melancholy or ?

Be prepared for a good long blog today, as I have some rather conflicting feelings to deal with and this is the only way I can think of to deal with them. Calling a friend might be more appropriate but I don't feel like talking to anyone today. odd unless you realize that yesterday I spent an hour and a half on the phone with daughter #1, first time since she left this summer that we have had a decent conversation (she has a landline now, it is really not easy trying to talk to someone on a cell unless you are just talking about message type things. Not easy to find out how someone is feeling when they are in a bar on a cellphone....) Anyway that call was immediately followed by a call to Dad, a call from Mother in law, a few seconds later, the son--who I had been waiting to talk to, due to the fact that he moved back the day before and had his car die on him in front of his building (after he unloaded, thankfully) I had the feeling he might have trouble making it back; don't know why, his car has managed okay all summer. Must be a Murphy's law that the minute he is gone, something goes wrong. I wish he had never laid eyes on that !#$%^ car. I realize that everyone has Murphy's law things in their lives, but sometimes it just seems like we have more than our fair share.

Stupid car, it belonged to my grandmother, who died many years ago. When she died, my dad, my uncle and I were the only heirs. I was in need of a car at the time, and my uncle knew that. He drives a truck--has no need of a car at all. But just couldn't see his way to letting me have it--said he had to have it. So then a decade or so passes and he suddenly decides to "give me part of my inheritance early..." and decides I can have the thing. It is now nearly 30 years old. True, it has hardly a mile on it, and is in perfect shape, having been kept in a garage for all those years. But the rubber things dry out and so on, we have put a pile of money into this thing for our son. He loves it, because it can fit a pile of kids (mostly girls) and he has put a flaming loud stereo into it. The only good thing about it is that the license is under 40 bucks a month, so I can cover that for him. We don't give him much, although having said that, B just went to take him about 200 bucks worth of groceries. I told him to take whatever he wanted when he left (we were at work) and we had bought him a few groc. before that, but he didn't seem to be in the right mode at the time, hardly took anything. Now he gets there and realizes, oh he needs meat and veg and pasta and ...... Anyway now he has lots of food, should last him a good long time. Last year we sent him with more, and I think he is trying to cope with less this year. Of course, now I have to wonder how much that car repair will cost me???

Don't feel like grumbling about money today. Not sure what is up with me today. I think I just feel disgruntled. Most of the time I have this long list of stuff that has to be done, all my time is accounted for, and I desperately wish for some free time. Now today is all free time, and I can't figure out what i want. I think i could have handled it better if I had decided, "oh yeah, let's watch movies all day", or "I am tearing this bedroom apart today" I mean, there is always a mountain of work to do, and i barely ever scratch the surface. I think I must have assumed that we would have the long weekend planned out, help the kid move, go sailing, go visiting, whatever. Then I found out Bron was working on sunday. So that kind of put a monkey wrench in things. so I decided that the two of us would leave after she was done the brunch shift and go to Minot for one last desperate snatch at summer holiday. But of course, no rooms at this late date, plus she works the supper shift. So yesterday, spent all a.m. on the phone, decided to go buy groc for the kid in the aft, did some housework and that was about it for the day. Made a nice supper and then watched tv. Sounded like a reasonable day? But it felt funny, not to really have plans but just drift around. So then we decided that B would fetch D, meet his dad and brother and go sailing and that we would come after the girl is done work. Until last night, when I figured out we would not get there till about midnight. I am not comfortable with gravel roads, esp when I am really tired. I just didn't think it made sense to do that. We could more easily and cheaply meet up tommorrow and go sailing then. Somehow I don't think the husband likes that idea; he says no guarantee we would sail tommorrow either. I don't know, I give up, makes no sense for me to take another car, with balding tires, late in the night, so that I can sleep in an uncomfortable bed, get up and spend a couple hours there and then come home again? Easier and cheaper to just meet tommorrow. I will call him in the a.m. and see what the scoop is. I see that he had the bag of stuff to take back to the boat with the stuff he was taking this morning, but he left it here. So maybe they didn't go? I have no idea. Just call me clueless.

Sometimes I just can't figure things out. Usually I am happy to have him go do a man thing and leave me to get on with stuff I need to do. I think I am so overwhelmed with stuff that needs doing that I just don't want to start. I did do the living room floor yesterday, and so today I dusted. That was meant to make me feel like I had accomplished something. Usually I clean when there is someone coming, not someone going . I think maybe I am just a touch sad about the boy leaving. Even though in earlier August, I almost wished he was gone. I think we had such a good week last week, finally did some family stuff, finally connected with him a bit, and then he is gone. Although funny thing, he would hardly talk to me or even see me on some days here at home, and then a day or two before he goes, he wants to talk. And when he called yesterday, he said he had so much to tell me I had to call back. I suppose he likes me better at a distance. We certainly seem closer when he can blog or email or call than when he can just come out of his bedroom and talk to me in person......!

