never run out of stuff to do. Of course, I think even if I was home all day I would find better things to do than housework. More fun stuff to do, like read, sew, etc. Makes me wonder what the future holds. Honestly, I see working till we die. Possibly living in a big house together with other women. We make jokes about it at work, but when you see what your parents are going to have to pay for care, we know we will never have that much. Another scary thought.
I suppose I should get to bed, lots to do tommorrow. Why I feel compelled to clutter up the internet with my random thoughts is beyond me. I guess it is easier than writing a journal. Serves the same purpose.
Hmm, my thing to be thankful for today? That the sun came out in the evening, that my computer is working again, that I know tommorrow is another day. I am fretting for my family, I wonder if any of them are happy? The boy seems happy, but then he would, in a week or so he is flying off to visit his girlfriend for a couple days. Life for him is pretty good right now. I am grateful for that. I always say I can only worry about two kids at a time, so I guess it is the girls turn right now. I wish the cat were not so old. When I find her sleeping soundly, I have a little worry at first that she might be dead, until I see her breathing. I don't know why I love that cranky beast but I do. How can I feel so lonely surrounded by people and a bitchy cat? I think sometimes that I keep my brain full on purpose so I don't stop to think too hard. If I am singing, reading, listening to stuff, then maybe I can shut up those thoughts that threaten to depress me. Really makes me wonder what the future holds. As the body deteriorates. Doesn't bear thinking about.
Here I have a dad and in-laws who believe in not talking about how they are feeling, etc. They just carry on. Here I am, the worlds biggest complainer. Makes you wonder about parents and kids, and things skipping generations.
More odd midnight thoughts. Okay going to bed now, Goodnight, D
posted by Diana @ 10:47 PM
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