back to normal???
I find myself here at home, Bron at work, B at work, house totally quiet, with actual time on my hands. I usually have a big long list of chores. I know I should wash something or put something away, or failing that should have gone for a walk. But I just felt like sitting down doing this. As long as I don't go on too long, need time for a shower and lunch before work.
I guess you could say things are back to normal, hardly see anyone. Bron is at work when I am home, and home when I am at work. David is moved into his own apt. Got a living room window broken in the middle of the night a couple days ago. I am trying to be adult about it. I am sure it was just vandals. His apt is on ground floor. Usually his roomate and her boyfriend would have been up but not that night. He slept through it. There have been a lot of breakins this summer in our city, apparently more than usual. I have to tell myself that he is a big boy and he is fine. He wants to borrow the car this weekend, so after work tonight I have to go get B as he is letting D take the car that he drove into work.
I have to do my CPR refresh this Sunday, all day. I so dread this. Every three years. It just goes to show that I am SO not cut out for anything medical. I can't believe I raised three kids without knowing any first aid. Today a friend was talking about her daugher's finger. It was stepped on by a horse and she lost her nail. So the friend is talking about how it is oozing and the dr. didn't have the patience to let the bandage soak off, so he ripped it off. I don't have a weak stomach, but it does give me the creeps to think of it. I was thinking how I would feel, if it was one of my kids....She said he obviously failed bandaging 101..I am getting so I don't really trust drs.
Partly because they are overworked. I was reading a historical article, talking about the first flying amublances in our province. In the forties, they had not enough drs. and hospitals, and the roads were bad, so they started sending planes out. Does this sound familiar, that is exactly what we have now, except the ambulances are on the terrible roads.....
We went to the farm for two weekends in a row, when Cait was home. The highway out there is so bad that Bruce wound up taking detours on dirt or gravel roads to avoid the horrible highway. Bron is trying to practise driving so she can try for her license. I think she has gotten all kinds of experience! I hate driving gravel so much. I grew up on pavement. It scares the pants off me. David's friend died last year because the gravel was fresh and pulled the car over. When Bron was driving and I was trying to get her to slow down, that is all I could think about. This was a kid who drove on that road all the time. Could have happened to anyone. Now here I have a young driver who is used to pavement, going along trying to keep up with her dad, who drives like it is highway. But he grew up on those gravel roads! I liked the dirt road best. Smooth and flat. Good thing no rain.
I think we wore B's mum out. She suggested we have Christmas here. Actually it wasn't a suggestion. It was "we're coming to your place for Christmas". I am hoping she doesn't change her mind. I am actually looking forward to it. I feel like such a slug when I am there, she kills herself doing all the cooking, won't take any help. Sometimes you can slice pickles or do dishes if you are sneaky, but she has always refused help. I have known her for nearly thirty years and she has always been the same, insistant that she needs no help. Even dishes, you have to wait till she goes for a nap or goes to the bathroom or something. It bothered me when I was younger, as I was raised that you always do dishes when someone cooks for you. It bugged me that the kids learned they could just leave everything for Grandma to do. It makes me look and feel lazy when I am there.
Last year she baked about thirty batches of goodies. more than you could taste in the four days we were there. I kept telling her on the phone, why are you doing this, don't kill yourself. But she insists the family wants it. And we probably do. we love all the traditional foods. When her sister passed away this summer, the funeral had a theme, it was "Mother" and the minister went on about how this means comfort and kindness and food. It was interesting, how all the stories went back to those things. B's aunt was one of the kindest ladies I have ever known. And a great cook. Not surprising those are the memories she left behind. Made me think, I have been to three funerals lately, my best friends mother, my husbands aunt, my grandmother. For my friend's mother they talked about the virtues of hard work. I remember her as being the hardest working woman i ever knew. Her daughter now takes that place. But I found it interesting that the grandaughters talked about what that meant to them. It was her legacy. So that got me thinking about my grandmother. I don't think there was a theme to her funeral. although I learned something about myself that i hadn't realized. I knew my grandparents liked to visit and to talk, but I never realized till someone said something, that this is where it comes from. That is my legacy from them. Both of them loved to talk! I have always known I came from a family of talkers but never gave it deep thought. I can now see this is generational. I literally learned it at my grandparents knees. I used to sit under the table and listen to them....
Funny how we are who we are. Lately I have been obsessing about my aloneness. Probably because David is out of the house, everyone is back to work, life is "normal" again, or what passes for normal. The house is totally quiet except for the fans. I have started exercising again, that is what passes for my social life these days, that and gossip at work. Trying to get back to exercising and eating right again, after a summer of sitting and eating junk. I thought we would go for walks and things when Cait was home but no. We did manage to go through a lot of stuff. Eight garbage bags later, half a carload to Sally Ann and some boxes for David and Bronwyn, and Cait's stored stuff has been distilled to a few boxes. I never did find her sweaters though. I think she got rid of all the Brian stuff that none of us knew what to do with. She packed as much of her possessions as would safely fit in a big suitcase and took a lot home. I have been reluctant to mail any glasswear. So I guess we will just throw some things in a suitcase anytime anyone goes to see her. Don't know when that will be. After going there again this year, I doubt I will go anytime soon. I doubt she will be home for Christmas either. This year she was home for Christmas, I sent the siblings to see her in Feb., I went in May and she was home in July. Not likely to have another year like that. Out of money for one thing.
