life goes up and life goes down
Well I feel bleak today. The sun is gone, the wind is howling around the house, shrieking. Yesterday was all golden and yellow sunshine. Of course, I was indoors all day. Today, when I could go out, grey and windy. yeah. But I did manage a nice walk, a bit protected from the wind. Managed to enjoy the bleakness of the tree limbs silhouetted against the grey sky. I just hate that it is a harbinger of winter. Winter, seems longer every year.
When I am feeling blue, I find I have to bleed out the words, so here goes. I should be doing other things but I need to do this. Last Thursday was our 27th anniversary. Mixed feelings of course, Marriage is not exactly what I dreamed of, I suppose. I had so many good years, I suppose about half and half now. Not that life is all bad, by any means. I guess I just know it could be more. It would be nice to be loved as a woman, rather than a companion, but I take what I can get. For better or for worse, doesn't mention the imbetween.
Anyway the point of this diatribe is that last Thursday was a pretty good day. We had flowers in the house, went out for an expensive supper, got sloshed. Can't remember the last time that happened (the getting sloshed, not the expensive supper, although this was about double what I would consider acceptable and about quadruple what I usually aim for in a supper for two, but I figure it is okay, I have worked the last two anniversaries and the last two birthdays and the last two valentines days. ) We were enjoying each others company and had a good time together. He is still a fun date, as I often point out.
So I was tired, wine does that to me lately. Came home, fell asleep on couch. Got up and went to bed to read. Everyone else was asleep, it was getting later, so I shut my book and surrendered to the lovely darkness, only to be awakened a few min later by a strange beeping noise. Bron got up and I got up, it was downstairs, the alarm near her bedroom door. I couldn't smell any electrical or smokey smells, more like a sewer smell, but I have had a cold and my sniffer isn't so great anymore anyway. Had to go wake up the man, who diagnosed a distiller element that broke or something and tripped the breaker. So of course we were up in the middle of the night for awhile, I was too wound up to sleep for a bit and he hadn't had enough sleep to get up at 6 a.m. and go to work. We all slept till about 10 a.m. Luckily I didn't have to be at work till aft. Skipped exercises, no big deal.
That seems to be the start of this week of frustrations, things going wrong, breaking etc. It was such a lovely day, until after midnight.....Keep in mind I have never heard that alarm go off before, but it must be sensitive because we had thanksgiving this weekend, and I had a pie baking in a little oven downstairs and usually I do get them fairly dark, but not this time. I went down and it was lovely and golden, I opened the door to test it and the alarm went off again....weird. The one up here is very sensitive, even to burnt toast or extra brown meat in the frying pan. Good to know I guess, but now I wonder if the carbon monoxide one works, how do you test the things, how do you know when they need replacing?
The toilet seat broke the other day also, I mean it owes us nothing, it is the original, over 20 years old. It was a great seat.
We had to go into the city on Sat for a turkey, seeing as mother in law fractured her ankle. I figured we would cook, but no idea if it would be here or there. I guess her sister in law gave her heck for inviting themselves. I thought that was dumb. we are a very small family, it is a given that we would have thanksgiving together, I was just waiting to see what they wanted to do, given the state of her ankle and the fact that the kids were to work on the weekend. So we decided to have it here on Monday and then Bron wound up working anyway, so we had to eat a bit earlier than usual.
I have had this cold and felt generally run down for the last several weeks, was just starting to get over it, and then had to clean my house for thanksgiving. B said he would help, but of course we wound up running all over the city most of Sat, with the distiller broken, I thought we should buy water, but of course no way to dispense it. Ran all over looking for a hand pump, thought they would be common as dirt in a city where everyone buys their water....Anyway finally found one, but it was battery operated, so I will be taking that back. Figured we will give this one to David so he isn't buying little bottles of water anymore. Found one in a water store, over 20 bucks. good lord, the worst of it, is Cait had one, in Minot, I hope it is not downstairs someplace....I hate living in a house so messy you have to re-buy stuff. I am thinking maybe we just had the box down there. I don't know, she threw out 8 bags of stuff this summer and gave a pile of stuff to the Sally Ann and to her brother, so who knows where anything is anymore. I am still on a rampage to get rid of stuff. wish me luck.
