home alone

Here I am again Rushed home from work to find an empty house. I thought the boy wanted the car but he must have had to go early as his huge gas guzzler is gone and there was a partly eaten burger in the living room. He hasn't been feeling well lately. I want him to go for a check up anyway before he goes back to school. I wonder how he is tonight.

It seems so odd to be completely alone. I think we are used to living our little compartmentalized lives where we all get home and go do different things, but this is totally alone. I am not hungry yet, so haven't made any supper. I put a few things away and looked at a bit of mail and maybe I will do some more of that. Glory of glories I have an entire weekend off. My very first unclaimed weekend in months. Bruce won't be home till tommorrow, Bron not till Monday. So I am free to do whatever I want. Unfortunately that includes a pile of ironing, and bookeeping as I am so way far behind and have no clothes left for next week, where I work seven days, full shifts all of them too, in a row. So I expect to be a puddle of weariness next week. oh well, at least my next paycheque will be decent. today I got paid a whole hundred and fifty dollars. I wonder if that is good for twelve hours of work? I guess that is what I get for taking time off, right? You can have time, or money but not both. I always wish I could tell Bruce to do the averaging thing, where you set aside part of your pay and then get a year off. I wonder if it would be intolerable to come back to work afterwards or if you would look forward to it. I just figure he should get a chance to do archaeology again, not just be a wage slave. Although he says he enjoys his job right now. Sometimes I wish we could embrace a life of voluntary simplicity and not work till we die, but I fear we are trapped on the wheel. everything I like costs. I would like to think our needs are minimal, but hey, that car, computer, DVD player etc. all are luxuries, really.

What would I do without the internet????How I would miss my communication tool, my ready reference, my banking buddy. I always think it is the rest of the family that are computer addicts, but I hate when it goes down. I can hardly wait to figure out how to get my photos onto te Costco thing, so that I can have photos done in one day, without having to drag in a disc. (such a contrast, when I was newly married, having kids, we sent our rolls of film to Ontario and then waited with bated breath for a week or two for the results, what would they be? Now I only print what I want. I like that, but I do have to wonder, when you first see photos, you are looking for something specific, a nice portrait, a nice view, something with people in it, usually. Then years later you go back and see more things, new things. Perhaps the person has passed on, or moved or whatever, and now you appreciate the photo for different reasons. So I wonder, with digital photography, if we will miss out on that, if we only print the "good ones". Here is another thought. A woman I only know from the net, sent her wedding photos, which I loved, but mentioned that 800 were taken. David took 700 and some on his trip. We regularly fill up our memory cards with photos that may or may not be important to others. So here is the contrast. Today a woman was showing me photos of her relatives when they came to our province--pioneers! There were half a dozen or so, and I was amazed, I don't think we have any in our family like that. There are a few from later years, say a few of our grandparents. These photos would be treasured and cared for, passed down. But who will treasure or pass down 800 wedding photos? And how will they survive? Those ancient black and whites still look good, but how long will ours last? You hear them talk about archival quality prints, but what about the discs themselves? Don't we all have floppies and so forth from computers long gone? Makes me think of the film my uncle has of me that he took when I was a baby on 8mm film. My mother, who cut herself out of all my baby photos and only let a few other photos survive, is on that film. My parents together! In living moving color. He had it put on videotape but of course, I have no copy. I don't know why he won't give me one. I think he wants it as blackmail to make me come visit....

I should have gone to see my grandmother this weekend, for once I am not too tired, or too busy. But I want to take Bron as she likes to go. So it will have to be later. So many things I wanted to do this summer. Now it is half over. In some ways it is a relief, to just sit here in the house all alone and quiet, even the cat is outside on the deck. But I know if this was my permanent state, I might feel differently. I have come to realize in the last few years, as my children leave home, that the day will come, sooner than I realized, where I will be alone a lot.

When they were little, I couldn't wait to get a chance to shop on my own. Now I can do that anytime, and don't want to. Humans are so fickle. Usually I like having time alone, it means I can watch what I want, use the computer if I feel like it. Use my exercise machine or do my various things around the house with no interruption. I suppose it is like having a gift, time to yourself after a lifetime of always giving of myself. But like I say, now that I have it, do I even want it? I suppose it is a good thing, enjoying being busy. I would soon go back to sewing and things. I am always short of time to do the things I want to do. Always doing what I must, tiring myself out, wishing I could command time. Now here I think I might be able to grasp it and all I can think of is how quiet it is and how I miss them all.

I know everyone needs a life, and I am grateful we all have our own lives. I was just thinking how I should have gone to see DAd tonight, if I had known the boy would be gone already and wouldn't need the car, I could have. But if I had wanted to, planned to, I probably would have decided I was too tired. I can't understand why I am not falling over, usually by this time on a Friday I am falling over with fatigue. Maybe it is the extra hour of sleep I got last night, still not really enough, but more than the days before. Maybe it is because, instead of doing mind-numbing paperwork, as I have the last few days, today I got to run around and do things, go shopping, got to be a drum ( children's entertainer called me up to the front, put a bucket on my head, played drums on it, maybe you had to be there, it was funny....there was a helmet in the bucket, and he told us to put our fingers in our ears ( there were two others) so it was not as bad as it sounds, but it was still kinda strange. I have been having headaches since we got back from hols, so I was a bit worried as it was not entirely pain free, but I don't have a headache now and have not had one since then, maybe he jogged something loose in there....still I was glad it was only one song....I wish I had a photo.

I am sure I have rabbited on enough, so I will stop. Today I am grateful for music and drumming. I really really love drums and hope to learn to play some day. I have decided if I go blind, I will learn musical instruments. That is my plan. Seeing as everything else I love to do is so visual, I figure I need to have a back-up plan in case those retinas detach one day. Otherwise I will be too depressed I am sure. I think I am the type to always feel dispair, to see the bad, expect the worst, and yet Cait says I am too optimistic. Maybe it depends on the day. Today for whatever reason, I am in a good mood. It may have been the music. He played guitar and other things also, but I always find that drums stir my soul. I guess this guy is a drummer with the royal winnipeg ballet. Hard to imagine when he is going all out entertaining kids. I found him to be one of the best I have ever seen. I wonder what he is like as a dad. I think his "roadie" was his kid, about the right age. Likely oblivious to the fact that his dad is amazingly talented.

I may also be in a good mood as I discovered a great new dollar store. I love hunting down stuff for work, spending other people's money. It was so much fun just to be there. Only problem is, they only take cash. Not even debit. I suppose that is good or a person might go mad in there and in the words of singer Nanci Griffith, feel the need to "stuff my suitcase with unnecessary plastic objects" (describing finding a Woolworths in London, England). If you have never heard this artist, she has some fantastic stuff out there, look it up.

okay back to being thankful, I am incredibly thankful for music and the ears to hear it with. I am thankful for having had children and a husband to miss when they are not here. I feel grateful for good jobs and the ability to enjoy the freedom from them. I am even grateful for my scruffy old cat who is howling to get in. Maybe we will go spend some quality time on the couch with some food and a movie. ...Take care, D