I think B is going to be going on some more business trips in Oct. Need to coordinate our schedules again. I get a new boss in Oct. I met her last night, seemed kind of cold. Could be an interesting year, and I mean that in the Chinese curse sort of way. Good thing I love what I do because the behind the scenes stuff is always depressing. I don't know how long I can go on with things the way they are. I feel so middle aged. a decade ago I could have done the two jobs easily. And raised the kids. Now I have nothing but myself to handle, plus the cat and the messy house. Bron going into gr. 11. Makes me feel practically redundant. And I still can't cope. I know part of this is having to reinvent myself. No longer much of a wife and mother. No longer a part of any community. My sole role appears to be worker bee with occasional appearances as bad housekeeper. I do love my jobs and I just know that before I turn 50 something needs to change. I am hoping to move to one job only, although I would hate quitting one. Some days things are so irritating here and some days they are so bad in the city. No good answers.
Anyway I have rambled on enough, time for the gratitude of the day. I am happy that there is sun and wind and rain and green leaves. I am happy I seem to be managing my feet okay, switching shoes a lot and wishing I had more and better ones. I am happy for kids who come home, a dad who seems to enjoy their company, good relationships with the grandparents and grandkids. I am happy that Cait brought the Gilmore Girls DVD's home and got me and Bron hooked on them. Love that show! Miss having time for Coronation St. but still piling up tapes! I am happy for picnics (only one so far this year, sigh) and sailing (twice) and walking(once) in the summer. I miss doing aquacizes, sigh, guilt guilt. I always seem to be working or busy on those nights this year. still I am grateful there is a leisure centre close to where I work, will have to get going to them there in the fall.
I am grateful for cheese and fruit and all good things. A lot of talk about food lately everywhere i go, the 100 mile diet, organic food, food safety. All good issues. We need to care more about what we put in our mouths. Having said that, I am going to keep shopping in Costco. sigh, not really a hypocrit but stuck in my rut. Best bang for the buck.
Okay really need to go, thankful as always for good health, good friends, good times, good kids and good family. I know I am not really alone. It just feels that way sometimes. After the frantic child raising years, it is time for peace and some calmness. I just don't know how to deal yet. I just wish it would translate into having more time to do what I like, but it doesn't seem to yet.
Bye for now, D
I guess you could say things are back to normal, hardly see anyone. Bron is at work when I am home, and home when I am at work. David is moved into his own apt. Got a living room window broken in the middle of the night a couple days ago. I am trying to be adult about it. I am sure it was just vandals. His apt is on ground floor. Usually his roomate and her boyfriend would have been up but not that night. He slept through it. There have been a lot of breakins this summer in our city, apparently more than usual. I have to tell myself that he is a big boy and he is fine. He wants to borrow the car this weekend, so after work tonight I have to go get B as he is letting D take the car that he drove into work.
I have to do my CPR refresh this Sunday, all day. I so dread this. Every three years. It just goes to show that I am SO not cut out for anything medical. I can't believe I raised three kids without knowing any first aid. Today a friend was talking about her daugher's finger. It was stepped on by a horse and she lost her nail. So the friend is talking about how it is oozing and the dr. didn't have the patience to let the bandage soak off, so he ripped it off. I don't have a weak stomach, but it does give me the creeps to think of it. I was thinking how I would feel, if it was one of my kids....She said he obviously failed bandaging 101..I am getting so I don't really trust drs.
Partly because they are overworked. I was reading a historical article, talking about the first flying amublances in our province. In the forties, they had not enough drs. and hospitals, and the roads were bad, so they started sending planes out. Does this sound familiar, that is exactly what we have now, except the ambulances are on the terrible roads.....
We went to the farm for two weekends in a row, when Cait was home. The highway out there is so bad that Bruce wound up taking detours on dirt or gravel roads to avoid the horrible highway. Bron is trying to practise driving so she can try for her license. I think she has gotten all kinds of experience! I hate driving gravel so much. I grew up on pavement. It scares the pants off me. David's friend died last year because the gravel was fresh and pulled the car over. When Bron was driving and I was trying to get her to slow down, that is all I could think about. This was a kid who drove on that road all the time. Could have happened to anyone. Now here I have a young driver who is used to pavement, going along trying to keep up with her dad, who drives like it is highway. But he grew up on those gravel roads! I liked the dirt road best. Smooth and flat. Good thing no rain.