I worked like a dog on Sat night and Sunday all day to get this place clean after weeks of neglect. B managed to have his newsletter to work on and then Sunday went to take the boat out of the water for the season with his dad. Brought his brother home, which used to always be nice, but they don't seem to have much to say to each other anymore. I suppose having depression makes it hard for them to be conversationalists. At one point they were on separate computers and I was knitting in front of the tv. After working all day, I finally finished the laundry and it felt weird to just sit there with nothing in the hands, so out came the knitting. gack, I never thought I would like knitting. I need a thing that mymother had, I inherited all her stuff, but I can't find the thing I need. Bruce thinks I got rid of all that, and I may have, thinking I would never take it up. Turns out I like to do simple simple things like dishclothes and scarves. No one will ever use any of it, but I like the repetition, calms my mind. I also like the challenge because I find it hard to decipher and figure out. Mymind is always on the go, today when I was walking I tried to make it blank, just one song going around and around in my head over and over while I walked. I think it helped. This month is so busy that I am finding my thoughts just so scattered and all over the place.
It was a nice thanksgiving; the boy has reunited with the girlfriend after being broken up for a month. My dad brought them down and my inlaws came and it was nice. I felt like I killed myself cooking and cleaning though. By 2 int he afternoon I felt like I needed a nap. Managed to sit down and have a cup of tea and a bit of a visit, that helped. After supper B did most of the work, so that also helped. He can be helpful, just not as much as he used to be. I feel very much on my own, where we used to be equal partners. He tells me he is a selfish bastard, which he is. I think it makes him feel better to say it out loud, like when I admit I am fat. LIke somehow that is taking part of the badness away. ha.
I miss the help. I feel older and tireder and there is no feeling of family solidarity like there was when I was a teenager. All hands together and all that. I feel I am very much on my own, only one woman and I can't do it all. So mostly I don't. It used to be if things got to him, he would just do them, but now he just occassionally explodes about it, but doesn't do much to help. Seems to spend all his time on the computer or book or bed. I use the tv for my crutch, along with my books of course.
Anyway had a lovely thanksgiving with the family, loads of food, not very good tasting compared to my ma in law's but acceptable I guess. Dad and the kids stayed late, we had pie. life was good. The in laws left just after the crack of dawn, rather than at the crack like they used to. I just couldn't get up. I was so tired. I thought exercises would help, but they didn't. Got to work and felt like lead. old and tired. just really tired. Couldn't seem to get ambitious about doing my work. Didn't help that my co-worker had inexplicably woken at 4 a.m. and so was exhausted also. We just dragged through the day. I don't often clock watch but I did yesterday. Of course there was the icing for the imperfect day, turns out the school phoned, my daughter blew off school in the afternoon, went for a walk with a boy and decided not to bother going back to school. I don't mind that so much as the lies. I know all kids blow off school sometimes. I know I did. I guess the diff is that in those days the school didn't call the parents.....
Anyway I usually leave just as she comes home for lunch, sometimes she goes to a friends for lunch, but I did see her on the street just as I was leaving. I asked her where she was going and thought it was her girlfriend she was with. She said to school, kept walking, I called goodb ye to her and her girlfriend and then the face looked back and I realized it was a boy. So I had a pretty good idea when the school phoned what was going on at least. I wasn't worried or anything, just peeved. Then when her dad finally got ahold of her, and asked where she had been earlier, she said at school. She maintains she wasn't really lying as she was in school earlier, as in much earlier in the a.m. .... nope sorry, still a lie. So the school is punishing her with inschool suspension and we are punishing her by not letting her go to the concert she was going to tommorrow. So she is rather cold and silent and so forth, not easy to live with . I guess I should be grateful, she is a very good kid mostly. Has seemed kind of silent and moody this week, so who knows. I know we don't really know what goes on in there. Hopefully it will wear off. Of course we are making her come with us to the symphony on Sat. It used to be a treat, now she thinks it is mandatory suffering. oh yay, what fun this weekend will be. Maybe we can go shopping that afternoon. I need a new outfit to go to a wedding in.
Sunday B's flight to wpeg is at the crack of dawn, again oh yay, the only flight he could get before monday. Maybe I can come back and nap after I drop him off. usually wrecks my day, I am not a good napper. oh well, should be a quiet week. Although it is library week, so I will be gone all week doing library and school things. Crazy.
speaking of work, time to go there. What am I grateful for today? The ability to make good gravy and pie. Having a few people who love me and want to come spend time with me. The hopes for the future. My aunt, who called and said she loved me. Not many of us left. I think that motherless daughters are acutely aware of the fleeting passage of time. That we need to be grateful for every moment. I am very grateful that my dad and in laws are still able and willing to come for thanksgiving. They are getting a bit more frail, but still all there upstairs. I am very grateful for that.