I read a thing today about most of the kids spending their summer in a darkened room in front of a screen, instead of spending time outside. It said that it was an American study and that we are more likely as Canadians to spend more summer outside.( I wonder if it is because it is so short here???) but that we should still worry. Well I tell you, he spent most of his summer not feeling well, so he didn't go back to work, which meant he spent most of his days asleep or in his darkened room with his computer or the tv. Most of his nights, watching tv or visiting friends or going out (as he started to feel better) If Bron hadn't gotten a job, to which she rides her bike or walks, then she would have spent most of her time in her abode with her computer, or this one, or the tv. I read something else about how we have only had all this technology for about 50 years so we don't know the long term effects. Well I will say one thing, before the internet, my husband used to watch tv with me in the evenings, do yardwork, cleaning or houserepair in the day. Now he spends almost all his free time playing video games, or on the net. David's last night at home, we all watched "Transamerica". that is the first movie I can recall him watching with us since last Christmas when we watched the last Star Wars on David's last night home. I was so mad at him this summer, one day the kids and I wanted to watch the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie together in the nice theatre, but he wouldn't come. Cait was very disappointed, but I should not have been surprised, as he hasn't gone with us as a family to watch a movie in years. The two of us sometimes take in a film at the library's film theatre, the fare is more of the indie or unusual type. We did go see "Kingdom of Heaven" at the Rainbow but with friends, so does that count? He insists he doesn't like tv or mainstream movies.

I know we all have our things to relieve stress, for him it is blowing things up or killing things or being a pirate or whatever on the computer. I have no interest in those kind of games, so I guess I can take that he doesn't watch tv with me. We had a couple of nice evenings lately where he did, so I guess I was a bit put out last night when he wouldn't pick anything to watch. He gets stubborn, wants me to do the choosing but last night I wanted him to choose, so as a result, we didn't watch anything. Gee who needs a psychoanalyst, I just figured out why I woke up feeling "blargish" today!

ah youth, when a person could go to bed and wake up feeling refreshed. Now I seem to carry the previous days aches and pains with me into the next day, whether they are physical or mental. I had a good long sleep, but woke feeling disgruntled. Read my book for an hour or so (ah Sunday a.m. luxury! I used to do this a lot when the kids got old enough to watch tv...) in bed, had a long bubble bath, read a couple of papers (all things I wanted to do this weekend, which is after all, a holiday. I spend most of my time off working my butt off, so why not have a bit of r and r? right???) But I did not get the relaxed feeling I wanted, just a nagging feeling. So I figured if I did some housework, that would allay the guilt, but nope, not working. I feel restless, unhappy, don't want to relax, don't want to work, can't seem to settle on anything. In an hour Bron will go to work, leaving me on my own. I think I feel lonely and sad today. Almost like crying, for no reason whatsoever. Makes me wonder about mood swings, etc. I have decided I will not get menopausal, that is for other people. But maybe it will attack me anyway?

All my life, I have felt mostly healthy, didn't fuss about my bodily functions in any way, had great pregnancies and not much has happened to my body except for sinus, which must be the fate of every person dwelling here, and being overweight, which I think I am predisposed to do, having inherited this body from my Dad's side as well as a love of food. Nothing too serious, right? Till I hit 40, when every little thing decided to fall apart. My lovely thick, wash and wear hair? thinning and sticks out all over all the time. I look like an unmade bed. My skin, nails, teeth? dry, splitting and gums receding...When I sit too long, my butt hurts but when I stand too long, my back and feet hurt. The only time I am comfortable is lying down and not much of that either. Time to go back to the chair dancing. I went last week, first time since summer shifts, and felt really whacked out after, so obviously, it was doing something for me before. I am trying to get back to doing some kind of exercise every day but not doing so well at it. should go for a walk today but probably won't.

Last week I got a call that an appt had opened up at the dentists. I am waiting to get a crown put on my broken tooth (again, had no tooth trouble all my life either!) which broke in spring. My current appt is October. So I found someone to cover for me, took the appt and got them to prep my mouth, and put in a temporary crown. Which feels like I have gum or something stuck in my teeth. It is so weird. I am hoping it is just a case of not quite putting it in right, because if it is the mould itself that is wrong, that means when my real crown comes, it won't be right. It was a two hour appt and everything went well till almost the end, when the assistant was making the temporary one. I guess that is usually the easy part but for some reason we kept having trouble. It feels too high on that side, so that my mouth doesn't close right. Almost right, but not quite, I think. I figure I am either getting used to it, or grinding it down in my sleep... because it doesn't feel quite as bad as at first. But it worries me that the end product will be a problem. Sincerely hope not. The insurance is paying, but still, I want this to be over ASAP. I had several appts in spring to deal with it, finally got it with a temp filling but still, food kept getting caught and I don't think I was getting it clean, was starting to worry about the tooth beside it.