I think we wore B's mum out. She suggested we have Christmas here. Actually it wasn't a suggestion. It was "we're coming to your place for Christmas". I am hoping she doesn't change her mind. I am actually looking forward to it. I feel like such a slug when I am there, she kills herself doing all the cooking, won't take any help. Sometimes you can slice pickles or do dishes if you are sneaky, but she has always refused help. I have known her for nearly thirty years and she has always been the same, insistant that she needs no help. Even dishes, you have to wait till she goes for a nap or goes to the bathroom or something. It bothered me when I was younger, as I was raised that you always do dishes when someone cooks for you. It bugged me that the kids learned they could just leave everything for Grandma to do. It makes me look and feel lazy when I am there.
Last year she baked about thirty batches of goodies. more than you could taste in the four days we were there. I kept telling her on the phone, why are you doing this, don't kill yourself. But she insists the family wants it. And we probably do. we love all the traditional foods. When her sister passed away this summer, the funeral had a theme, it was "Mother" and the minister went on about how this means comfort and kindness and food. It was interesting, how all the stories went back to those things. B's aunt was one of the kindest ladies I have ever known. And a great cook. Not surprising those are the memories she left behind. Made me think, I have been to three funerals lately, my best friends mother, my husbands aunt, my grandmother. For my friend's mother they talked about the virtues of hard work. I remember her as being the hardest working woman i ever knew. Her daughter now takes that place. But I found it interesting that the grandaughters talked about what that meant to them. It was her legacy. So that got me thinking about my grandmother. I don't think there was a theme to her funeral. although I learned something about myself that i hadn't realized. I knew my grandparents liked to visit and to talk, but I never realized till someone said something, that this is where it comes from. That is my legacy from them. Both of them loved to talk! I have always known I came from a family of talkers but never gave it deep thought. I can now see this is generational. I literally learned it at my grandparents knees. I used to sit under the table and listen to them....
Funny how we are who we are. Lately I have been obsessing about my aloneness. Probably because David is out of the house, everyone is back to work, life is "normal" again, or what passes for normal. The house is totally quiet except for the fans. I have started exercising again, that is what passes for my social life these days, that and gossip at work. Trying to get back to exercising and eating right again, after a summer of sitting and eating junk. I thought we would go for walks and things when Cait was home but no. We did manage to go through a lot of stuff. Eight garbage bags later, half a carload to Sally Ann and some boxes for David and Bronwyn, and Cait's stored stuff has been distilled to a few boxes. I never did find her sweaters though. I think she got rid of all the Brian stuff that none of us knew what to do with. She packed as much of her possessions as would safely fit in a big suitcase and took a lot home. I have been reluctant to mail any glasswear. So I guess we will just throw some things in a suitcase anytime anyone goes to see her. Don't know when that will be. After going there again this year, I doubt I will go anytime soon. I doubt she will be home for Christmas either. This year she was home for Christmas, I sent the siblings to see her in Feb., I went in May and she was home in July. Not likely to have another year like that. Out of money for one thing.
I think B is going to be going on some more business trips in Oct. Need to coordinate our schedules again. I get a new boss in Oct. I met her last night, seemed kind of cold. Could be an interesting year, and I mean that in the Chinese curse sort of way. Good thing I love what I do because the behind the scenes stuff is always depressing. I don't know how long I can go on with things the way they are. I feel so middle aged. a decade ago I could have done the two jobs easily. And raised the kids. Now I have nothing but myself to handle, plus the cat and the messy house. Bron going into gr. 11. Makes me feel practically redundant. And I still can't cope. I know part of this is having to reinvent myself. No longer much of a wife and mother. No longer a part of any community. My sole role appears to be worker bee with occasional appearances as bad housekeeper. I do love my jobs and I just know that before I turn 50 something needs to change. I am hoping to move to one job only, although I would hate quitting one. Some days things are so irritating here and some days they are so bad in the city. No good answers.
Anyway I have rambled on enough, time for the gratitude of the day. I am happy that there is sun and wind and rain and green leaves. I am happy I seem to be managing my feet okay, switching shoes a lot and wishing I had more and better ones. I am happy for kids who come home, a dad who seems to enjoy their company, good relationships with the grandparents and grandkids. I am happy that Cait brought the Gilmore Girls DVD's home and got me and Bron hooked on them. Love that show! Miss having time for Coronation St. but still piling up tapes! I am happy for picnics (only one so far this year, sigh) and sailing (twice) and walking(once) in the summer. I miss doing aquacizes, sigh, guilt guilt. I always seem to be working or busy on those nights this year. still I am grateful there is a leisure centre close to where I work, will have to get going to them there in the fall.
I am grateful for cheese and fruit and all good things. A lot of talk about food lately everywhere i go, the 100 mile diet, organic food, food safety. All good issues. We need to care more about what we put in our mouths. Having said that, I am going to keep shopping in Costco. sigh, not really a hypocrit but stuck in my rut. Best bang for the buck.
Okay really need to go, thankful as always for good health, good friends, good times, good kids and good family. I know I am not really alone. It just feels that way sometimes. After the frantic child raising years, it is time for peace and some calmness. I just don't know how to deal yet. I just wish it would translate into having more time to do what I like, but it doesn't seem to yet.
Bye for now, D
posted by Diana @ 11:15 AM
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