Peace for today. that is what i want. a quiet day at work. wish me luck. D
When I am feeling blue, I find I have to bleed out the words, so here goes. I should be doing other things but I need to do this. Last Thursday was our 27th anniversary. Mixed feelings of course, Marriage is not exactly what I dreamed of, I suppose. I had so many good years, I suppose about half and half now. Not that life is all bad, by any means. I guess I just know it could be more. It would be nice to be loved as a woman, rather than a companion, but I take what I can get. For better or for worse, doesn't mention the imbetween.
Anyway the point of this diatribe is that last Thursday was a pretty good day. We had flowers in the house, went out for an expensive supper, got sloshed. Can't remember the last time that happened (the getting sloshed, not the expensive supper, although this was about double what I would consider acceptable and about quadruple what I usually aim for in a supper for two, but I figure it is okay, I have worked the last two anniversaries and the last two birthdays and the last two valentines days. ) We were enjoying each others company and had a good time together. He is still a fun date, as I often point out.
So I was tired, wine does that to me lately. Came home, fell asleep on couch. Got up and went to bed to read. Everyone else was asleep, it was getting later, so I shut my book and surrendered to the lovely darkness, only to be awakened a few min later by a strange beeping noise. Bron got up and I got up, it was downstairs, the alarm near her bedroom door. I couldn't smell any electrical or smokey smells, more like a sewer smell, but I have had a cold and my sniffer isn't so great anymore anyway. Had to go wake up the man, who diagnosed a distiller element that broke or something and tripped the breaker. So of course we were up in the middle of the night for awhile, I was too wound up to sleep for a bit and he hadn't had enough sleep to get up at 6 a.m. and go to work. We all slept till about 10 a.m. Luckily I didn't have to be at work till aft. Skipped exercises, no big deal.
That seems to be the start of this week of frustrations, things going wrong, breaking etc. It was such a lovely day, until after midnight.....Keep in mind I have never heard that alarm go off before, but it must be sensitive because we had thanksgiving this weekend, and I had a pie baking in a little oven downstairs and usually I do get them fairly dark, but not this time. I went down and it was lovely and golden, I opened the door to test it and the alarm went off again....weird. The one up here is very sensitive, even to burnt toast or extra brown meat in the frying pan. Good to know I guess, but now I wonder if the carbon monoxide one works, how do you test the things, how do you know when they need replacing?
The toilet seat broke the other day also, I mean it owes us nothing, it is the original, over 20 years old. It was a great seat.
We had to go into the city on Sat for a turkey, seeing as mother in law fractured her ankle. I figured we would cook, but no idea if it would be here or there. I guess her sister in law gave her heck for inviting themselves. I thought that was dumb. we are a very small family, it is a given that we would have thanksgiving together, I was just waiting to see what they wanted to do, given the state of her ankle and the fact that the kids were to work on the weekend. So we decided to have it here on Monday and then Bron wound up working anyway, so we had to eat a bit earlier than usual.
I have had this cold and felt generally run down for the last several weeks, was just starting to get over it, and then had to clean my house for thanksgiving. B said he would help, but of course we wound up running all over the city most of Sat, with the distiller broken, I thought we should buy water, but of course no way to dispense it. Ran all over looking for a hand pump, thought they would be common as dirt in a city where everyone buys their water....Anyway finally found one, but it was battery operated, so I will be taking that back. Figured we will give this one to David so he isn't buying little bottles of water anymore. Found one in a water store, over 20 bucks. good lord, the worst of it, is Cait had one, in Minot, I hope it is not downstairs someplace....I hate living in a house so messy you have to re-buy stuff. I am thinking maybe we just had the box down there. I don't know, she threw out 8 bags of stuff this summer and gave a pile of stuff to the Sally Ann and to her brother, so who knows where anything is anymore. I am still on a rampage to get rid of stuff. wish me luck.