This must be what happens as you age, you start obsessing about all your body parts. I hate that. I have other things to think about. Such as my relationships with my family.

Last weekend I went to a staff party and I was so upset with all my family when I left the house that I took my frustrations with me to the party. I hope I didn't wreck it for my co-workers. I just couldn't help venting and of course, one of my co-workers is in similar situation to me. I always tell her I am so glad that she exists, so that I know I am not alone! Otherwise I might start to think it was just me. Now I know it is middleaged women. Maybe not all of us, but a lot of us.

Maybe my grandmother had the right idea, she thinks that men and women should be on separate islands and just visit sometimes. I have always wondered if we are meant to live with one person forever. I don't think it is really in the nature of humans. Maybe the lucky people who have one spouse for life, are the rare ones. My co-worker has a point, how at one time, the man and woman come together, establish a family, but then time passes and the need for that unity diminishes. That sounds cool and calculating, but I can't really write it down properly. I just wonder about that. This article I was reading today, talked about couples with a good marriage going through a bad patch, about how the marriage evolves as the individuals evolve in their daily lives. Reminded me how my mother explained my uncles divorce when I was a kid, she said the woman outgrew him. I can understand that completely. People change all the time, but they don't always change in the same direction. Although I always think the determining factor is, can you stand living without him? Not as in are you capable or not of living on your own, but would you miss him if he wasn't there in your life? Keeps me thinking. I don't know if we want the same things for the future, but we are tied together by the past. I can't even imagine the future. My mother used to ask what I wanted for myself in five or ten years, how did I see myself twenty years in the future. Of course, now I see she was asking from the perspective that I have now. When I was newly married, having kids, my only interest was in the here and now. She used to say she couldn't understand why I didn't take more of an interest in the news, in the outside world, but for me, my world was very very small. Now I can see that she was at the stage I am at now, looking beyond the basics of house and child care. No longer supremely confident in my relationships. I agree with the sentiment, youth is wasted on the young. Wish I had appreciated what i had when I had it. But like many things, you don't realize what you have till it is gone.

So pardon my while I mourn the past. My "family" as I have known it, is fragmenting apart as the nest gets smaller. Not that I wish I had little kids now, I look at these people and know that I haven't the energy for that kind of lifestyle at my age. But I can't help mourning how quickly it went. All those lovely summer days of reading and swinging in the yard as the kids and dog played. Wonderful days camping or driving holidays. I thrived on it all. Bruce always insists he remembers none of it. There are memories of only a few years ago, that the kids and I can recall in great detail and he has no clue. I used to not believe him when he said he didn't remember his childhood but then I figured he blotted it out as being too painful and the other bits he just chose not to discuss. But perhaps it is true, perhaps he blots out everything, because maybe this isn't the life he wanted. I dunno. We had the miserable Bruce quite a bit in August, but the last few days were mostly very nice. I don't know who he is today, as I didn't bother waking up more than for one sentence when he left this a.m.

Okay, have i depressed you yet? I think I might be feeling a little better, having gotten these feelings off my chest or wherever they have been lurking. I still don't know what I want to do with my day....I think I will go try to sew my curtains, either I will get really frustrated and angry or maybe it will make me feel like the day wasn't entirely wasted. Who knows?

wish I had been able to blog the other day, I felt great that day and would have not bored you to tears, but couldn't get at the computer that day. So you get me today when I am not sure what to be thankful for. Hmmm--I am thankful for having a beautiful teenage daughter who will still be with me for a couple more years. She is busy making herself a sandwich before she goes to work. I am thankful that she is young and strong and capable and has her whole life ahead of her. I know it will be interesting to see where she goes and what she becomes. I always tell the kids I can only worry about two of them at a time. I have been worried for the two older ones lately, although now that the boy is back on his own turf, I am sure he will start to feel better and get a grip on his life. The older one is having troubles, the kind you have when you are a grownup. I wish I could step in and solve them all, but all I can do is listen at this end. I am extraordinarily thankful for my telephone bundle, as well as the technology that allows me great access to my kids! Yeah, that makes me feel very happy. I am almost smiling now! Yup there is it, a nice little smile. So with that, I will say good bye for now. I hope the next post is a good day post. (it has occurred to me that there may be more than one Jeckyll and Hyde in this house....)