I worked like a dog on Sat night and Sunday all day to get this place clean after weeks of neglect. B managed to have his newsletter to work on and then Sunday went to take the boat out of the water for the season with his dad. Brought his brother home, which used to always be nice, but they don't seem to have much to say to each other anymore. I suppose having depression makes it hard for them to be conversationalists. At one point they were on separate computers and I was knitting in front of the tv. After working all day, I finally finished the laundry and it felt weird to just sit there with nothing in the hands, so out came the knitting. gack, I never thought I would like knitting. I need a thing that mymother had, I inherited all her stuff, but I can't find the thing I need. Bruce thinks I got rid of all that, and I may have, thinking I would never take it up. Turns out I like to do simple simple things like dishclothes and scarves. No one will ever use any of it, but I like the repetition, calms my mind. I also like the challenge because I find it hard to decipher and figure out. Mymind is always on the go, today when I was walking I tried to make it blank, just one song going around and around in my head over and over while I walked. I think it helped. This month is so busy that I am finding my thoughts just so scattered and all over the place.
It was a nice thanksgiving; the boy has reunited with the girlfriend after being broken up for a month. My dad brought them down and my inlaws came and it was nice. I felt like I killed myself cooking and cleaning though. By 2 int he afternoon I felt like I needed a nap. Managed to sit down and have a cup of tea and a bit of a visit, that helped. After supper B did most of the work, so that also helped. He can be helpful, just not as much as he used to be. I feel very much on my own, where we used to be equal partners. He tells me he is a selfish bastard, which he is. I think it makes him feel better to say it out loud, like when I admit I am fat. LIke somehow that is taking part of the badness away. ha.
I miss the help. I feel older and tireder and there is no feeling of family solidarity like there was when I was a teenager. All hands together and all that. I feel I am very much on my own, only one woman and I can't do it all. So mostly I don't. It used to be if things got to him, he would just do them, but now he just occassionally explodes about it, but doesn't do much to help. Seems to spend all his time on the computer or book or bed. I use the tv for my crutch, along with my books of course.
Anyway had a lovely thanksgiving with the family, loads of food, not very good tasting compared to my ma in law's but acceptable I guess. Dad and the kids stayed late, we had pie. life was good. The in laws left just after the crack of dawn, rather than at the crack like they used to. I just couldn't get up. I was so tired. I thought exercises would help, but they didn't. Got to work and felt like lead. old and tired. just really tired. Couldn't seem to get ambitious about doing my work. Didn't help that my co-worker had inexplicably woken at 4 a.m. and so was exhausted also. We just dragged through the day. I don't often clock watch but I did yesterday. Of course there was the icing for the imperfect day, turns out the school phoned, my daughter blew off school in the afternoon, went for a walk with a boy and decided not to bother going back to school. I don't mind that so much as the lies. I know all kids blow off school sometimes. I know I did. I guess the diff is that in those days the school didn't call the parents.....
Anyway I usually leave just as she comes home for lunch, sometimes she goes to a friends for lunch, but I did see her on the street just as I was leaving. I asked her where she was going and thought it was her girlfriend she was with. She said to school, kept walking, I called goodb ye to her and her girlfriend and then the face looked back and I realized it was a boy. So I had a pretty good idea when the school phoned what was going on at least. I wasn't worried or anything, just peeved. Then when her dad finally got ahold of her, and asked where she had been earlier, she said at school. She maintains she wasn't really lying as she was in school earlier, as in much earlier in the a.m. .... nope sorry, still a lie. So the school is punishing her with inschool suspension and we are punishing her by not letting her go to the concert she was going to tommorrow. So she is rather cold and silent and so forth, not easy to live with . I guess I should be grateful, she is a very good kid mostly. Has seemed kind of silent and moody this week, so who knows. I know we don't really know what goes on in there. Hopefully it will wear off. Of course we are making her come with us to the symphony on Sat. It used to be a treat, now she thinks it is mandatory suffering. oh yay, what fun this weekend will be. Maybe we can go shopping that afternoon. I need a new outfit to go to a wedding in.
Sunday B's flight to wpeg is at the crack of dawn, again oh yay, the only flight he could get before monday. Maybe I can come back and nap after I drop him off. usually wrecks my day, I am not a good napper. oh well, should be a quiet week. Although it is library week, so I will be gone all week doing library and school things. Crazy.
speaking of work, time to go there. What am I grateful for today? The ability to make good gravy and pie. Having a few people who love me and want to come spend time with me. The hopes for the future. My aunt, who called and said she loved me. Not many of us left. I think that motherless daughters are acutely aware of the fleeting passage of time. That we need to be grateful for every moment. I am very grateful that my dad and in laws are still able and willing to come for thanksgiving. They are getting a bit more frail, but still all there upstairs. I am very grateful for that.
Peace for today. that is what i want. a quiet day at work. wish me luck. D
posted by Diana @ 12:21 PM
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